Losing Control

I had been doing so well.  I hadn’t thought about HIM excessively for awhile and then Friday night he hit like a ton of bricks.  I was out with friends and I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to lock myself in a stall and just completely lose control.  Racking sobs doubled me over – I was gone, back to where I had been so many months ago, and I had no idea where it came from.  The friends I was with were people I had met because of HIM, but I had hung out with them several times, at that same bar no less, but suddenly I couldn’t stand it.  Suddenly HE was everywhere.  And since then I haven’t been able to shake him.  I’m having dreams again.  Vivid dreams, where he makes me feel worthless, and says things to imply that he never cared for me.  I wake up feeling like it all just happened.  And it hurts.  And I can’t explain it.

I just…I miss him.  And I hate that I do.  I’m stronger than this.  I have to be – with everything that I have gone through and overcome, I must be.  Yet I can’t let him go.  I don’t want to.  It’s almost as though I want to torture myself, which is unfortunately completely plausible.  I thought he was my one, and I still do.  And maybe he is, or was.  I do want to love again but every time I try to get to know someone new it just isn’t the same.  Nobody grabs my attention.  I know it has only been a few months so it isn’t as though I will find someone automatically, but even before him nobody really drew me in.  Only him.

I want to have a companion but I don’t want someone to actually like me.  I just want someone to hang out with.  Someone who won’t fall for me.  Someone who will just be there.  Maybe someone as mixed up and confused as I am.  That would be nice.  Someone who I could just hang out with and not have to explain my random bouts of depression.  Someone I can lose control around and they will understand, and not ask questions.  Questions make everything worse.  “What’s wrong?”  I don’t know.  I wish I knew, that might make things much easier – or maybe it would make it worse.  I try not to think about it but it always seems to be able to push it’s way to the front of my mind.

I know I should be able to get over it, but when I think that it only gets worse; I get down on myself for one more thing I’m bad at.  So I try to just let it play out – I figure it is something I will learn how to handle eventually.

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About izinspiredtowrite

I daydream constantly. I read everything. I fall upstairs. I trip on flat surfaces. I ask lots of questions. I believe in something great. I love. I live. I am.

Posted on September 18, 2012, in Confused, Life, Love, pain and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. I am going to be the devil’s advocate here and say do you really want someone back who hurt you like this–could you ever trust him again–and would you not remember this forever–I have been in your spot and looking back am glad I did not get back together with the person because I would not be able to forget what he did
    Hope this provides a little perspective and is not annoying–I think you are wise to want to find someone just to hang with for awhile–

    • I suppose I feel that since I have hurt myself more than anybody will ever be able to that I kind of gave him license to hurt me as well. If I’m hurting myself why shouldn’t other people be allowed to? It was wrong of me to be in such a depression and expect him to just be able to handle it – I know it is difficult and couldn’t have been easy for him. So I feel like it is kind of my fault in the first place. I also know that this is the wrong way to look at it – but that is what is battling in my head right now.

  2. Like I said, it gets worse before gets better. Next thing you’ll fell is a near acceptance that he is no longer a part of you. You are doing great, you are handling this better than I did. The sudden break down and the missing him are a reaction of a very small part of you that doesn’t want to let him go. The bad dreams and the hurt feeling are the real you reminding yourself of what he did and what he is – this means the small part of you is losing the strugle. Pretty soon you’ll have the clearity to completely forget about him. Just hang in there. Enjoy the job you love and spend some time with that special girl friend that you find annoying at times for always cheering you up. You’ll make it through, I belive in you.

    • I will never completely forget my first love. Every move I make is filled with memories of him. I don’t necessarily want to completely get rid of him, I just want to be able to not get sad when I think of him. I just need to work on convincing myself that there is someone out there that will compare to him, possibly surpass him. But for now I will console myself with thoughts of working on making myself better, and doing everything for myself and not worrying about men. That will come in it’s own time, but I am here now and I should be all I care about…even if it means that every once in awhile I have to break down and cry from memories. I think it’s okay, especially because I know that at this point I can probably handle damn near anything. Bring it.

      • The way you are going you’ll heal fast. I didn’t mean to erase him from your mind… that is impossible especially with first love. What I meant is that you’ll eventually forget those feelings and move on. I still think of the girls who shreded my heart from time to time. Then I recall what she did and move on. I don’t even think of negative things about her no matter how horrible person she turned out to be in the end. I don’t waste my time on her anymore, I just get positive and try to improve myself. Glad to see you are doing the same. Be strong and dorky 😉

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