Monthly Archives: July 2012

Why? Because I’m perpetually cold

I try to go out to my car to eat when I can because no matter what I am cold.  I sit out in the Texas heat with my two working windows cracked slightly since, anything more than slightly will result in them staying down until they decide they want to roll back up which could be anywhere from a minute to an hour so I just don’t take the chance, and let myself defrost for those ten minutes it takes me to eat my sandwich (okay, maybe it only takes me two minutes to eat my sandwich but I try to drag it out).  Usually there isn’t anybody out there so I don’t feel like THAT much of a dork, but today the guy parked next to me was also sitting in his car.  I almost turned around and went back inside but decided that I didn’t know him so he can think of me what he wishes.  As I arrived at my door I very slyly snuck a peek inside his car.  And guess what, he was EATING HIS LUNCH!! I felt a kinship.  A comradery.  A bond.  To this guy I don’t know and refused to look at lest it become awkward.  “You eat your lunch in your car too?  Yeah.  We’re cool.”  Except he actually had his car on and, I can only assume, the air on full blast.

Not long after I got in my car he got out of his and I considered sneaking another peeky peek at him to see what he looked like but then decided not to.  In my mind he was a dashingly handsome lad, heavily tattoed, with broad shoulders and a scruffy beard.  And so he will remain in my head.  Although, he was driving a Toyota…so he has some negative points there – because, ya know, driving a bare bones Ford Focus with broken windows is oh-so-classy.  I reserve the right to judge.  At least mine is black.  His was champaigne.  Ew.

 (he speaks to me), which seemed outrageous.  But, since he had been sitting out in the blistering direct sunlight all day I realized that he probably meant it felt like 107. So I decided to check the weather on my handy-dandy phone app.  It agreed.  The bastards.  My car and my phone are colluding.  All those times I charge my phone in my car they must exchange information like some fucked up spy network.

Conclusion?  Don’t trust the things closest to you, but always connect with the stranger in the car next to you.  They could be your new best friend…who you don’t talk to or look at.

On a completely different note, my car also grew something overnight.  Not sure how it happened, must be part of the spy network.  As I was chowing down I glanced over at my passenger side and saw this!:

New development…honestly, it was never there before.

What does this mean?!?  Fuel Reset???  So, naturally, I looked it up.  Good thing, too.  Apparently they come standard in Foci.  (and quite possibly in all vehicles but I didn’t do THAT much research)  Clearly mine just took some time to grow in.  He is only three years old after all, I’m sure it takes time for him to fully mature.  I wonder what other wonderful gadgets and nick-nacks will appear in the future.  I’m hoping for an espresso machine.  Or maybe a “self-clean” button, like ovens have.  Just close the doors, push the button and when you come back from your shopping trip, VOILA! your car is clean (inside AND out).  Yes, yes, that is what I shall wish for.

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Time Well Spent

Work.  One often associates this word with some sort of manual labor…or their place of employment where they spend endless hours completing mostly mundane tasks (unless you actually like your job, in which case, you suck) and at the end of the day whisk off to your happy place – mine happens to be a bar.  Happiness is what you make it.

Today, however, I have spend the first four hours working quite dilligently at watching the Olympics on my laptop while surfing various blogs on my work computer.  Not doing my job?  Hoh no, I am.  Becasue I have absolutely nothing to do.  In my interview I was promised that I would be busy.  I am here to tell you that they lied through their teeth.  Assholes.  I should insert here that I do feel lucky to actually be employed since it had been almost a year since my last paycheck when I started this job.  I’m not ungrateful, just bored.  So bored that I have to amuse myself with the wonders of the internet which at the same time worrying that big brother is watching my every keystroke – they do have a camera trained at me after all and I am told sometimes they will call and ask what you are up to because, while having their morning cup of coffee they watch you fall asleep at the desk.  And yet here I am…typing a blog while at work.  It was the most constructive thing I could come up with.  Better than browsing other people’s blogs, right?  RIGHT?!?  Work with me here…

So far the phone has rung twice, the first time the guy couldn’t hear me and hung up.  Then he promptly called back.  That just happened…four hours into the work day.  I have not had any emails either.  Only one patient has come in.  I am told I am supposed to come up with Advertising ideas becasue this franchise doesn’t have a marketing department.  It’s brilliant.  Really.  Unfortunately, all the ideas I have come up with have been trashed, thrown aside, given the big X.  Why?  No clue.  See, they won’t tell us.  They like to keep everything secret – such as who my boss is.  Still unsure about that one.  I spent my first few weeks on the job scouring the internet for advertising ideas, I was excited, thinking they were good ideas.  Now I am just discouraged, frustrated, and compltely confused.  My next plan is to go behind their backs, make a ton of flyers, go to a sporting event or concert and just throw them up in the air at different sections of the complex.  Someone will pick one up, right?  It’s genius.  Or ridiculous.  I’m not quite sure.

The one ray of hope that I have about this job is that it gives me time to write.  And read.  And have interesting conversations with my best friend about vampire worms, bodily functions, ghosts, and every damn thing we think of.  We are so ADD that segue’s don’t exist, yet we keep up with each other.  Soulmates, I’m telling you.  I tried to be mad at her once…it didn’t work out.  That was about two years ago.  To be honest our relationship amazes me.  You always read about those best friends in books, or see it in a movie, and guffaw at the ridiculousness of two people getting along so well.  And then I met her, and now I get it.  I quite literally talk to her every day and when I am feeling like lighting my head of fire she somehow makes me laugh – still not quite sure how she does that, I’m still investigating, however I do know it is amazing and I thank God for her every damn day.  I hope you have a friend like this too, because there really is nothing better than knowing that if everything else in your life is shit, at least you have that one person to turn to who will always make you look on the bright side.  Bitch.

Vampire Worms – they exist

This conversation occurred via text.  I was bored at work and my best friend understands me.

Me: (after examining a large red welt on my wrist) I think I got bit by a spider.  Or a really tiny snake.  Maybe a worm.  They have teeth.

Nikki:  Do HUH?!

Me:  I have a red bump on my arm.

Nikki:  Or maybe a mosquito.

Me:  It looks like there are two little puncture marks.  Maybe it was a tiny vampire.

Me:  When mosquitoes snack on me I don’t get bite marks.  Ever.  But lord knows I’ve donated blood to their cause on countless occasions.

Nikki:  Lmao keep an eye on it, it could be a spider bite.

Me:  Besides. A mosquito doesn’t make a very good story.  Tiny vampire is more impressive.  Or killer worms.  With fangs.  Which is dangerously close to being a snake, so you see the appeal there?

Me:  I’m keeping BOTH eyes on it.  It’s not like I have anything better to do at work.  Except look for taxidermied animals on eBay.

(If you know theblogess, you understand)

Nikki:  Yes, you were bitten by a vampire worm.

Me:  Well, there is a first time for everything.  I could have just discovered a new species of worm.  Maybe I’ll be famous.  Or die.  In which case I would be infamous.

Nikki:  -_-

Me:  Gotta roll with the punches.  Plus if it is a vampire worm I wouldn’t really die.  I would be undead.  So really he saved my life.

Nikki:  Unless you turn into a vampire that instead of a bat turns into a worm.  In which case, really isn’t all that cool.

Me:  I’m already not cool.  I could lead a revolution against all those pesky bat vampires.  How many people are scared of bats?  How many are scared of worms?  Oh! We could send in a troop of worm vampires to enemy countries and take down all the bad people.  Who would suspect a little worm?  Not me.

Me:  Except now I am a worm vampire, so I do suspect myself.

Nikki:  Oh goodness

Me:  I just figured out how to solve world peace.  Vampire Worms.  Genius.

Me:  Plus worms regenerate.  If someone tried to kill us we would just multiply.  They lose.

Nikki:  No offense but I don’t like worms

Me:  I don’t either.  You’re missing the point.

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