Monthly Archives: September 2012
Apparently you are supposed to be able to look inside yourself and see the true you. Clearly I have some things to learn. Because when I look inside myself all I see is crazy. And awesome. But I can’t explain why – I just know I am.
I have realized recently that the only time I feel truly myself and at peace is when I am driving, listening to music. And the more I do it, the more I realize that it is true. I somehow have a very deep connection to the road. Or maybe it is to the sense of getting away, of not being tied to anything. Just me, the road, my music, and a map. Which only adds to my confusion. Why does that feel the most me? Aren’t I supposed to be making my life here and settling down? Isn’t that what I wanted? Who. Freaking. Knows. Oh wait…I’m supposed to know.
Some times I want to sell all of my possessions and just take my car and drive until I decide to stop just to see where I would wind up.
Maybe some day I will. Honestly, at this moment in time, it sounds like the most sane thing to do.
Oh, and I am supposed to focus on the positive thing so here goes:
1. I may be part of a paid runway tour for a designer next summer.
2. I have a great job.
3. I have wonderful family and friends.
4. Today my bosses bought me cookies (cookies are ALWAYS a positive thing)
5. The weather is beautiful.
This is a short list, but they are important things, people. Don’t underestimate the power of a giant chocolate chip cookie and some sunshine.
I had been doing so well. I hadn’t thought about HIM excessively for awhile and then Friday night he hit like a ton of bricks. I was out with friends and I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to lock myself in a stall and just completely lose control. Racking sobs doubled me over – I was gone, back to where I had been so many months ago, and I had no idea where it came from. The friends I was with were people I had met because of HIM, but I had hung out with them several times, at that same bar no less, but suddenly I couldn’t stand it. Suddenly HE was everywhere. And since then I haven’t been able to shake him. I’m having dreams again. Vivid dreams, where he makes me feel worthless, and says things to imply that he never cared for me. I wake up feeling like it all just happened. And it hurts. And I can’t explain it.
I just…I miss him. And I hate that I do. I’m stronger than this. I have to be – with everything that I have gone through and overcome, I must be. Yet I can’t let him go. I don’t want to. It’s almost as though I want to torture myself, which is unfortunately completely plausible. I thought he was my one, and I still do. And maybe he is, or was. I do want to love again but every time I try to get to know someone new it just isn’t the same. Nobody grabs my attention. I know it has only been a few months so it isn’t as though I will find someone automatically, but even before him nobody really drew me in. Only him.
I want to have a companion but I don’t want someone to actually like me. I just want someone to hang out with. Someone who won’t fall for me. Someone who will just be there. Maybe someone as mixed up and confused as I am. That would be nice. Someone who I could just hang out with and not have to explain my random bouts of depression. Someone I can lose control around and they will understand, and not ask questions. Questions make everything worse. “What’s wrong?” I don’t know. I wish I knew, that might make things much easier – or maybe it would make it worse. I try not to think about it but it always seems to be able to push it’s way to the front of my mind.
I know I should be able to get over it, but when I think that it only gets worse; I get down on myself for one more thing I’m bad at. So I try to just let it play out – I figure it is something I will learn how to handle eventually.
The past week has been difficult in my head. I have been depressed and seriously negative and it has been difficult to transform those negative thoughts into positive ones.
I feel like everything I do is wrong. I don’t know what makes me happy. I feel lost.
I know that it will get better, as bad as it may seem now I know it has been much worse; I know I will get through it; I know things will work out. But it is always difficult to remind yourself of that when your mind keeps telling you stupid shit like you are fat, and incapable of doing anything right, and just all-in-all a failure.
When I realize that I am getting down on myself I attempt to turn my thoughts around – remind myself that those are just thoughts trying to pull me down. That it isn’t me. Unfortunately I have known negativity longer than I have known positivity (at least towards myself) that it is almost like I am not myself when I try to be positive.
So there I am, attempting to cheer myself up while at the same time feeling like I am losing who I am. It is difficult but I know I am strong and capable and anything I do IS me, whether or not I feel like it is. I mean, who else can I be but myself? Right?
Sometimes, though, I wonder if maybe there are several different Sara’s in here trying to vie for the spotlight. Seven to be exact. All battling it out in my head, confusing me further every day.
I want to do something that makes me happy but I don’t really understand that emotion. Sometimes I think I am happy and then I realize I’m not. I know that I ENJOY gardening, being outside, outdoor activities, being around friends, doing housework (when it is my own house/apartment), reading, painting, dancing and various other sport like activities…yet no matter how much I hang out with my friends, or read, or paint, or spend time outside there is always something that nags at me. I don’t even know what it is.
Today was a beautiful day and I drove with my windows down, listening to my music and still something told me that there was something to worry about – or something. I can’t quite place it, it’s just weird. It is almost as though something doesn’t want me to relax, doesn’t want me to accept things for what they are. I feel on edge and antsy and anxious. I hate it.
I dunno…and maybe I never will. There is just so much running through my head that I feel like a runaway train – except there is a destination, I just won’t know until I get there.
This week I haven’t felt like I had anything good to talk about so I have several drafts saved but very little writing done. I’m not sure why nothing has been coming to me but it is incredibly frustrating. But here is a little recap of what my week was like:
- I got a free G5 computer from a friend because they didn’t want to go through selling it and knew I wanted it.
- A friend who I can’t imagine would have any reason to be jealous of me said she was jealous that I have a job I like so much. It made me realize that there is always something we have that someone else doesn’t and I shouldn’t get so down on myself for thinking I’m not making any progress in life.
- I learned that HE wasn’t exactly as loved by his friends as I thought he was and (I hate to admit it) but it made it a lot easier for me to stop thinking about him. When you find out that people were confused as to why you were with him, and thought he treated you like a dog, you start to think, “hey, maybe he wasn’t as much of a saint as I seem to think he was.” It also makes me wonder…”why the hell didn’t anybody say anything?” I always assumed since none of his friends said anything to him when he treated me like shit in front of them that it was okay – if one of my friends treated their significant other poorly I would say something. I suppose men are different.
- I finally got to go for a run/hike yesterday and it happened to be the most beautiful day in the history of ever. I got lost and ended up in the Nature Preserve for an hour. My endorphins were flowing so heavily I wanted to make love with the trees. It. Was. Awesome.
- Last night I played DD to a very good friend of mine and, even though I hit tired at 11:45 and didn’t get home until 6:00, I happened to have a lot of fun last night. Every once in awhile it is more fun to know you get to make sure your friend gets home safe than it is to get schwasty faced. Karma, baby.
I have had so much to say this week but I haven’t been able to find the words. I will continue to work on my drafts though because they have the potential to be great…or at least amusing.
I will also be working on answering this question: What do you like to do for fun?
Someone asked me that last night and I realized I couldn’t answer them – I don’t really know anymore. Or maybe I just don’t do what I like to. I dunno…I will have to think about it. How sad is that though? Not knowing what you like to do for fun? ::sigh::
As this Labor day weekend comes to a close I keep feeling like everything is surreal. After my first week at my new job I have a three day weekend – going from one day weekends to a three day weekends sure can throw a person off. I keep feeling like I am going to wake up tomorrow morning and realize that the new job was all a dream. Unfortunately this feeling of living a surreal life happens more often than not and I always wonder if I am real…if my life is real…if this is all really happening. However I am not feeling very introspective today so I am just going to ignore the feeling and remind myself that no matter what, right now it is real so I will just enjoy it. If I happen to wake up days from now in an alternate reality maybe I will re-evaluate the whole surreal thing…IF.
I’m not sure what other people do for Labor Day, probably go on vacation and have fun with friends or family, but this weekend I stayed inside most of the time. Obviously I got my tattoo Friday night, then I went to my bar Saturday night to show off the beautiful artwork and I was reminded once again how much like Cheers my bar has become to me. I don’t even have to worry if anybody will be there because guess what…I know someone there no matter what! And everybody DOES know my name. It. Is. Awesome. And so are the people. Maybe it isn’t always a bundle of excitement but it’s MY bar and I love it.
Yesterday I literally spent the entire day inside working on either my cross-stitch (because I am ridiculously cool and do silly crafty stuff like that) or my friends birthday gift while watching movies. Lots of movies. We started with Stardust and, if you haven’t seen this, you should. It will give you a new respect for Robert DeNero. Battleship was second since I hadn’t seen it yet, which seriously made me want to play the game because it was one of my favorites as a kid; I mean, who doesn’t like fake blowing stuff up?? Nobody I know. Actually blowing stuff up is way more fun but generally frowned upon. Then we moved on to Transformers 3- who wants to guess why?!? And then, the brilliant idea of Lord of the Rings…the extended editions. I have only sat through all the LOTR movies one time, and it was on TV. But my sister likes the movies a smidge more than I do and has all the lovely four hour versions of the movies. I still couldn’t tell you anything that happens in the movies, but I CAN tell you that Gimli is my favorite. I want him to be real.
I can’t believe I will actually be admitting all this to people because reading it makes me realize just how boring of a person I am. It also makes me realize that once I have saved up more money and have my own place there will be few of these days. Hopefully most will contain an abundance of friends and activities that leave me exhausted and ready to go back to work for the rest it will provide me.
Anyway – today, being the actual Day of Labor (or lack there of) we came to our parents house to enjoy a feast of home made pulled pork, chicken, brats, and rolls. Add some friends, and a little Shiner (because we are from Texas, people) and you have yourself an afternoon.
I know it probably seems like American’s use “holiday’s” as an excuse to eat lots of food, but it’s just what we do. Food brings us together. Food is fun to make. Food makes us happy. Plus there are always left-overs and who doesn’t love that??
Once we finished lunch and were in a food coma Shrek was put on (another movie, yay!). Now, I haven’t seen Shrek in years and I was blown away at how old the technology looked. I used to love that movie! It looked so cool! Sadly it no longer looks cool, just old. I can’t believe I am this old…my aging needs to stop, two years ago. Especially since I realized earlier today that, as I put it, “I have had Nutz for over ten years!” Imagine being next to me in the car when those words came out of my mouth…you might be confused, huh? Nutz is my stuffed animal. My dog, to be exact. I took him to college with me and when my guy friends would mess with him I would say, “Stop touching my Nutz!” I honestly never did it on purpose, I’m just possessive and always called him “My Nutz.” It became awesome and now I am glad I was so innocent as a child and didn’t realize how fun it would be in my old age.
I hope everyone’s weekend was exactly what they wanted. I can’t believe it is already September but I am excited to see what this month will bring!