Candles in a Dark Room

This morning I woke up to a beautiful text from my best friend.  Most mornings start off dark and I have to push through to find this light.  I kind of look it like waking up in pitch black and stumbling around until you find a source of light, a candle, and think of a way to light it.   But this morning when I woke up in my Dark Room there was already a candle lit for me:

“I just wanted to tell you that I love you, and you are one of the most important people in my life.  You can never be replaced or forgotten.  You are one of a kind and my one and only soulmate.”

It was 7:30 and my first thought was, “who the hell is texting me this early?!”  As soon as I saw who it was from I softened, this girl could call me at three in the morning and I wouldn’t mind, she is irreplacable and keeps me going on my worst days.  A smile immediately stole across my face and I thought to myself, “this is going to be a good day.”  How could it not?  I woke up to the knowledge that there is a person out there who loves me, and is there anything else to be more grateful for than that?

When I finally got out of bed I was slightly discombobulated – I had had crazy dreams.  Beyond crazy.  Those kinds of dreams that you wake from wondering if they were real, or if the person you dreamed of is going to mean something to you.  Will I meet this person?  Is he real?  Why do I keep seeing my love in my dreams – keep seeing him just beyond reach.  What did this all mean?  Does it even mean anything?  Sometimes I like dreams that leave you wondering, but this morning I didn’t want it.  I have been trying to move on, stop thinking about him, but my dreams refuse to let me; my thoughts always find a way to remember him.

Instead of focusing on him and my dream I focused on the text.  On the day.  Trying to make a conscious decision to make today a good day.  What other candles could I light?

  • It is August in Texas and it is 70 degrees outside and raining.  Now, rain can make me go either way – sometimes it is incredibly difficult to be happy on rainy days because depression can creep in and make that rain cloud move over your head as well.  Eeyorish days can be difficult to escape from.  But sometimes rain is my favorite. I do some of my best writing when I am just sitting and listening to the rain pound on the roof, and drip though the trees.  So I choose to make the rain another candle, not snuff out my already lit one.
  • Over three weeks ago I went to an open call for a charity runway show and they said we would hear from them within a week.  I didn’t get an email or a phone call so I assumed I hadn’t gotten a spot.  It would have been a great opportunity and I was really hoping I wohad impressed someone enough to be chosen.  There was no pay but it was for a great charity and I would get pictures and a video from it plus it is an international show so I would get exposure.  And then last night at 11 I got an email from someone giving me the rehearsal schedule for the event and apologizing for getting back to me so late.  I had completely forgotten about the show, after I hadn’t heard anything I just believed that some other opportunity would come along later.  Recently I have been really trying to change my thoughts and maybe this had something to do with it, I don’t know, but I am going to believe that the good vibes I have been putting out there are returning to me.  Maybe things are really going to start happening for me.
  • I will be going skydiving next month.  I have wanted to sky dive for a really long time and I just happened to bring it up to a friend who is also trying to live her life for herself instead of other people and it just so happened that she and her friends already had an outing planned.  So I joined in.  And last night, when I saw the schedule for the rehearsals my heart dropped; there was going to be a rehearsal on the Sunday of the dive and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do both…I would have to choose the runway show or skydiving.  Then this morning I have an email from the group saying that the date has been changed from a Sunday to a Saturday.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  But…I don’t believe in coincidence.
  • This is my last week at this job.  There is really nothing better than knowing you are going from a job you dread waking up in the morning for to a job that is quite possibly your dream job.
  • Because of the new job I will be starting I will be able to move back into my own place.
  • I put down my deposit to get my dragon tattoo finished last night and scheduled my appointment for August 31st.  I think it will be a great way to end one hell of an August.
  • I start school again on Monday.  I have been out of school for awhile because I couldn’t decide on a major and didn’t have the money to pay for it.  But I have finally chosen (English and Computer Science) and I will finally get that degree I have so longed for.

Even as I write this negative thoughts are trying to blow out my candles.  But I will try to turn every negative into a positive.  Every “no” into a “yes”.  Every “I can’t” into an “I can.”  Every “you’re not good enough” into an, “hell yes I am!”

Perception is reality, right?  I have changed my perception and my reality.  Or at least I am trying to.

To add another candle to my Dark Room I will end this post with my favorite quote:

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” ~ Shakespeare

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About izinspiredtowrite

I daydream constantly. I read everything. I fall upstairs. I trip on flat surfaces. I ask lots of questions. I believe in something great. I love. I live. I am.

Posted on August 21, 2012, in Thoughts and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. After the crappy last year I had, I’m having trouble getting this positive again this year. One day at a time I guess.

    Wow 70ºF~21ºC… wanna trade places? hehe its about 95ºF here and its winter. I don’t get it why people get depressed in grey days. They are so awseome. Tattoos, skydiving, modeling (sweet) and changing jobs… you are younger than me and did more than I have (you sound cooler and cooler by the second). I considered computer science, couldn’t do it though, lost the nerve. I’m also trying to get some writing done as well. My first attempt in about a decade, but thanks to a busy month didn’t move much foward in story structure and character bios.

    I didn’t wrote before, but punching bags are therapeutic too. You gonna feel awesome… in physical pain and tired, but awesome hehe.

    P.S.: Okay, your craving is odd compared to mine. You got a problem with machines? Just wondering, where you’re getting inked? I’m considering to get inked too once I get the job I’m strugling for.

    • Always one day at a time. We must live in the present because that’s all we have – we can’t live in the past because it already happened and the future doesn’t exist yet, we still get to decide where we will end up.

      Sorry, don’t want to trade places, I love Texas too much. Although I do quite enjoy the heat since I am generally cold. When I sweat I get excited…because I am a dork (very far from cool, I promise).

      I couldn’t choose between the two so I figured I might as well go for both. I used to get scared and back down from a lot of things but I decided that this year would be the year to do things that scare me, things I always talk about doing but never actually get around to doing, it is 2012 after all…who really knows what will happen in December? 🙂

      And I have been told that punching bags are therapeutic, which is why I will be joining a boxing club soon. As soon as the new job starts and my pecuinary interests begin to look up. Plus I like pain…in a totally non-creepy way. It hurts so good!

      P.S.: I don’t have a problem with machines, I just respect them. I also name most inanimate objects because…well…I also happen to talk to them. Have I ever mentioned I have a grand ole time when I’m by myself?? And I am having a friend finish my dragon – he’s independent.

      • There was a time that the future looked so clear. Then it got foggy, but it’s coming back now. Just a bad moment that comes and goes. Getting to decide my own future was very odd. I regreat nothing.

        Dork is the new cool. And since you like hot, summers here can reach 115ºF… you’ll sweat all day 🙂 Kinda wish I was cold. I’m really heat up, I love grey cold weather. I get excited when I don’t sweat. There is something about Texas that I like as well (except the excessive religiosity and extreme scary right wingers) but the heat is kinda of a no go for me (although, feels like there is something nice your way now).

        I gotta say I’m looking forward to December. Aliens, Yellowstone super volcano or zombies I’m ready. No worries about robot apocalypse (http://what-if.xkcd.com/5/).

        Pain is kinda helpful to remind us that we are still breathing and able to fight forward. One of the main reasons I kept on no matter what life throws in my way.

        P.S.: Oh my, you talk to objects? That’s not weird, sometimes I find myself yelling at my PC and the screen. What do you do when you are by yourself? (normal really is overrated) I was actually referring as to where in your body you getting inked. I’m planning getting my back covered and a sleeve in my right arm.

      • Maybe I am used to it, but I really don’t see the excessive religiosity and extreme scary right wingers. Maybe it’s because I’m in Dallas. I don’t know, but, honestly, it isn’t that bad.

        My tattoo is on the right side of my torso. From hip to mid ribs. After that I will get wings on my back and a lion on the left side of my torso and start one of my sleeves…as soon as I figure out what I want on them haha

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