Four Simple Steps to Finding Your True Love – Step #1

I have been proactive about dating since October when I joined eHarmony and ended up meeting Mr. Perfect.  After our blissful month of relationship heaven we entered into wicked friendship and he quickly became one of my closest friends.  I’ve said it before, and I will say it again: people should break up more often!  Anyway, after that I attempted to put myself out there even more and do as my best friend told me to do and stop being so picky.  Basically I blame this all on her.  If I hadn’t tried to broaden my horizons I would not have had four of the most interesting/worst dates of my short dating life.  Though I supposed I could thank her since I now have four very interesting stories to tell.  Whatever…I will continue to shed a negative light on it just so I can blame her.  I mean we never fight so I have to feel negatively towards her some way at some time.  Even if it is just in jest.  Keeps the relationship fresh.

Fail Date Guy #1- Feburary 13th
This wonderful piece of human engineering was an eHarmony pick that I decided to give a chance even though he only had one close up picture (quite obviously the best picture of him ever because why else would you only put one up?) and two distance photos that could have been fucking anyone!  He was 5’7″ short and lives in a tiny town outside of another small town next to a small city that sits comfortably across the way from my city.  Basically he was short, back country, and less than formally educated.  Now, I’m not a complete snob, but I don’t particularly care for a southern accent, I like tall guys, and I want my guy to know and understand the difference between “your” and “you’re.”  Which, as I have discovered, is apparently nearly as difficult to understand as theoretical physics.

I don’t remember how long we exchanged messages but it wasn’t too long before we had a date planned for that Saturday.  But then he calls me on Wednesday (yes, calls.  If you know me at all you should know that I HATE talking on the phone.  Unless of course it is with someone I know and like.) and asks if I would like to meet for dinner.  In the spirit of all men he had absolutely no idea where or when so I spent a good 30 minutes figuring this shit out for him.  Guys, if you are going to ask a girl out, please know where you want to go and have an idea of when it would like to occur.  Not once have I met a man capable of doing this on his own.

An hour later I have arrived and…wait another twenty minutes for him to show up.  I love waiting.  Especially for a date.  It’s awesome.  I was in such a good mood.  When he FINALLY arrived and I saw him for the first time the little voice in the back of my head said, “told you you shouldn’t have agreed to this.”  His eyes were too close together and his face we too round.  He kind of freaked me out.  Also, he was not 5’7″.  I am, he was not.  But, I had come this far I knew I had to go through with the dinner.  Now, this kid was great at conversing with written word, also didn’t seem to have that much of a problem with the spoken word over the phone either, but sit down in front of him and it was like the mute button was pressed.  Suddenly he had nothing to say.  I was holding up both of our ends of the conversation and he interjected lovely little quips when he felt up to it.  Lucky for me the food came out almost as soon as we finished ordering so I was able to stuff my face instead of look and talk to the Munchkin from Mutesville.

I mean, at least that’s what I thought at first, that is until I noticed that every fucking time I raised my eyes to look up he was staring at me.  Food practically untouched.  What. The. Fuck?!? Finally I asked if there was something on my face. There was not.  But he kept staring. So I started talking again…and he continued staring.  Eventually he found it prudent to explain why he was not eating or talking and instead staring at me.  Apparently! he enjoyed watching me.  Why? you ask.  Well! I observe everything around me, analyze it, and think about it.  You can tell that there is something going on in my head even though I’m not saying anything about it. According to him, at least….okay fine, it is true.  But that doesn’t mean he has to stare at me and be mute.  It was creepy.  At one point I told him I was going to stop talking. So I did. And he continued to stare at me. Luckily I was wearing a hat so I took it off, put it in front of my face and turned to watch ESPN on the TV above the bar. This continued for a good ten minutes until the check arrived, at which point I informed him of my ability to remain silent for days due to my inability to refrain from having interesting conversations with myself all from the comfort of my own insane brain.

After the check was paid I quickly put on my jacket and reached for my to go bag and, after all the awkwardness on his part and forced civility on mine, he had the audacity to ask, “Oh, so you want to go now?”  Really, Munchkin? Is that a fucking rhetorical question or does your height effect your brains ability to assess a situation? (I would like to point out that I have nothing against people shorter than me, it was merely the fact that he lied about his height – if he had been truthful it wouldn’t have that big of a deal.  But it’s like putting your skinny picture up on your profile instead of the current “more to love” picture that shows what months of serious couch potato and channel surfing activities had turned you into.) Instead of saying this I respond in kind with, “yes, I have to go home and get some writing done and take a shower and get ready for work tomorrow.”  All of this was true but it was only eight o’clock so I could have stayed out much later and still achieved all that I desired for the night, but there was no way I was putting myself through any more of this torture.  I could tell he didn’t believe me but, quite frankly, I didn’t give a rats ass.  All I wanted was to get my happy little ass out of that restaurant and back into the comfort of my car.  I also wanted an adult beverage – something I should have thought of while ordering my meal because maybe, just maybe it would have made me capable of finding amusement in the situation instead of being horrified by it.  Hindsight and all that…

I know that I should have been grateful for his desire to be chivalrous and walk me to my car since everyone chants “chivalry is dead!” these days, but in cases like this you not only want it to be dead, you also want it to be so fetid that even beetles look at you and say, “you’re joking, right?!?”  You want Hazmat workers to have to have new suits engineered that are resilient enough to come in close contact with it.  You want it to be so abominable that people will imagine radiation poisoning from nuclear war to be a humane way to go compared to the horrors that this would expose one to. And, after I finally made it to my car I had to endure one last awkward exchange that ended with my bluntness rearing it’s impatient head.

“I’m going to go now.”

End of date.

So, kids, what have we learned from this?

STEP 1: Keep to what you know you don’t want. You may not know what you do want, but you have got to know what you don’t want. That is key! I most fervently did not want someone under six feet or a country boy – both of which he was and look how well that all turned out!  The worst part of it all was that he still didn’t get the hint.  He actually texted me later and said, “I’m not sure, are we still on for Saturday?”  Poor, poor Munchkin.  I sincerely hope that he finds someone nicer and shorter than me.  Who can appreciate chivalry and a southern drawl.

Tune in next time to find out what Step 2 is and read about Fail Date Guy #2!  Oh, the intrigue!!



About izinspiredtowrite

I daydream constantly. I read everything. I fall upstairs. I trip on flat surfaces. I ask lots of questions. I believe in something great. I love. I live. I am.

Posted on March 13, 2013, in Dating, Events, Love and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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