Monthly Archives: October 2012

R.I.P. Amanda Todd

I don’t know if you have heard about Amanda Todd but I had to share her story.  What happened to her makes me sick.  Knowing that kinds and teenagers can be that cruel makes me lose a little bit of hope for the world.

Here is a summary of her story from her memorial page on Facebook:

The story to all who still don’t know.

Amanda Todd. She went in chat rooms with her friends a few years ago to meet new people. They complimented her, then they asked her to flash, so she did. About a year later somebody messaged her telling her that if she didn’t give him a 1 on 1 show that he would send her boobs out to all of her friends, family etc. A few weeks went by, and it was christmas break, 4am the cops were knocking at the door. Her boobs were sent to everyone. She was depressed, and her anxiety was off the charts. She lost every friend. So she moved, different school, new beginning. Not too long after, he found her and sent her boobs out again. She got into drugs, and alcohol. Started self harm. She became so depressed, she didn’t go out. So she moved in with her mom in a completely new place. She stared to talk to an old guy friend that was now leading her on, saying he liked her. He had a girlfriend. He invited her over. She went, they hooked up. She later got a text saying leave your school now. She ignored it. Everyone surrounded her. Two girls came up to her telling her to look around, and nobody likes her. A boy screamed out “Just hit her already”. They threw her to the ground and hit her several times. She ran to a ditch and her dad found her later. When she went home she chugged beach, attempting suicide. She was rushed to the hospital, and they flushed her system. She gets home and sees posts all over facebook telling her to drink bleach again, saying nobody likes her, and telling her to die. She cried every night. Everyone hated her because of on mistake. One little mistake. She started cutting again. She attempted suicide and failed.

On October 10th, 2012, Amanda Todd killed herself because of bullys. One mistake she made, made her life hell. She hung herself after attempting suicide multiple times. Share this, people need to know her story.  Rest In Paradise, Amanda. We love you. ♥

I was never bullied this badly but I was bullied some and I remember how much that hurt and how difficult it was to get over.  Some kids are still terrorizing her memory by saying that they are glad she is dead, tagging pictures of bleach as her, saying that people who cut should just go ahead and cut a little deeper and kill themselves because if they let words get to them then they are stupid because words don’t hurt.

But if you have never been in that place emotionally how would you know?  How do you know what goes on in their heads?  And it is clear that they have no compassion – how did they get like that?  Is it their parents?  Their friends?  Society?  How do children like that exist?  How can anybody be that cruel?

I try to believe in the future of our world but if these are the kinds of kinds that will be around then that scares me.  I know there are good kids in the world too, and I am very thankful for that, but the ones who taunt and bully…I don’t know…I wish there was a way to make them realize how hurtful they are and how ugly they are being.  I know it isn’t the right approach but it makes me so mad that I want to make them feel the same hurt they put on others.  I want them to know what it is to feel worthless, and unwanted.  It won’t do any good – I know that.  Nothing that is said to them will make any impact.

I just have to believe that everybody will get what they deserve in the end, good and bad.  Amanda Todd may be gone from this world, but I believe there is something else, something beyond, and I really hope that place treats her better.

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The Calm in the Chaos

I haven’t written in awhile because I haven’t felt like sitting down and letting my thoughts flow because there seemed like there would either be too much to write or I would suffer writers block.  Suffer is the wrong word – maybe run into, or re-discover.  Something like that.  Every time I feel like I am going to burst with unexpressed emotion and I try to write nothing comes out.  Maybe it is because I don’t know how to express myself or maybe it is because there is so much that I just don’t know where to start.  I should probably pick up my journal when that happens and just free write – hindsight and all that.

What you’ve missed: (because, it was all your fault.  Shame on you for not stalking me publicly!)

1.  I now work in room that is approximately 8×8 and has no windows.  Add some padding to the walls and I would be fine, leave it as it is and it’s my own personal hell.  Last Friday I had three panic attacks followed by an anxiety attack all before noon.  Finally I was able to calm my nerves and remind myself that the door does actually open AND if I go into the hall I can see outside!  I still can’t breathe fresh air, but I will take what I can get.

2.  Because they have rented this office they now want me to be working there instead of at home.  But, I go in, do my work, and leave.  Sometimes Boss man pops his head inside and says hi, but mostly I am alone.  And way too amused by myself.  I said something so stupid today that I cried from laughing so hard (again, I know).  However I CAN play any music I want and don’t have to worry about anybody disliking it….but I could do that at home too so, really, why am I sentenced to this coffee colored cell all day?!?  I talked to Boss man’s right hand lady and she said she would talk to him about it.  Fingers crossed everybody!  One or two days a week in a cell is way better than five.

3.  I decided to move back to my parents instead of squatting on my sisters floor since my would-be roomie was unable to room and our new apartment plans fell through. Now I am trying to decide if I want to continue looking for apartments or possibly save up to rent a house with some acreage.  At this point living and working on a ranch sounds like a pretty fabulous idea.  I miss being outside and I love hard labor.  And trucks.  I have wanted an excuse to own a truck forever.  One day…

4.  The runway show was this Saturday and it started out very chaotic and tiring, but it ended well.  There weren’t many people there but it was fun.  And I think I modeled that bikini well – or at least I hope I did.  Whether or not I have a future in modeling is still up in the air but I would love to do it again because it really was fun, and a great workout.  You don’t know how great of a workout walking in heels is until you have to do it for five hours straight.

That, unfortunately, is all that has happened in my life recently.  At least all that is significant. Mostly life seems pretty chaotic as far as deciding what I want to do/live and whether or not I am heading in the right direction and what I can do to move forward and…on and on.  But then I hop in my car, and I start to drive.  And everything makes sense.  The world is calm.  I think more clearly.  I am in control.  I figure if there are those moments, no matter how small or how dependent on my car they are, then more will be possible in the future.  Maybe even outside of my car.

Anyway, to throw off this mundane chit chat I have decided to throw in some random tidbits about recent activities…

I entered my drug store:

Barnes & Noble needs a warning label.

I also got to go see The Swellers.  I met them in college because they came to play a show at B.B. Kings and my friend who lived a few doors down from me knew them.  I fell in love with them and hadn’t seen them since so when I saw they were coming to Dallas earlier this year I knew I would be there.  And I am SO glad I went!!  They rock pretty hard.  And of course are all adorable/hott and I want.

I kept trying to get a picture of the drummer and failing miserably. But I promise, he is adorable!

I also tried to get a good picture of Mr. Guitar Player on the left because he was just gorgeous, but again, failed.

And lastly, my car is speaking to me again.  I swear, it was stuck on this for a good two minutes.

After everything I have done for young Jorma Lysander this is the message he sends me. He is definitely male.

Hopefully I will have more insightful things to spew out later, but for now just getting anything down in writing period is a step forward.  There are a few things I would like to get off my chest, but I think I will save all that for another post.  Another post SOON.  No more of this avoiding writing, it just isn’t good for me.

Sending good and happy thoughts to the world (and you)!

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