Monthly Archives: August 2012
Yesterday life was confusing, before that I felt like life was mundane and before that? Well it was worth living sometimes and other times…not so much. Two days ago I thought my world was falling down around me, yesterday it was just weird, and today? Today was kinda good. But shhh!! Don’t tell anyone!
I have to admit that the cheering up my best friend attempted to do to me last night actually worked. Damn that girl. She was right. Ya see that missy?!? YOU WERE RIGHT! …again. She’s persistent, that one, and I love her for it. And obviously she loves me otherwise she wouldn’t put up with all my moping and sorrow and ridiculous loss I feel. (felt?)
When I woke up this morning and realized it was Thursday and that I actually wanted to go to work it was a pretty amazing feeling. Do you know how many years it has been since I actually wanted to go to work? Probably not, but trust me, it’s been quite a few. ALSO! tomorrow is Friday, and I was so excited to be excited about that because for the last few months the thought has been something along the lines of, “yippee…it’s Friday….only one more day of work…” And now I will actually be getting a full weekend! Two whole days!! Who knew I would ever actually be happy about having a two day weekend? Not me, I assure you.
Anywho, I am officially a Website Project Manager (spiffy, huh? Don’t I sound important?!?) and every morning I go into work and as soon as I sit down puppy hops into my lap and plops down as though he has been waiting for me to arrive all morning. There is honestly nothing better than starting a morning at work like that. Once I start working from home I may have to steal my puppies back from my parents just so I can continue this little tradition.
I realized today that I might have learned a little something over the past month…okay, I may have learned a lotta something. DON’T DWELL ON THE PAST. Why you may ask? Schvell, I shall tell you!
- I almost fell into a depression thinking I would never find a good job and then BAM! Hello dream job.
- I thought I didn’t make it into the runway show and then HELLO! I can walk!
- I believed that I would never get over HIM and now I have realized that it is okay to not want another guy. It’s okay to just focus on myself and to reject all the advances I get. (not that being hit on at a bar counts but still…)
- I thought that getting an apartment would be next to impossible but now I have someone willing to be my roommate whom I love very much and I am really excited about living with her. She is kind of awesome, and we are both trying to better ourselves so I think it will be good for us. We can push each other and cheer each other on.
So, dear followers/readers, whoever you are, I remind you to NEVER GIVE UP! Always listen to your best friend! When you feel like everything is going south stop, take a few steadying, deep breaths and stay in the moment because whatever has happened, already happened. It’s there. It’s done. It’s written. However, what is written next is all up to you. You get to decide your fate (unless you don’t believe in free will or fate but that is a whole different subject that I could spend way too much time on and would NOT be a very interesting blog post…or would it?? Hmmm…). You get to decide if you will be happy, or sad, or confused, or indifferent. But whatever you do, do it passionately. Do it well. Do it to it’s full extent. Live exuberantly. See every roadblock as a new challenge you get to figure out and learn from.
We all make mistakes and most of us make the same ones more than once, but you know what I’ve learned? I don’t regret them. And I think that is more important than anything else.
Today was day three of my new job. My DREAM job. I should be all sunshine and rainbows, shouldn’t I? But I can’t seem to get to that point yet. I let things get in my way. I let HIM get in my mind and stay there and fester. It’s like I can’t make one single move without him popping up and reminding me that I have a memory stored away that relates back to him in some way, shape, or form. It is quite tiring to constantly be running away from your memories. They always catch me.
I feel like I should be further along in my “getting over him” process, but for some reason I feel stuck. Like I’m on a treadmill running as fast as I can and he is just standing there behind me, laughing at my attempts. It’s like he has me tethered to him and even though he doesn’t want me anymore, doesn’t care about me anymore, he wants to make sure I can’t move on. Wants to keep me unhappy, confused, unsure. And then I remember that he has no control over me. In fact I am the one doing the tethering. I am too scared to move forward just in case he decides to come back; decides he still wants me.
So what is it exactly that is keeping me here? Why do I let myself feel so bad about myself? Why do I let him get me down? He did all those things, not me. I am not the one to blame and yet it’s all I do. I tell myself I am a bad person, that I don’t deserve – I believe he does, but I don’t ever tell myself that I do. I constantly put myself down. When I catch myself doing this I attempt to reverse it, I remind myself that I am a good person, that I am worthwhile, and that everybody makes mistakes so even if I had done something worth this much torture there was no way I deserved it. I don’t think anybody deserves it so why wasn’t I including myself in that?
And then my best friend reminds me of just how freaking annoying she is by sending me this:
Because she IS right. I DO deserve better. But the issue I have trouble coming to terms with is this: Why doesn’t he deserve to have me? The whole time we were together people told me that he was lucky. That I deserved better. But…didn’t he deserve to have someone who would put up with all his shit? Didn’t he deserve someone who would overlook his anger and all his money issues? Didn’t he deserve that? And doesn’t he still? I loved him for who he was – bad decisions and all. Because when I was with him it was like the world fell out from under us. It was like nothing else mattered, that if it was just him and me then nothing else mattered. And I’m just supposed to give that up and move on from it? I’m supposed to believe that there may be something better out there? Well I’m sorry, but I don’t.
Before I was with him I didn’t want to get married or have kids. When I was with him that was all I wanted…and now, again I am not sure if I want those things. With the opportunities that seem to be coming my way I am beginning to think that maybe I should just be alone forever, maybe love isn’t my thing. Maybe I’m too fragile for it. I fall too hard. I feel too intensely. It hurts too much. And quite frankly I’m tired of being hurt. I know I do it to myself, but I don’t know if I could handle it again.
And then Mrs. Annoying sends me this…
Give up??? Me?!? Ha!! I never give up! I’m too stubborn! And then I realize…haven’t I already given up on my future? Haven’t I already told myself that if I can’t have him I don’t want anybody else? Haven’t I said that I can’t imagine ever finding another man attractive? (which, so far, has been true)
Basically I am saying I don’t want to give up on him, but I will give up on myself. Why is it so much easier for me to root for other people’s happiness and just throw mine away? SO CONFUSING!
It seems like I will say one thing one minute and completely contradict myself the next – completely on accident!! And I don’t realize it until someone points it out for me or I am thinking on it too much and my fallacy becomes apparent.
Basically I am a contradiction. Up and down and all the way across. I can’t make up my mind, I have no idea what I want (really), and there seems to be a new opportunity arise every week that could lead my life in a different direction. Maybe if modeling works out for me I should just leave Texas behind and move somewhere else. Somewhere where every store, restaurant, and road doesn’t remind me of him. Somewhere I can meet new people and start over. I love my friends, but if they are really my friends they will remain such. Right?
As always, I have hope that it will all work out and faith that I will make it. I believe that there is something great in store for me, I’m just not sure what it is quite yet. So, I will continue to do what I’m doing, go forward, and try not to look back so much.
Update: I was sent another gem by the annoying one ::sigh:: I love that girl.
Today should have been a good day by all accounts – but I found you haunting me all day. When I am alone you enter my mind. When I try not to think about you, you appear. Tears well in my eyes and I have to brush them away before they are allowed to trace tracks down my cheeks, giving me away.
You are probably fine. You probably don’t care about me anymore. Maybe even hardly remember me. But I remember you. I remember your laugh, and your hug, and your touch. The way you would make me feel calm with a hug. Turn a moment of sadness into hysterical laughter.
They say I will get over you. I will forget you. I will move on. But I still don’t want to. I still believe. I still hope.
Is it stupid? Is it in vain? I don’t care.
I’m tired of being told what to think or what to do. I am dealing in my own special way and I will make it. I try to focus my energy on myself and what I want, but that doesn’t mean I can’t keep him in my meditations. I still send him good thoughts, hoping he is okay and well and that he will get everything he wants in life. I don’t care if he doesn’t wish the same for me because I don’t know, maybe he does. All I know is that I can’t send him negative thoughts, I can only think good things about him, no matter what he has done to me. People may think I am wasting my time and energy, but I don’t think I am. And I think that’s all that matters.
I don’t do angry well. I can’t be mad at him. I can only ask “why?” I will never know, but I will always know that through it all I never lost faith in him. I always believed in him. And that is more than I can say for most people.
I will continue to do what I am doing. I will still cry. But I will also still live. I will keep going forward and living for myself and hope that somewhere along the way something will change. Maybe I will finally be able to let go. I don’t know what will happen, but neither does anybody else.
Tomorrow is another day. Next month will be full of them. Next year as well. I have a lot of days left to take on – but I will manage. And every day I will remind you that I love you. I will hope for your happiness, and continue to work on mine.
You know those moments in life when something out of the ordinary happens, something fantastic, and you think to yourself, “I must be dreaming?” I had one last Sunday when I found out I actually made it into the runway show I went to the casting for because I had never walked down a runway before; hell, I had never been taught how to do a runway walk before (plus it had been over three weeks since the casting and she said she would get back to us after a week). I have always focused on acting because I never dreamed I could model but for some reason in the past year I have had my heart set on TRYING to model. At the beginning of 2012 I told myself this would be my year to do things I had never done/had always been afraid to try, and this was one of those.
So that was jaw dropping moment number one. Today I got jaw dropping moment number two…
It was Rehearsal #1 and in the email we had been told that not everyone would have to come to all five rehearsals, I assumed I would be one of these people thinking that fewer rehearsals meant smaller part. I was wrong.
Due to scheduling conflicts only three of the 12 designers were able to make it but we still all did our runway walks for them. Two of the designers picked me. Apparently one had picked me before I even walked and when she called me over to talk after I walked she said, “I wanted you when I saw you but after I saw you walk I said to myself ‘definitely.'” (Or something along those lines.) As I have said before it is difficult for me to take compliments, and while this wasn’t exactly a compliment I found myself balking. “Does she have the right girl?” “Am I being punked?” “Would you thank the woman!!” Finally I stuttered out a thank you before returning to my seat to contemplate what had just happened.
Confidence is a funny thing. I am confident in myself, but I am not confident in my body image. Having been larger in high school I still find it difficult to actually see a size two in the mirror, let alone believe that other people see me as a size two – though, why wouldn’t they? It’s what I am. But try telling me that! I will deny it. I’m very confusing.
Not too long after I sat down I was called into a group for another designer – the designer that would lead off the show. So, not only do I get to be in a runway show, as of right now I get to walk for two designers AND be in the opening walk. I may even get to walk for more designers but I won’t find out until the next rehearsal. I guess this is just proof to myself that you will never know what you can do until you try. This also proved that I shouldn’t assume things…only if you aren’t in the first walk do you have to come to all the rehearsals. Because we are awesome (and don’t have to learn a dance).
Now, this is not a paid event, I will only get photos and video of the show, however, it is a charity event benefiting Oxfam America. If you happen to live in or around D/FW you can get tickets here. I think I am more excited that it is an unpaid event…possibly because I feel less pressure, although, now that I think about it maybe I should feel more pressure… Oh well, for now I will just remain excited and happy to be a part of something so great!