This Mundane Life

As I sit at work, staring past my computer, daydreaming about a far away place where the water sparkles and the foliage spills over and I sit sunbathing on a rock, listening to the world around me, I am often jolted back to reality by the honk of a horn; the squeal of tires; the cacophony of an emergency vehicle zooming past – and I wonder, where are all these people going?  What are they doing?  Are they happy?  Do they know if they are happy?  Do they ever focus on their happiness or sadness or…mundane-ness?

Sometimes when I’m driving I completely zone out until I realize I have reached my destination and I wonder how exactly I got there.  When I get in that zone I’m wondering where I am taking myself, why am I going here?  To meet a friend?  But why?  To pay to eat less than satisfying food and have a drink and talk about nothing?  To feel a little less alone in the world?  Don’t I want more than this?  I know I do.  So what am I doing to change it?  I can’t do much to change my activities – most of what I want to do requires money.  But I am trying to change my outlook.  I feel best when I am helping others but I keep being told that in order to help others I have to help myself first…

I recently realized that I am keeping myself from the things I love because I have been depressed and unwilling to force myself to go out and have fun, or do the activity that I have been jonesing to do for awhile.  I miss him and every time I try to tell myself to move on, to focus on myself he pops back into my head, reminding me of how much I miss what we had; the way he made me laugh; his hugs.  It is incredibly difficult.  More difficult than I ever imaged.  I have been through some pretty rough times and those were easier to overcome that this is proving to be.  But, apparently, in order to love you must first love yourself.  I would like to say that I do love myself, but I have realized that on most days I struggle with it.

Ideas like: I’m fat.  I’m ugly.  I’m worthless.  I’m incapable of everything.  Nobody will ever love me again.  My friends don’t really like me, they just put up with me.  I’m not good enough.  Negative, after negative, after negative.

I can be positive for anybody else – everyone else is good enough and pretty enough and skinny enough, but me?  No.  Apparently I hold myself to higher standards.  I must be perfect or else. It isn’t always like this, but I have days when I feel like I have a few anvils balancing on my head, pushing me down.

There is nothing about me that sets me apart from a crowd, I live a generally mundane life, I too drive around like the cars I watch every day with no real destination in life.  Sometimes I settle into my routine and other times I begin to panic, thinking I’m not pushing myself enough, not getting out enough, not living enough.  Am I like the cars I see go by?  Am I making an endless venture into the world I want to know so much about?  Am I really living?  Am I embracing life?  What is it that I want?

When I get into this funk I think to myself, “all I want is to drive around the world discovering new…everything.  Having adventures.  Meeting new people.  Living.  I feel like my life is on pause, sure I am moving forward – I am back in school, I have a new job lined up, I may get a new place soon, I have friends, blah, blah, blah.  But what am I doing to better myself and the world?  Am I making an impact?  Do I matter?  Will I matter?  Can I?

Am I just a car, moving steadily through life, stopping at each new destination but never really arriving anywhere?

Some days I feel like the future is waiting for me, anxious to discover my next move.  Other days I feel like I will never amount to the person I want to become.  I will never reach my destination.  And why is it that I feel like losing the love of my life will bring my life to a screeching halt?  Why can I be so positive on one day and cry every hour the next?

Where is that strength I pride myself on?  Where is the Sara that sees an obstacle and devises a way around it?  I know she is here, I guess she just likes to take sabbaticals some times.

Even as I’m writing this I realize how I am letting the negative overwhelm me.  “Life is what you make it” a little voice is telling me.  “Never give up” it says.  “You are more than you know.”  I suppose as long as I keep in mind that I want to do more than I am doing, I will.  Just because I can’t quite yet, doesn’t mean that I won’t be striving to do it and working towards it.

My mind is an incredibly confusing place.  Definitely need to meditate.

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About izinspiredtowrite

I daydream constantly. I read everything. I fall upstairs. I trip on flat surfaces. I ask lots of questions. I believe in something great. I love. I live. I am.

Posted on August 23, 2012, in Life, Observations, Thoughts and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Life is what we make, what we build and what we experience. Wonder about our lifes affecting other people is a waste of time. No matter how hard we try to justify our existence, the fact is there is no justification. We live to make ourselves happy and the ones around us (if trully friends) will be affected as well. We are speckles of dust in a near infinite universe. Try to make a difference right now for those around is noble, but only long after we pass that those effects will be felt. We shoudl only concern with our happiness, without high standards, just daring as much as possible. We shouldn’t care if we can do more, we do what we can and hope everything will come as we try. We do what we can, when we can and if we can. Selfishness is just part of our nature that we should ambrace and rejoice instead of fear and regreat.

    You recognizing that life is a near perpetual routine puts you above everyone else that failed to understand it. That is much more than most will do and enough motivation to go on. Put ourselves in such high standards and think that people expect something more of us (more than friendship, help, support and just being there) is self-help BS that pushes people to insanity. You are strong, a survivor and fighter from the little I can tell about you. That is what makes you more than just a mundane life in a repetitive hive mind world we are forced top struggle on. You defied every convention and stood up (anybody else would be broken and defeated). Before you go out to explore the unknown, try exploring yourself… as you said, meditate and punch bags 🙂

    (And I think I may have overwrote)

    P.S.: Dallas is the normal part of Texas. Would love to visit it. That’s a lot of ink you are planning. To make a sleeve grab your passion, the hoobies and things you enjoy and mix it up with a natural element that defines you. The tattoo artist should be able to make something up 🙂 or get really confused 😛

    • The only thing I have come up with so far is a Phoenix. But that seems so generic. None of my hobbies seem tattoo-worthy. But my artist is freaking amazing and he does most of his stuff freehand and he is very creative so I’m sure he will be able to help me come up with an idea. *fingers-crossed*

    • Also, I think I explore myself way too much. (dirty?) I think about all the things I want to do and achieve and try but haven’t been actually doing them. It is time to actually do something about it!! Things are just a bit confusing right now, should I get my own place? Should I get a roommate? Should I continue living with my parents? If I do move out which area do I want to live in? Should I live on the cheap and fear leaving my car in the parking lot or spend more money and not worry? Does it really matter? STOP WORRYING!! Let life be.

      But I have noticed that you can tell yourself to stop worrying all you want and it just won’t go away. I need to write them out or something. There is a lot I NEED to do…hmph! Oh, awesome, I’m overwhelming myself by simply thinking about this. I’m terrible at following my own advice. So need to work on that.

  2. Easy… one way to stop overthinking is making “now the priority” and solve the problem at hand and after that solve the long term one. Future stuff will have it’s own time. Above all, be pratical… what would make things easier? Like the move out of parents house, I’d say don’t… you are going back to school, so this would make some things easier. Lay ground for the future and then walk through it. But that’s just me… you need to decide what makes YOU happy (bollocks, this sounded like self-help crap). Ease up on yourself, try to think that there are crazier people on the planet.

    We have to explore ourselves very much to be happy… otherwise we’d go nuts trying to figure out situations without a clue on what our own stand is. Also, there is nothing wrong with self exploration (dirty?).

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