Depression? PTSD? Anxiety? Psychosis? Yes please!

Ladies, we’ve all done it.  We have terrible cramps OUT OF NOWHERE so we go to google and discover…we are pregnant!! Apparently.  Every.  Single.  Time.  Or we have cancer.  One or the other.  It never fails.  I bruise easily even though I take my vitamins like a good little girl and will wake up covered in random bruises.  Now, I know I’m accident prone but you would think I would at least remember slamming my knee into something.  Or my hand.  Or my shin.  Or my thigh.  But there they are in the morning, dark and lovely, reminding me of a fun time I just don’t remember having.  Maybe my dreams are more than dreams.  Maybe I actually live it out in some alternate universe and I wake up with that Sara’s pain and she gets to remain perfectly perfect and intact wherever the hell she is.  Alterna-Sara is a bitch.  At one point I was convinced I had some form of cancer because of the bruising mixed with lethargy and a plethora of other symptoms that matched exactly.  I didn’t.  I had an iron deficiency.  Where was that on webMD?

Anyway, I have discovered that mental dis-functionality is much similar to this phenomenon.  I’m having a bad day for no reason so…it must be depression!  Here’s some Zoloft! Didn’t work?  How about some Cymbalta!  Still nothing?  Try Prozac!  No, no, says a different doctor, it’s your PTSD.  You haven’t dealt with all the mean men from your childhood yet.  Oh yeah, and that big “r” word that happened.  Should probably talk to someone about that.  But I disagree.  I spent several years in therapy trying to “deal” with my depression only to find out recently that most of it was derived from PTSD.  Wonderul.  Who wants to pay my parents back for all those therapy sessions?  Therapy had its merits, but in the end, it wasn’t for me.

Let’s see, what else?  Oh yes, if I start to freak out because I haven’t heard from someone in a few days I have some kind of anxiety disorder.  Have some Xanax.  Well…I must admit that that one does work, but do I need it?  Probably not.  At least not until I’m a little less than psychotic because having Xanax and alcohol under the same roof is just dangerous – you start to get ideas…brilliantly bad ideas.

Here’s the deal though, if I do have depression (which, according to various doctors, I do in fact have both clinical as well as situational depression, but what do they know?) why does it matter?  Honestly, my earliest memories are of thinking I was worthless, and fat, and just downright useless.  BUT!  I’m still here.  I’m chugging along.  I’m…dealing in my own special way.  When I WAS taking anti-depressants things seemed to be going well, but I didn’t feel like myself.  Is that bad?  Is it wrong to only feel like yourself when you are constantly battling negative and self-loathing thoughts.  I’m sure most people would say yes.  Bad, Sara.  Get help Sara.  But I did get help and all it taught me was that I need to trust myself more.   I began to rely on what they said more than what I felt.  Bad.  Idea.  I discovered that I know myself pretty well, AND I know what I want.  And when I say I know what I want, I mean I have no idea what I want and I’m okay with that.  My long-term goals as of right now are to be a Stepford wife/mom to six kids and at some point become a novelist.  I don’t have to be famous, I just want to made a difference to someone out there.

I think if we embrace who we are, flaws and all, we can all make it.  To me, it is similar to embracing your body.  Few people like the way they look, but we are taught to like ourselves just the way we are.  I still find that part difficult, but I sure as hell embrace my psychosis!  I refuse to try any more medication because of this wonderful little tidbit, when you go off the meds, you MIGHT have psychotic episodes.  This little girl did in fact have those episodes.  Two.  Hello ER. Talk about an experience you never want to have again.  It scared the shit out of me.  How do you get away from your attacker when you are the one attacking?  Don’t try this at home, kids.

Depression?  Check.  PTSD?  Check.  Anxiety?  Check.  Self-diagnosed psychosis.  Check.  Proud to be me?  Check!  How can I not?  The thoughts that bump around in my head that never make it out would scare my friends and family, but I have them, and I deal with them and don’t let them take over my life.  Some days are really bad, but there is always a tomorrow.  It might not have sunshine and rainbows and unicorns, but it will bring something new to the table.  I’m hoping for pie.  Or cookies.

As always, I have faith.  Faith in myself.  Faith that I will make it.  Love who you are.  Embrace who you are.  And never let go.

I like to see my life as this wonderfully messed up story that someone is reading right now, and as they read my life unfolds before me.  But at the same time, I’m the one writing the book, and I get to choose what’s in the next chapter.


About izinspiredtowrite

I daydream constantly. I read everything. I fall upstairs. I trip on flat surfaces. I ask lots of questions. I believe in something great. I love. I live. I am.

Posted on August 20, 2012, in Faith, Life, Observations, Thoughts and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Those drugs only work in specific cases… didn’t work on my depression and anxiety at all. And my psychiatrist got crazy after I started going there. I don’t get why some countries allows those drugs to be publicized and sold/prescribe like they are M&M’s.

    I learned to live with my pain and anger and I’m doing quite fine. Although, my problems are nothing compared to yours. Interesting post, you are quite courageous to talk about the big R and everything else, really liked your frankness, that’s no easy subject to talk about. I’m glad I’m not the only one who skipped therapy and meds. When life doesn’t bring something to the table, I do it myself – usually cake and chocolate mousse.

    Hope you get more better days ahead and that the book of your life turn into a bright colorful story… unless the world ends, wich in that case is going suck. Really loved your blog. Looking forward for more posts.

    P.S.: On a lighter note, google for xkcd Hypochrondiac’s Nightmare.

    • I don’t get it either. I think sometimes we depend on them too much, and I don’t like depending on a pill. It kind of scares me, to be honest.

      Thank you for thinking me courageous, I found that I couldn’t talk about it at first and just kept it all in and then kind of hit a wall where I needed to talk about it and suddenly the support I needed was there. It is amazing how many people have been through similar things. What I was most afraid of was people feeling sorry for me – I am not a victim, I am a survivor. I always try to look at it like this: it happened to me because I could handle it. Am I glad it happened? Well, no. But it has made me a stronger person and I am grateful for that.

      Also, I like cake too, as long as it’s in the form of a CUPcake. Because…ya know, there’s totally a difference.

      And if the world ends there is always the infinite beyond! 🙂

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate the feedback!

      P.S.: Thanks for the laugh. I am glad I only get paranoid sporadically. It also doesn’t help when your best friend is pregnant and suddenly everything that happens to you can be related to pregnancy! Every random craving I have gets a raised eye…oy!

      • Don’t worry, according to Kurzweil in the future we’ll get nano-machines to fix most problems (bye pills)… except bad memories, feelings and emotions. That is only up to ourselves.

        I’m glad to know you could overcome it and get stronger in the process. Even more that people today see things different and give support instead of judging. Most women don’t handle the fact very well. Would never feel sorry, but would feel some hurt and the fact that something like this still take place today.

        Véronique is right… meditation works, I know for sure…

        Hmmm, Cupcakes… well, I preffer cakes… chocolate with plenty of lemon mousse topping… I never thought that blogs could make me hungry.

        Keep up the good spirit, not many women like you out there.

        P.S.: You are welcome. I have the same problem too with google and health… luckily It’s under control. And I also have random strange cravings… lucky for me I know I’m not pregnant due to XY reason 😛

      • Oh, goody! Machines to fix us…that sounds just as bad.

        Thanks for the kind words! I will definitely be trying out meditation, as well as yoga…and kickboxing, and ballet, and gymnastics haha. So much I want to do!

        P.S.: Lucky you. Apparently randomly craving broccoli and pulled pork smothered in mustard and Cholula isn’t normal. Who knew?!?

  2. The pharmaceutical companies are only to happy to sell you pills. I know a few people who have been taking prozac for a number of years, the side effects are horrendous and the doctors are having to give more drugs to cope with the side effects as well…

    Meditation helps with Depression and so does Reiki , do you know of Reiki?

    Writing a blog is also very therapeutic…. You are the best person to heal you.

    p.s. I love cup cakes too :0) Véronique

    • Prozac seemed nice at first and then after a few months it started to have negative side effects, which is why I decided to quit it. I think the mind is a powerful thing and I believe my thoughts can change more than any pill ever could and once I left the influence of therapy I was really able to look inside myself and, especially recently, really change how I think.

      I am considering getting back into yoga and I have been reading about how great meditation is for you. I attempt to meditate but I don’t think I do it too well quite yet. I do not know of Reiki but I will now look in to it. Thank you for the suggestion.

      p.s. Isn’t there just something about cupcakes that make you happy? It’s the perfect amount of cake and it’s just for you!

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