Monthly Archives: October 2012
I haven’t written in awhile because I haven’t felt like sitting down and letting my thoughts flow because there seemed like there would either be too much to write or I would suffer writers block. Suffer is the wrong word – maybe run into, or re-discover. Something like that. Every time I feel like I am going to burst with unexpressed emotion and I try to write nothing comes out. Maybe it is because I don’t know how to express myself or maybe it is because there is so much that I just don’t know where to start. I should probably pick up my journal when that happens and just free write – hindsight and all that.
What you’ve missed: (because, it was all your fault. Shame on you for not stalking me publicly!)
1. I now work in room that is approximately 8×8 and has no windows. Add some padding to the walls and I would be fine, leave it as it is and it’s my own personal hell. Last Friday I had three panic attacks followed by an anxiety attack all before noon. Finally I was able to calm my nerves and remind myself that the door does actually open AND if I go into the hall I can see outside! I still can’t breathe fresh air, but I will take what I can get.
2. Because they have rented this office they now want me to be working there instead of at home. But, I go in, do my work, and leave. Sometimes Boss man pops his head inside and says hi, but mostly I am alone. And way too amused by myself. I said something so stupid today that I cried from laughing so hard (again, I know). However I CAN play any music I want and don’t have to worry about anybody disliking it….but I could do that at home too so, really, why am I sentenced to this coffee colored cell all day?!? I talked to Boss man’s right hand lady and she said she would talk to him about it. Fingers crossed everybody! One or two days a week in a cell is way better than five.
3. I decided to move back to my parents instead of squatting on my sisters floor since my would-be roomie was unable to room and our new apartment plans fell through. Now I am trying to decide if I want to continue looking for apartments or possibly save up to rent a house with some acreage. At this point living and working on a ranch sounds like a pretty fabulous idea. I miss being outside and I love hard labor. And trucks. I have wanted an excuse to own a truck forever. One day…
4. The runway show was this Saturday and it started out very chaotic and tiring, but it ended well. There weren’t many people there but it was fun. And I think I modeled that bikini well – or at least I hope I did. Whether or not I have a future in modeling is still up in the air but I would love to do it again because it really was fun, and a great workout. You don’t know how great of a workout walking in heels is until you have to do it for five hours straight.
That, unfortunately, is all that has happened in my life recently. At least all that is significant. Mostly life seems pretty chaotic as far as deciding what I want to do/live and whether or not I am heading in the right direction and what I can do to move forward and…on and on. But then I hop in my car, and I start to drive. And everything makes sense. The world is calm. I think more clearly. I am in control. I figure if there are those moments, no matter how small or how dependent on my car they are, then more will be possible in the future. Maybe even outside of my car.
Anyway, to throw off this mundane chit chat I have decided to throw in some random tidbits about recent activities…
I entered my drug store:
I also got to go see The Swellers. I met them in college because they came to play a show at B.B. Kings and my friend who lived a few doors down from me knew them. I fell in love with them and hadn’t seen them since so when I saw they were coming to Dallas earlier this year I knew I would be there. And I am SO glad I went!! They rock pretty hard. And of course are all adorable/hott and I want.
And lastly, my car is speaking to me again. I swear, it was stuck on this for a good two minutes.
Hopefully I will have more insightful things to spew out later, but for now just getting anything down in writing period is a step forward. There are a few things I would like to get off my chest, but I think I will save all that for another post. Another post SOON. No more of this avoiding writing, it just isn’t good for me.
Sending good and happy thoughts to the world (and you)!