Monthly Archives: January 2013

Little Rubber Band Ball

Today is my second to last day at this particular temp job and I have next to nothing to do so I decided my time would be well spend writing. It makes sense…I promise.  (Generally I am so bored I am afraid that someone will slap a SKU number on me and haul me to the local lumber yard.  If they do I hope I get put with the MDF…I would make a fucking wicked bookshelf.  I’d organize the shit out of those books!  And scare the owners.)

See, normally, I would have a ton to do but Tuesday they decided to inform me that something I had been spending hours doing every day did not in fact need to be done. Mind you, on day THREE of the job I sat with someone who showed me how to do exactly what I had been doing.  I even still have the notes written on my notepad in my desk and yet…This is week eight…at what point did they notice this? And why did they take so long to tell me? I was glad for the work because opening and sorting the mail does not take eight hours every day. Nor does looking up the loan numbers from all the bills. And somehow they are always impressed at how quickly I get it done. I open and sort my mail at home too, it ain’t rocket science!

Since I have next to nothing to do until my supervisor gets in (which isn’t until 9 and I get here at 7) I decided to spend my time very wisely. By making a rubber band ball. Every day the mail comes wrapped in rubber bands so I have been collecting them in my drawer…

For these eight weeks I have been dying to make a ball, so now is the time!

7:40 am


The larger it gets the more difficult it becomes to hide it. If anybody asks why/how I have a rubber band ball on my desk I will have to come up with something. Like…”I left them in the drawer and when I came in this morning they had formed a ball. Maybe they are like the Avengers…’Rubber Bands, Assemble!’ I dunno. Shit happens…”

Do you think they would buy it?

8:30 am


I do a little work, open a few envelopes, then tell myself that I will only wrap a few rubber bands….it is always more than a few. Can I make this my job? Cause I am having way more fun doing this.

9:20 am The finished product:


I realize that they probably all look the same size, but it did grow, I swear!  I named it Chuck, as in, “Bitch, I will chuck this at you if you suggest I start answering phones in the Customer Service Center one more time!”  Honestly, they would regret it.  I am good at customer service…on a good day.  But I know absolutely nothing about mortgages or loans and having me answer the phone would end up with a lot of transferred calls and frustration – mostly on the part of everyone else who had to take my fielded calls because I would be having fun playing with Chuck and counting down the hours until I was out of there for good.

The people there aren’t bad or anything, it just isn’t my sort of atmosphere.  I mean, I heard someone laugh today and the first thought that popped into my head was, “Goddamnit!  I am so tired of hearing people laugh!”  I was immediately reminded of Vicky (icky with a V) from Fairly Odd Parents – “I HEAR HAPPY!”  It was at that moment that I realized I was grouchy.  Call me Oscar and put me in a trash can.  I hate everyone.  Or at least I did right then. And I don’t like feeling like that because I am naturally (much to my dismay) a nice, somewhat happy, loving person.  I often try to pretend that I am tough and bitchy but that only comes out every once in awhile, like when some drunk skank keeps bumping into me at a bar and nobody she is with is doing anything stop her.  That ho almost went down…if only Mr. Perfect hadn’t stopped me.  Such an asshole.

5:00 pm

I am now at home, playing with Chuck and knocking things down on my desk when he goes rogue.  Maybe he is more of a Transformer than an Avenger, only time will tell.  BUT! I have only one more day at that white walled hell and then I get to house/pet sit for a week.  I am so incredibly excited about this, you have no idea.  Lots of writing and job hunting will be done and…I may or may not relate it all to you.  Even though I doubt you care.  I WILL MAKE YOU CARE!!!  I’m going to make you snort mac and cheese out of your nose.  And freaking like it.

In the mean time I hope your next few days are filled with moonwalking cars, black…, bomb ass mustache sitings, and liquor filled piñatas.



Freebirds, Moonwalks, Mustaches, and Alcohol. Now that’s a good weekend.

When I got home from work this afternoon I made myself a small bowl of cereal and my dad asked me, “cereal time?  Did you not eat lunch?”  I told him that I had brought some chicken but didn’t eat it…at least not all of it (I never rarely eat lunch).  What followed made me laugh a little on the inside because it is something I had been thinking about at work earlier.  He asked if I had kept it refrigerated and, when I inquired as to why he asked he said because it could cause bacteria to grow if kept warm.  Now, this isn’t exactly an abnormal conversation, in fact I’m sure many people worry about food bacteria, but this afternoon I was reminded of a snippet of conversation I overheard in the office a few weeks back so it makes this somewhat amusing.  Someone there asked at large if anyone wanted the other half of her blueberry muffin and one man’s response was, “I haven’t had my flu shot.”  (I can’t make this shit up, people.  That was his response.)  After that a conversation began among everyone about the flu and the flu shot and who has it, who had it, and who doesn’t want to get it; it was then that I tuned them out since the only time I ever get shots is when  forced by an institution – not because of my irrational fear of needles, but because I don’t believe in sickness.  I just don’t.  I think it’s all in our heads.  When I DO feel like something may be attacking me I seek out homeopathic remedies like honey, and tea!

Anyway, back on point!  For some reason, after I was reminded of this conversation I wondered if anybody else ever left food out on purpose to test the whole, “could get sick” theory.  Because I do.  A lot.  And I never get sick.  Never even get an upset tummy.  I’m not quite positive why I do this, but I think it has to do with the fact that I haven’t ever gotten severely sick before – both the flu and chicken pox were kind enough to stay out of my life, too  – and it is almost as though I want to test myself.  Maybe I still have the delusion that I’m somehow invincible.  Inside AND out!  Honestly, this just furthers my plea of psychosis.

But this is where my mind wanders when I am bored at work.  I spent all day opening mail.  Well…almost all day.  About twenty of those minutes were spent stuffing and addressing envelopes, but if my days were recorded and you rewound that part it would still look like I was opening that little stack of mail!  That would be interesting…if you watched the whole day backwards it would look like I spend my day taking papers from a stack, deftly folding them, and stuffing them into an envelope before stacking them in another nice, neat, pile…that I would then un-organize and put into lots of small, messy piles.  Backward or forward it is still a boring job that provides me more hours in Saraville than should be allowed.

Speaking of going in reverse though, yesterday the FedEx guy tried to run into my car…kind of.  As he was walking to the door to drop off a package his truck began to roll back, he dropped the package, ran, and jumped back into the truck.  I’m not quite sure how close he came to Jorma but I was not happy either way.  But then again, maybe it had nothing to do with him.  Maybe he HAD put it in park and put on the break but the truck decided to moon walk.  Because that’s what vehicles do when they are going backwards.  Mr. Perfect pointed this out to me a few weeks ago when I was confused by a truck driving backwards through a parking lot and now every time I see someone back up that is what pops into my head.  And now it will pop into your head.  Heh!

I know I said that this weekend wasn’t this eventful but I forgot to mention the part where Mr. Perfect attempted to eat an entire Super Monster burrito from Freebirds.  Have you seen these things?  They are HUGE!  It is the largest one they have (on the menu) and it involves two very ginormous tortillas and practically all the contents of the food bar rolled into one scrumptious meal.  It also happens to be the size of Mr. Perfect’s forearm.


I figured he would easily be able to finish this sucker because…well…I’ve seen him eat.  Kid can put it away!  But!  This proved just too much even for him.


He only got 2/3 of the way through it but, sadly, he finished more of his than I did of mine.  I probably should have taken a picture of mine but it was about 1/4 the size of his…and then I rubbed the food coma he was suffering from in his face by eating coffee ice cream.  I’m also fairly sure there was beer involved but I doubt he abstained from that.  I know it was only a few days ago but it already feels like forevers ago because that’s how weekday time works.  It lasts longer than weekend time, in case you were wondering.

When I hang out with Mr. Perfect our weekends seem to be filled with food, booze, coffee, Netflix, and dog parks all interspersed with randomness and stupid jokes.  We are both addicted to caffeine so post morning dog park runs are usually followed by coffee and he almost always gets super bitter coffee that he complains about while continuing to drink it.  Because that’s what you do!  You know you have done it several times, don’t even pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about.  Mostly only with caffeine or alcohol though since neither of those should go to waste.  Ever.  I don’t care how bad it is, ya drink it.  The highlight of the Starbucks run this time though was the guy at the drive through.  This guy had a mustache for reals.  We liked him before we pulled up to the window because he said “yea-yuh” when Mr. Perfect said his version of a “thank you,” but once the mustache came into play it was love.  This fucker was bomb ass.  It was like a mini-handlebar mustache but awesomer.  I wanted to be this guys friend.  I came this close to jumping through the window and paparazzi-ing his ass.  Fortunately I was in the passenger seat and that just would have been awkward.  Or amazing.  One of the two.

I have been writing for far too long now and I still have more to say, so, really, that means I should have stopped quite awhile ago.  It is only Tuesday and feels like it should be Thursday so may your week be filled with stress reducing piñata’s full of liquor and money.  <–I always come up with these endings last minute and that actually sounds like a really fantastic idea, so, who wants to help me make one of these?!?  I’m thinking dollar bills and those pocket shots.  And glitter.  Inside a unicorn.



It will all make sense one day, I’m sure. At least that’s what I’ve heard. Whatever…”words.”

Weekends go by far too quickly.  They always have and always will and there is just nothing we can do about it.  Unless of course Brain and I take over the world – we plan on fixing that problem.  Anyway, even though this weekend was basically spend lazing around doing less than nothing and scouring Netflix for horror movies, it was still amazing.  And short.  I was also able to learn some things this weekend: 1) you can close off one nostril and breath through the other without using your hands (I honestly had no idea this was possible, but now, thanks to Mr. Perfect, I do!  I kept doing it at work today.  Just.  Because. I could.), and 2) I shouldn’t be left unsupervised. Period.  Ever.  While opening a can of dog food I sliced my thumb open (quite impressively I might add!  I’m so emo!) and had to have help bandaging myself up.  Poor puppy had to wait even longer for her food….and I was banned from feeding her the rest of the day, which, in all honesty, was probably a wise decision.

Unfortunately it seemed like the weekend ended before it even began and I was back at work this morning in a less than happy mood.  I’m not positive why but all morning I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and I couldn’t keep my mind off of this particular friend I have.  My friend is amazing and wonderful and deserves the world and they aren’t getting it.  They have been through so much and all I want is for them to be happy and for the longest time I had hope that everything would work out for them but now it seems like what they want most won’t happen.  I was so positive that it would all work out but…it might not.  And it makes me more sad than I would like to admit.  I don’t like seeing my friends sad, I’m sure very few people do, but this one is hitting me hard.  Maybe it’s because it has to do with love – my friends are the best and if someone else can’t see that then it bothers me.

You know when there is someone you want and they don’t want you back and your friends tell you that it’s their loss, not yours but it doesn’t make one bit of difference to you because it still fucking hurts?  It’s kind of like that.  I want to make it better.  I want to take the pain away.  I want to kick the person that is stupid enough to let my friend go.  I’m mad at the world.  I’m so tired of this.  My friends should get what they want.  Everything should work out for them.  They deserve it.  Especially this friend.  And I am just so pissed that it doesn’t look like it will.  It isn’t fair.  I wish I could fix it or make it better somehow but I know I can’t.  And that upsets me even more.  I’m beginning to lose faith and hope.  I expect things to work out for the people I love.  When they don’t AND I can’t help it’s just…it’s not…I don’t like it.

I can handle it when things don’t work out for me because I still don’t even know what I want, romantically or otherwise.  But when someone has something so close but still just out of reach when they know that is what they want it makes me lose a little bit of my hope.  I try to be positive and keep my faith in life but sometimes it is difficult.  When things don’t work out for the people that so clearly deserve it…well…I just don’t understand it.  It doesn’t make any sense and, like I said, it isn’t fair.  Plus, if it doesn’t work out for them, does that mean it won’t work out for me either when I finally know what I want?

But I am me, so I know I will continue to believe that everything will be okay.  I’ll still pump little rays of sunshine into my friends.  I will keep on keeping on.  But I will still never understand why I can’t make everything better for my friends.  Yes, I realize that sounds ridiculously selfish, but I don’t care.  I want them to be happy.  I want there to be sunshine emanating from every orifice of their bodies.  At all times!  Damnit!  Maybe some UG for the especially special ones…

As usual, my mood has changed like Skittles (but sour Skittles, I don’t like the plain ones) so I am feeling better now and will heartily wish everyone a week just shy of dangerous but still thoroughly enjoyable and memorable.  May you avoid sharp objects and corners, and may you learn something slightly useless but incredibly intriguing.


It’s been a bad day. But don’t worry, it always gets better…IT HAS TO!!

I’m pretty messed up.  Some days I feel like I am completely falling apart and I can’t figure out how to put myself back together because I swear some of the pieces are missing.  During the week I mostly feel lost and disconnected from reality unless I am talking to either my soulmate or – more recently – Mr. Perfect (because he has become one of my closest friends – seriously, people should break up more often!) since they don’t need me to explain myself, they just get me!  Today was strange.  Really strange.  Especially after this weekend.

To give you a short and succinct recap of this weekend that will make absolutely no sense to you I shall make a list:

  1. I popped someone’s Freebirds cherry.
  2. Greasy guy throwing fire and creepy girls.
  3. Dracula.
  4. Ferd F-teenthousand.
  5. Not being allowed to fight someone.
  6. UG and a leprechaun on a bender.
  7. Dancing like a fool.
  8. Strip club and vomit (not mine, mind you).
  9. Pig.
  10. BBQ.
  11. Afghanie mating call and uncontrollable giggling.
  12. Dancing.
  13. Ass biting.
  14. Archer.
  15. Traffic Control Tower.

Things that are on reserve for another weekend: Super Blow Pop, Capes, Supermarket Fun, and the Grim Reaper and Cupid.

This might have been the best weekend ever!  Mr. Perfect and I have completely way too much fun together; even though we were hanging out with his friends, I think we were still having more fun by ourselves.  But his friends are pretty awesome too…damn him for being awesome AND having awesome friends.  It makes my life way too boring when I’m not enjoying their company.

Like today…being jolted back into reality this morning was much like being dropped into a pool of ice water.  I was discombobulated and unhappy.  After a weekend of feeling completely like myself I felt like I was suddenly transported back into time to a place of sadness and despair – a place I thought I had gotten away from.  I feel stuck in the past right now and I want to make it back to the present but I’m not sure how to get there.  I am doing everything I can to be able to move back out on my own but of course saving up money is not easy, it takes time.  But I am impatient.  And messed up.

One of the main things I really love about Mr. Perfect is that he calls me out on my shit when I am being stupid.  I generally resist and tell him he is wrong, but probably about half the time I soon realize that he is right (BUT DON’T TELL HIM THAT!!!).  Like this weekend, I was reminded once again about how much HE ruined my self esteem and self worth.  Well, I suppose HE didn’t do it, I let him – but he contributed to it.  I still feel unattractive, unworthy, useless, unlovable, and pretty much a pointless person.  I have little mantras that I use to combat those thoughts daily but when they don’t work, I feel like shit.  But I have no reason to.  I have friends, people like me, everybody is worthwhile, and I suppose I’m not that unattractive.  Unfortunately I still hold on to the belief that I can make one bad move, say or do one wrong thing, make one bad decision and everyone I love will leave me and all my friends will abandon me.  I feel like I am constantly one step away from being left or unfriended or unloved.  I just feel like everybody is better than me.  Like all girls are more interesting and beautiful than I am.  I somehow always end up in friend zone or the fuckable but not datable zone.  There is more to me though.  I’m not just a toy.  I am actually kind of cool.  Some may even say awesome.  But never awesome enough.  Or so I think from time to time….well, most times.

I just have to keep reminding myself that the best thing about me (about everyone, really) I am me.  Through and through.  I’m crazy and strange and awkward and intelligent and caring and funny and…ridiculous.  I have flaws.  Lots of them.  I’m perfectly imperfect.  I am worth something because I care.  I care deep and love true.  I am loyal and trustworthy and would drop everything for a friend.  But one thing I am not, is two people.  I get quite lonely.  I love having people around that make me feel whole and like I have a place in this world.  And when I’m not around them I feel lost and unsure and confused.  Because, for some reason, I am scared to death that when I am not around they will forget about me, or decide they are done with me.  Every time I leave I am afraid it will be the last time I will see them.  Every time I end a conversation I’m scared it will be the last.

I’m sure I will get over this because I know, deep down, it isn’t true.  But I am tired of battling it.  I am tired of having to remind myself that I am worth something.  What gives me hope is that I have been far worse than this before.  Back then I wasn’t even capable of saying I was worth something.  I wouldn’t let myself.  I know everything will be okay eventually.  On my good days (which are becoming much more frequent) I don’t constantly have to battle negative thoughts.  I even have confidence on those days.  And those are the best days!

Snow: Dallas’s version of an apocalypse

I have come to the conclusion that if some kind of catastrophic event were to happen on the same day that Dallas was experiencing a “thunder snow” we would completely miss it due to the fact that we were too preoccupied by our own impending apocalypse.  There were over 100 accidents on the road this morning before nine o’clock because of a slight accumulation of snow and some icy parts on the road.  Now I KNOW most everyone on the road has had to drive through these conditions because – contrary to popular belief – it does actually snow in Texas from time to time and we do generally have to suffer through one or two days with ice on the road.  Every.  Year.  However, every time it happens people freak the fuck out.  Quite similar to what we do when there is a preternaturally nasty thunder storm.  I am not sure why, but for some reason people don’t understand the concept of being cautious.  I slip-slid my way across a couple overpasses (at ten miles an hour, mind you) this morning but, since I was taught how to recover, I made it unscathed and never even left my lane.  It is quite simple people, slow down, brake sooner, leave space between you and the person in front of you, and if you are scared to drive, don’t.  Just…don’t.

I left the house at my normal time this morning, 6:50 but didn’t get to work until 8:50.  Two hours!  Usually it only takes 32 minutes.  Yes.  32.  I pull into the parking lot at 7:22 three out of five days a week so, without traffic it is exactly 32 minutes.  During my normal drive time I may hear the radio DJ say good morning once, possibly twice.  This morning I heard it an inordinate amount of times.  I believe they were doing it ironically.  They had to have been.  It was just too much of an atrocious morning for it to be any kind of good.

When I finally arrived at work time decided to stand still before slowly going backwards as I sat there dumbfounded at the possibility that time travel existed.  Because I am pretty sure I was doing exactly that.  I was so bored that I soon began coming up with different scenarios that would land me with a trip home.  “Falling” out of my chair and hitting my head on the desk so hard that I get knocked out and wake up so discombobulated I don’t even know who I am.  Or “slip” on my way to the bathroom and hit the floor head first.  Snap a rubber band into my eye and claim temporary blindness.  So many possibilities and no follow through.

If it weren’t for the conversations I was having with Mr. Perfect (Mr. Dysfunctional is just too long) and my best friend I may have actually gone through with one of my ill conceived plans.  I think you all probably have garnered that I don’t exactly know how to have normal conversations with my friends – they always end up way off in crazy land.  Lucky for me, the breakup between me and Mr. Perfect was the best thing to happen to our relationship, the conversations we have shoot way past crazy land into psychotic-ville.  He makes me laugh more than anybody ever has and it is a really nice break from reality.  And from normal people.  I would normally relate some of the conversations we have had but I think they are way too awesome to share with everyone.  We already have a ridiculous amount of twisted inside jokes and, since I believe that everything happens for a reason, it seems pretty obvious that we were meant to be friends.  No way someone who can keep up with me this well was NOT supposed to be in my life.

It is only Tuesday and I think I, along with the rest of the world, am ready for it to be Friday…night.  These last two days have been less that satisfying and I have good things planned for this weekend.  Friday night I will be plotting world domination with the girl who is the Brain to my Pinky (I have more dumb luck than smarts so I proudly wear the title of Pinky), Saturday I will be playing a Superhero and saving the world one good deed at a time, and Sunday I will have one of the last rehearsals before the tour starts for my next modeling gig.  Also, hopingfully, this is the last week of my first temp job so I will be able to sleep in on Monday…and get random shit done next week that I have been putting off.  Like finishing editing my soon-to-be-sickeningly-famous movie script.  Just wait…this time next year you will be able to say you used to read my blog!  Or do read my blog…I suppose I could keep it up even when I’m fabulously famous.  (I don’t actually want to be famous, just known by my fans.  My very few fans.  Who won’t cause paparazzi to ever become a part of my life.)

In completely unrelated news…
Listening to rap all day (almost) every day at work gave me this idea.  You know that Just Dance video game?  I think they should make a spoof game called Just Get Crunk and have songs like Salt Shaker, Swing, and Drop It Like It’s Hot.  I think it would be a hit.  I know I would buy it!  I dance to these songs in my chair at work anyway, why not do it in the privacy of my own home??  Seriously, someone needs to make this.  Who’s with me?!?

I’m sure there is more I can say but my brain has suddenly shut off and nothing else would make any sense to you.

So, may your night be full of pink cotton candy and your day filled with black…… (there are other words I could add between black and coffee but only one person would get it.  YOU, you know what I mean!)


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