Monthly Archives: December 2012
Life is all around at all times. Life knows everything that goes on at every moment, and remembers every moment that has ever happened. Life does not end, it never started. It just always was. Similar to infinity. Maybe it is all circular (or infinity shaped!). I have always been fascinated with string theory and the space-time continuum so, by that theory, life may all be happening all at the same time just on different planes of time. Because, really, what IS time? We made it up. Can you imagine what life would be like if we didn’t organize it into perfectly divided sections of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years? I think we should try it some time. Try not letting “time” rule our lives. Because “time” and “life” are only made up. We try to make sense of both and the truth is that we can’t because they don’t really exist. At least (in my less than humble opinion) they don’t exist in a way humans can truly grasp. We have done what we can to understand it, but I think it is still beyond our meager understandings of existence.
Once again this is not where this was supposed to go. What I wanted to say was that we can’t predict anything. We can try to break everything down, pretend that we have everything under control; pretend that we know what we are doing, that we are living, going through time…but I think few of us are. I become so depressed thinking about this thing we call life. I get caught up in being 24 years old already and not having accomplished anything with my time here. I am a bum. I am useless. I am…nothing.
But then again we all may be, in the grand scheme of things. Or maybe my “time” hasn’t come yet. Maybe I am just stuck in neutral for the time being, idling away as something comes my way. Who knows. But what I have finally decided is that I can’t dwell on it. It may be true that my life is meaningless, but the long and short of it is that it is MY life. It is all I have. So I can accept it, or hate it.
Usually I vacillate between acceptance and hatred on a daily basis. For example, this morning I wanted find a nice freezing body of water and jump in fully clothed just to try my hand at either freezing to death or drowning. Or both. (Not really, I wouldn’t have actually done it but this tends to be how I handle things when the world feels like too much. I come up with a variety of different morbid situations I may find myself in and comfort myself with the knowledge that there are so many possibilities out there – should I ever actually decide to become one of the tragedies I write about. Though this is highly unlikely because on most days I think quite highly of myself.) Anywho, that was this morning – right now I am rather content. I wouldn’t say happy, nor would I go as far as to say positive. But I am definitely neither depressed or completely negative.
With everything that has happened this month (both this year and last) I have had a myriad of emotions just racing through my head. Actually it has been more like a heard of cattle gone rampant with a cowboy who keeps trying to get them in line, succeeding for but a moment, only to realize that it won’t last but two seconds. He gets tired and angry, the cows go crazy, the damn horse is stubborn and it all ends poorly. Mostly for me. Maybe they will all make it over the fucking mountain one day but for now they just keep running in circles at the base wondering how the hell any of them will make it over.
Currently the cowboy and the horse have made camp and the cows have taken to “sleeping” while really secretly colluding – plotting their next rampage. Poor cowboy. Doesn’t know what’s coming. The horse knows everything but he is pissed at the cowboy for making him do this year and year again so he keeps his mouth shut knowing he will revel in the misery of the cowboy when he realized that he actually has no control over his cattle. Okay…this has gone too far. What I am trying to say and failing miserably at is that I came to the realization (over the course of about a week) that, while I could be sad that I no longer get Mr. Perfect (and let’s be honest, I still have my moments), really there isn’t anything I can do about it. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I thought that I had met him for a reason and I’m sure I have – but I first thought it was because he could be someone I would be with for awhile, now I think it was for a few reasons. 1) To meet someone new who is now one of my best friends, 2) To realize that I didn’t need HIM anymore, that there was actually someone else out there that I could fall for, and 3) To have him as a friend. Mr. Perfect understands me better than anyone I have met in a really long time. For the first time possibly ever I WANTED to talk about the cattle drive in my head and it was him that I wanted to talk to. It is really nice to know that I have a person in my life that I feel I can talk to anything about.
At first when it ended I felt sorry for myself. Wondered why I was never good enough for anyone. Wondered why I was so easy to just leave. But then I realized that before I met Mr. Perfect I was still pining for HIM and I literally never thought I would ever love again. Once I met Mr. Perfect I was completely over HIM. It didn’t take me long to realize that HE wasn’t my one. That I would find someone else. But recently I have discovered that I shouldn’t feel sorry. I should be excited. If there was Mr. Perfect and he was THAT much better than HIM, imagine what is out there waiting for me now. Imagine how great that will be. So I can’t be sad and I can’t feel sorry for myself because whoever I am supposed to be with is out there, and I can’t wait to meet him. He is going to be AMAZING.
I won’t be looking for him though. I am slightly jaded at this point and there is way too much going on in my life right now for me to think about a guy. Right now I will content myself with my new friends and attempting to figure out what to do in my life. (And that will be a completely different post – this one is already way too long.)
I will end this rather rambly post with a quote from a book I have just begun reading:
“I mean…sure, sometimes you think, ‘Hey, maybe there’s something else out there.’ But there really isn’t. This is what being alive feels like, you know? The place doesn’t matter. You just live.”
May your thoughts be far less confusing than mine.
There’s always that moment when you realize something is wrong. You try in vain to ignore it but until you address it, it remains there, stabbing at you in your most vulnerable moments.
You think things are turning around. Looking up. You are making progress. And then you hit the wall at full speed. You impact in slow motion – you can see everything shifting around you. You fight and kick and scream but no one hears you. Everything falls away from you. You try to capture a moment, hold on to it, never let it go – but it is only smoke. It dissipates, dissolves, and floats off in a new direction; away from you. On to something better. And you watch it play out, helpless and hopeless. The hole inside gets bigger, hurts deeper. Soon it will scar over.
This moment, right now…every moment. Every action. Every tear shed, every laugh rung out, every bit of you. You feel it. All at once. Anger. Hate. Despair. Misery. Euphoria. Disappointment. Desire. Confusion. Hysteria. Psychosis. Love. They engulf you, spin you in a maelstrom of emotion, throwing you around in a disarray that you can’t escape. From high-highs, to low-lows. In quick succession. So fast you don’t understand what’s going on. You try to escape but it captures you on the edge and throws you back in.
You live in a cloud of smoke and cynicism with heightened misery and euphoria. No matter how much you try to protect yourself someone or something always gets through your defenses, only to add to the confusion and the pain.
But you hold your head high. You walk through life, the storm surrounding you, unseen by everyone else. You wear your poker face. Act so well that you deserve a spot on the Walk of Fame. And you keep going. You keep living. You keep telling yourself that it will get better. You remind others that whatever they are going through will get better. But inside you wonder.
You take on the pain of others. Hide it away with your insecurities, hopes, desires, and frustrations. And it claws at your insides. Eats away at you like a cancer. Self inflicted. Their pain goes away; they get better. But you hold on to it. It remains there, reminding you. You try to shake it. Fix it. Cure it. But it remains – stubborn and unyielding.
Yesterday was the third year anniversary of the big R. Throughout the day I was fine, then I went to my bar to hang out with a friend and it was okay…until the sun went down. Suddenly the sun went down on my day and I was in the dark, completely alone, in my own little world. I tried to play it off, push it to the back, pretend it wasn’t there, but eventually it pushed to the forefront. So there I was, sitting at the bar, suddenly on the verge of tears.
On the drive home I kept the tears back as much as I could but once I got home and shut the door to my room I couldn’t stop them. I know people have been through worse so I feel terrible for it, but I couldn’t help it. The memories are still slightly fresh and I have never had to be alone on that day. So I was alone and remembering everything and I felt violated all over again. And angry. And helpless. I let it consume me for a little bit but my friend helped pull me out of the darkness.
I had terrible dreams and woke up almost every hour but I made it through the night alone. And I suppose I will have to continue to face it alone if things keep going the way they do. (I told you I had no faith in myself being able to ACTUALLY make a relationship last.)
But today was okay. I was completely in my own world, that is for damn sure. Apparently co-workers attempted to talk to me and I completely ignored them right up until the end. They found this incredibly amusing, I found it rather annoying. Just leave me alone to do my work, damnit!
Anyway, kind of the whole point of this was that I have finally gotten good at protecting myself. I know how to handle things, no matter what, when they are thrown my way. I am very used to being left by men by now so that is quite easy to move on from – it sucks, I hate it, I want to cry and mope and…who knows what else, but when I get in that mode I always have a little voice in my head that reminds me how amazing I am. How I shouldn’t let a guy get me down. How it is his loss. And I remind myself of all the good things in my life. I have ridiculously amazing friends who love and care about me and I keep making more of them. I have a roof over my head. I have a family who loves me. I currently have a job. I have transportation. Every day I get to wake up and greet the new day. I have opportunities abounding with my writing and modeling. I have the ability to help other people and I get to in small ways each and every day. I’m alive – and that is fucking fantastic!
Sure, I get sad. In fact, I get sad a lot. But I put on a happy face and deal with it in my own special way. I rarely actually tell people when I am sad. Never tell anyone when I have suicidal thoughts anymore (which happens more often than I would like but I handle them.) I still have the urge to self harm almost daily but I deal with that as well – sometimes I come very close to letting it happen because I figure, “who will know?” but I can’t go through with it. Other times I know I WOULD go through with it so I take myself away from the opportunity. I could let it all overwhelm me like I used to but I am tired of that. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I have no reason to. I can only look what the future holds and all the possibilities out there. I choose to be positive, even when things are looking down. Even when I know I am facing depression smack in the face and it is just daring me to walk away. Even when I feel abandoned and alone. Even when people leave – because they always will as history consistently reminds me. Even when emotions overwhelm me; when I take on what my friends are feeling and I know I can’t help them. When I feel helpless and useless and worthless. All of that…all of that can change with the power of my own thoughts. I am the one who put the thoughts there in the first place so I can change them.
I used to miss HIM every day, thinking nobody would ever love me again and that I would never love anybody else again. And who knows, that may be true. Maybe nobody else will want me. But I like to believe that it will happen. I prefer to remember the good times, remember how happy I was and how happy I may be able to be with someone else in the future (granted they actually stick around long enough to let that happen). This is only a recent development, but it is a helpful one. If I ever see him again I’m not sure what I would do, chances are I would try to be there for him again if he wanted me because, as you know, I give people way more chances than they deserve. However, I do know one thing…I still love him. Maybe I’m not still in love with him, I’m not quite sure about that yet, but I definitely still love him and I know I always will. We were supposed to be married next year and we had named our two boys that I was convinced I would have. But now I have to look it as having a new opportunity. A new love. Possibly a new life. Hopefully something and someone who will treat me like I have been told I deserve to be treated.
Everyone deserves, you just have to keep reminding yourself of that.
At my temp job today, while I was sorting contents of mail/listening to music I heard THE song, ya’ll. THE song! This one! Right here:
I used to cry every time I heard this song because it reminded me of HIM. Even when I was still with HIM I cried. Because this song describes what our relationship was. Every. Single. Day. I loved HIM more than I can even begin to understand. I loved with such passion, and depth, and truth, and nakedness. I gave him everything. So we fought. He hit and threw and yelled and threatened. I screamed, and threatened to leave, and cried. I walked out that door more times than I can count. But I walked back in more times than that. I always came back. We were like magnets. He drew me to him. When it was him and me that was all that mattered. I would have given up everything for him. Even my family.
Nothing could keep us apart. At the end of the day we ended up together. Always. We could count on it. I could always count on him being mad at mr. He could count on me leaving. And we could count on each other being there in the end.
Nothing about us made sense. Our relationship was fucked up. We were fucked up. But together we fit. Two out of place puzzle pieces that, when placed together, somehow fit. We didn’t belong to the same puzzle, but we were from the same mold. And the really fucked up thing is that he left me. Broke up with me. Disappeared. Didn’t even look back.
And then today, when I heard it, time stood still. I stopped what I was doing. I just sat there and listened. Remembered. But I didn’t cry. I teared but, but that’s as far as it went. I literally went to a different place – I was back there with him. Loving him. But it made me glad to have met Mr. Perfect. He has shown me that I don’t have to be in pain. That someone can treat me well. I love HIM a little less each day now. I believe that there is something better out there. Believe that I deserve better. But I still wonder…what if?…
No matter how long he was gone he always came back. Every day I wonder if today will be the day he comes back. Wonder what I would do if he did. Wonder if he’s okay. If I could have done something more, something better, something to make him happy. Love isn’t always enough. I learned that much from him.
Now I have someone different…new…better. But I know that things and people this good don’t last forever, so all I can do is enjoy the time I have with Mr. Perfect before something comes between us. I would like to believe it will last, but I seem to have lost faith in myself. Alone I am okay, but as a couple I just mess everything up. If there is one thing I can count on it is that.
But the thing is, I’m kind of okay with that. I was always freaked out at the idea of marriage. Of forever. Not because I didn’t think I could do it, but because I don’t think anybody would stay with me forever. And I refuse to get a divorce. I won’t do it. I can love anyone and I would do anything for the person I love; it’s the person that I don’t really believe in. I’m not saying I don’t want it to last – it would actually be really nice to have a genuinely nice guy stick around – I’m just not holding my breath.
After some youtube surfing I came upon this song and a line in it really struck me…
“Baby, I’ll give you everything you need / But I don’t think I need you.”
Goodnight, may tomorrow be better.