This Mundane Life
As I sit at work, staring past my computer, daydreaming about a far away place where the water sparkles and the foliage spills over and I sit sunbathing on a rock, listening to the world around me, I am often jolted back to reality by the honk of a horn; the squeal of tires; the cacophony of an emergency vehicle zooming past – and I wonder, where are all these people going? What are they doing? Are they happy? Do they know if they are happy? Do they ever focus on their happiness or sadness or…mundane-ness?
Sometimes when I’m driving I completely zone out until I realize I have reached my destination and I wonder how exactly I got there. When I get in that zone I’m wondering where I am taking myself, why am I going here? To meet a friend? But why? To pay to eat less than satisfying food and have a drink and talk about nothing? To feel a little less alone in the world? Don’t I want more than this? I know I do. So what am I doing to change it? I can’t do much to change my activities – most of what I want to do requires money. But I am trying to change my outlook. I feel best when I am helping others but I keep being told that in order to help others I have to help myself first…
I recently realized that I am keeping myself from the things I love because I have been depressed and unwilling to force myself to go out and have fun, or do the activity that I have been jonesing to do for awhile. I miss him and every time I try to tell myself to move on, to focus on myself he pops back into my head, reminding me of how much I miss what we had; the way he made me laugh; his hugs. It is incredibly difficult. More difficult than I ever imaged. I have been through some pretty rough times and those were easier to overcome that this is proving to be. But, apparently, in order to love you must first love yourself. I would like to say that I do love myself, but I have realized that on most days I struggle with it.
Ideas like: I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m worthless. I’m incapable of everything. Nobody will ever love me again. My friends don’t really like me, they just put up with me. I’m not good enough. Negative, after negative, after negative.
I can be positive for anybody else – everyone else is good enough and pretty enough and skinny enough, but me? No. Apparently I hold myself to higher standards. I must be perfect or else. It isn’t always like this, but I have days when I feel like I have a few anvils balancing on my head, pushing me down.
There is nothing about me that sets me apart from a crowd, I live a generally mundane life, I too drive around like the cars I watch every day with no real destination in life. Sometimes I settle into my routine and other times I begin to panic, thinking I’m not pushing myself enough, not getting out enough, not living enough. Am I like the cars I see go by? Am I making an endless venture into the world I want to know so much about? Am I really living? Am I embracing life? What is it that I want?
When I get into this funk I think to myself, “all I want is to drive around the world discovering new…everything. Having adventures. Meeting new people. Living. I feel like my life is on pause, sure I am moving forward – I am back in school, I have a new job lined up, I may get a new place soon, I have friends, blah, blah, blah. But what am I doing to better myself and the world? Am I making an impact? Do I matter? Will I matter? Can I?
Am I just a car, moving steadily through life, stopping at each new destination but never really arriving anywhere?
Some days I feel like the future is waiting for me, anxious to discover my next move. Other days I feel like I will never amount to the person I want to become. I will never reach my destination. And why is it that I feel like losing the love of my life will bring my life to a screeching halt? Why can I be so positive on one day and cry every hour the next?
Where is that strength I pride myself on? Where is the Sara that sees an obstacle and devises a way around it? I know she is here, I guess she just likes to take sabbaticals some times.
Even as I’m writing this I realize how I am letting the negative overwhelm me. “Life is what you make it” a little voice is telling me. “Never give up” it says. “You are more than you know.” I suppose as long as I keep in mind that I want to do more than I am doing, I will. Just because I can’t quite yet, doesn’t mean that I won’t be striving to do it and working towards it.
My mind is an incredibly confusing place. Definitely need to meditate.
Posted on August 23, 2012, in Life, Observations, Thoughts and tagged depression, life, lost love, meditate, mundane, negativity, obstacles, rough times, strength, talk about nothing. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.