I had been doing so well. I hadn’t thought about HIM excessively for awhile and then Friday night he hit like a ton of bricks. I was out with friends and I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to lock myself in a stall and just completely lose control. Racking sobs doubled me over – I was gone, back to where I had been so many months ago, and I had no idea where it came from. The friends I was with were people I had met because of HIM, but I had hung out with them several times, at that same bar no less, but suddenly I couldn’t stand it. Suddenly HE was everywhere. And since then I haven’t been able to shake him. I’m having dreams again. Vivid dreams, where he makes me feel worthless, and says things to imply that he never cared for me. I wake up feeling like it all just happened. And it hurts. And I can’t explain it.
I just…I miss him. And I hate that I do. I’m stronger than this. I have to be – with everything that I have gone through and overcome, I must be. Yet I can’t let him go. I don’t want to. It’s almost as though I want to torture myself, which is unfortunately completely plausible. I thought he was my one, and I still do. And maybe he is, or was. I do want to love again but every time I try to get to know someone new it just isn’t the same. Nobody grabs my attention. I know it has only been a few months so it isn’t as though I will find someone automatically, but even before him nobody really drew me in. Only him.
I want to have a companion but I don’t want someone to actually like me. I just want someone to hang out with. Someone who won’t fall for me. Someone who will just be there. Maybe someone as mixed up and confused as I am. That would be nice. Someone who I could just hang out with and not have to explain my random bouts of depression. Someone I can lose control around and they will understand, and not ask questions. Questions make everything worse. “What’s wrong?” I don’t know. I wish I knew, that might make things much easier – or maybe it would make it worse. I try not to think about it but it always seems to be able to push it’s way to the front of my mind.
I know I should be able to get over it, but when I think that it only gets worse; I get down on myself for one more thing I’m bad at. So I try to just let it play out – I figure it is something I will learn how to handle eventually.