Monthly Archives: December 2013

We’ve Been Here Before. I Recognize That Tree…

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I feel empty. And I don’t want to talk about it. Not because I think it wouldn’t help but because I’m not sure I know what is wrong and I don’t want to bug any of my friends. Any of the people I want to open up to.  I feel as though I have lost all my friends…no, scratch that, I know I have.  Once I fall down I push everyone away, distance myself, make it easy to fall apart without feeling like I will hurt anyone.  Anyone other than myself.

Once my desperate desires turned into fears of possible follow through I began to realize that I wasn’t the person I had worked so hard to become.  The person I was.  The person I am.  Somewhere along the way I let myself go.  I lost who I was again and suddenly, without knowing when or how or why, I found myself back at the bottom of the mountain I had climbed up so carefully and tediously.  And the thing is, clawing your way back to the top is much more difficult than the tumble down is.  I see where I once was.  I can even see my damn footprints in the ground but reaching even that first step seems impossible from this far away.

Fortunately for me I have done it before so I know I can do it again.  Unfortunately, it has once again become a task that seems impossible from this view.  I go through so many ups and downs through the day I am exhausted by the time I finally clock out at work thinking only of the comfort of my bed and dreaming of comfort food that I rarely crave let alone indulge in.  But right now I would like nothing more than to finish off a very large bag of Cheetos followed by a pint of strawberry ice cream not to be shown up by a bottle of white wine.

Sometimes you search for solace in a person you don’t even know; a person who needs you in that moment just as much as you need them.  A stranger who can take on all your troubles and you theirs because in the end you mean nothing more to each other than a fellow sufferer searching for any strand of a lifeline in this chaotic, unfeeling world of empty souls.  I used to be able to find those people in my times of need but this time…this time I know it won’t help.  I know exactly to whom I should be talking. To whom I need to talk, but it is more difficult than I ever imagined possible.

During my writing hiatus a lot has happened and I have wanted to share it with the world but every time I tried to sit down and write nothing came.  Sometimes I couldn’t even bring myself to sit in front of my computer because I knew my inability to put emotions and feelings into words, my inability to do what has always come so naturally to me, would lead to nothing more than a self loathing pity party that even I didn’t want to participate in.  I should know by now that once “writers block” sets in it means I have stopped connecting with myself; stopped taking time to do things I enjoy…basically stopped being myself.

So what happened?  How did I get here?  I was happy and making progress towards all my goals and trying new things and doing everything I had said I would do and then…what?  I met someone.  I met my future husband.  And things were wonderful.  At first.  After a few months I do what I always do; I stopped focusing on myself and focused solely on making him happy.  Why?  Why did I do this?  Because there is a very large part of me that believes I am not good enough and I have to make up for it somehow.  This very large part of me was a part I believed I had finally shut away for good…I believed incorrectly.

It came back with a vengeance and likes to remind me of all the hurt I have endured from other men and the nasty things they would blame me for regardless of the fact that I was not to blame.  I would like to believe that my devotion to making my man happy came from the fear of having him turn on me like the others in my past but that would be a lie.  The embarrassing truth is that I have always devoted myself to making my significant other happy while completely neglecting my own feelings.  It took me awhile to realize that my devotion was the exact thing that pushed the people I loved away and this time I was not going to let it happen.  This time was different.  This man was different.

And that, dear readers, is what finally hit me recently and knocked me out of my downward spiral.  I’m still down here, but I know what must be done.  I know that I need to talk to him.  I know that it will all be okay because, guess what?  This man loves me.  All of me.  For all the right reasons.  And I can claim that he doesn’t, I can try and convince myself that he is like the others, I can push and push and push against him, but in the end I know that I am just fooling myself.  In the end those wedding magazines are still sitting on my desk full of sticky notes marking desires and ideas.  In the end, he’s still the one.

******

So as not to completely deviate from my old ways I must end this post with a cyber smile since today is Texas’ “Icemaggeddon” and my company closed down their offices I have been having my own little version of a snow day and would like to wish you a day filled with spiked coffee, cozy blankets fully equipped with cuddle bitches, and naps where you dream of nothing but heat inducing activities with your partner…should you be so lucky to have one with you.

Sadly my man is over THERE and I am over HERE and the icy roads are screaming a resounding, “FUCK YOU!” to couples all throughout North Texas.  Thanks…we owe you.  And we ALWAYS repay our debts.

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