Monthly Archives: November 2012

Happiness is scary

I know I have been neglecting my writing and, really, I have no excuse, but I have been focusing on other writing endeavors – yes, I am actually adding to/editing my books and scripts.  Finally!   However, I have been contemplating adding a new post for a long time now and even have several drafts sitting in line just wondering why the heck I stopped half way through them.  But the truth is that my mind tends to get lost.  I start out with this idea and by the time I get around to trying to explain it my mind is off on another adventure and I can’t get it to settle down enough to finish the first idea.  Eventually I will get back around to finishing them, but for now they will stay if draft land, keeping each other company.

Anywho – a lot has happened since last I wrote.  My dream job turned out to be less of a dream and more of a nightmare.  I won’t go into details but basically they hired me to do one thing and I ended up doing the exact thing I hate in life…admin work.  So I gave my two weeks notice and they told me to just not work for those two weeks, which meant I didn’t get those last two paychecks I was so counting on.  Bastards.  Oh well…live and learn.  Now I am doing some freelance writing for a website that doesn’t pay much but at least gives me some actual writing experience.

(This is totally random but every time I pause in my typing to reach over and take a sip of my coffee I am reminded that I keep meaning to turn on my music but instead, each time I return to my computer I begin typing.  Like right now.  I’ll get to the music eventually…I think.)

Basically I know spend my time writing, doing school work, job hunting, or being ridiculously happy around my new boy, Mr. Perfect.  Yes.  There is someone new.  Fucking finally.  Raise your hand if you were tired of me pining over HIM!  How did I meet said boy?  Schwell….this is the embarrassing part…we met on eHarmony.  Yeah…I know.  I wasn’t really looking to find anyone, I just thought that putting myself out there and possibly going on some dates and meeting new people would help me get over HIM.  I went on two dates with people from eHarmony (oddly enough they were both David’s << the only names I will reveal since they have nothing to do with my life and I will never see or hear from them again).  Even though I knew I should shy away from David’s to begin with based on past experiences, I now know that I will never date a David again.  I just don’t mesh well with them on that level.

I had “communication” with several people, and they all seemed okay, nobody really stuck out to me until Mr. Perfect decided to message me.  We messaged for over two hours and he was pretty cool.  Then we texted for two weeks in which he kept trying to get me to go out with him and I kept avoiding it.  Why?  Because I was afraid of his liking me.  I was afraid that he would like me and I would like him but I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about HIM.  Finally Mr. Perfect convinced me to talk on the phone with him, which is a huge step for me since I hate talking on the phone.  I figured I would end the conversation after about fifteen minutes.  Wrong…after two hours we finally hung up.  Then, on our date the next day, we hung out for seven hours and talked.  TALKED people.  It was amazing!  And you know what?  For the first time ever I was able to stop thinking about HIM.  It almost felt like a miracle.  Here I had been telling my possible suitors (ones that I hadn’t met on eHarmony) that I wasn’t ready to date because I wasn’t over HIM and now suddenly I meet a guy who can make me completely stop thinking about HIM.  I was impressed to say the least.  Smitten.  Happy.  Excited.  But mostly…scared shitless.

And I still am.  I may be facing happiness for the first time in a long time but when I look in that mirror I still see someone who doesn’t deserve.  It still makes me feel uncomfortable that Mr. Perfect is nice to me.  He isn’t an asshole.  He actually cares about me.  And that scares me.  I am afraid of being cared for.  If he was an asshole I would feel so much more comfortable.  If he made me feel like shit, I would feel like everything is okay.  But instead, since he makes me feel special and cared for I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells.  Like one day it will all end suddenly and it will be because of something I have done.

Sometimes I cry.  I am physically in pain from how difficult it is for me to just trust.  I get cramps all the time – really painful, double me in half cramps, simply because I’m scared.  I DON’T DESERVE THIS! I want to scream. I’m so scared that I don’t know what to do.  I try to push it to the back of my mind but when I’m not with him or when I have bad dreams they rush to the front and I have to keep myself from audibly moaning.

Fighting with yourself daily is not easy.  I almost feel like I need a chart on my wall with a “Good” column and a “Bad” column and then I can just add to the “Bad” column every time I think something negative about myself and attempt to find something good to put on the “Good” column.  I may have to call in reinforcements to help with that one though because I guarantee every time I think of something good I will hesitate to put it up there because I will tell myself I’m being conceited or something.  Leave it to me…

I am also scared because few of my friends have actually said they are happy for me.  Mostly they tell me I am going to ruin it, or I am going to run him off, or we are moving too fast.  I try to remind myself that everybody moves at their own pace.  That everything happens for a reason and if we end up together forever then we do, but if we don’t, then we don’t.  I try to just let things happen but when your friends are telling you that you will screw everything up, YOU not him, YOU, then it makes me wonder what it is that I am doing wrong.  What do they know that I don’t?  Am I really that bad?  I mean what is so wrong with me that the friends who wanted me to forget about HIM are not even happy that I have found someone so amazing that genuinely makes me happy?

All I can do is keep moving forward.  Like I said, I believe that everything happens for a reason, so who knows what this will bring.  What I DO know, is that for the first time I don’t feel like I have to sacrifice anything, or change who I am, or bend to his will.  For the first time I feel like I have actually met someone who makes sense – and that’s pretty fucking fantastic in my book.  Also, his hand fits in mine.  This is very important, people!  You know that Beatles song, “I Want To Hold Your Hand”?  Every since I heard that as  kid I thought it was exactly how I felt.  Holding hands is way more intimate (in my opinion) than anything else, and I ALWAYS want to hold his hand.


P.S. My music is still not playing.  I totally failed at that.


America vs. America

I have been considering writing this post for quite awhile now but, seeing as how tomorrow is Election Day, I feel it is now the perfect time to get this out of my system.

I know that people have differing political opinions and everyone always will but sometimes I wonder if other people realize it.  So often I see my friends post status on Facebook reprimanding other people for their political beliefs – saying that someone else is stupid or ignorant because of something they believe in or an opinion they have.  Sometimes they will go as far as saying something along the lines of, “you are what is wrong with this country.”  But, it makes me wonder…by saying that, aren’t THEY in face the ones who are acting like a person who is “what’s wrong” with America?  Aren’t we supposed to be free to have our own opinions?  Isn’t that the whole idea of our country?  And isn’t that the point of having multiple parties to vote for?

I know that there are definitely some instances where people are simply ignorant (but not in a bad way, just in the definition of the word) about political issues and don’t know all the facts, but that still doesn’t give the other people the right to say they are wrong or stupid.  Instead of reprimanding them and speaking down to them why can’t they just give the person a link to an article that explains the issue further?  Or suggest a website that will give them different information?  Why do people automatically have to look down on others?

What ever happened to tolerance?  Don’t people remember that we once united together to gain freedom?  And now all we can do is try and tear the country back apart because we can’t seem to grasp the concept of what an opinion is.  I fully understand that what YOU believe only one of the candidates is worthy, however, I was under the impression that I am allowed to believe differently.  And why is that?  Because we are all in different positions, we all have different lives, different jobs, live in different places, and have been raised differently.  So what makes you think that we should all want the same things, have the same opinions, and believe in the same things?

Yes, I think some people are off their rocker, but I don’t voice it because I know that some people probably think that I’m bat shit crazy for what I believe in so I prefer to respect other opinions.  Unfortunately, I also realize that my opinion of tolerance is just that, another opinion, so no matter what I do or say I will never be able to convince other people that when someone else doesn’t agree with you, it doesn’t show ignorance, it shows beauty.  When we take the time to seriously look at an issue from a different view it will expand our worlds and broaden our minds.  And really, what is wrong with that?

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