Category Archives: moving on
I made a video blog awhile ago that I never posted because the sound wasn’t matching up with the video and I couldn’t figure out how to fix it so I’m going to try again, with the written word. I feel like this needs to be said because most of my close friends are going through difficult times and I have dried up my emotional resources. I have been crying at work every day because nothing I do it say helps them and a little voice at the back of my head is, once again, trying to tell me that I’m not good enough, that I’m worthless, that I don’t matter. But none of those things ate true. I know that now and I refuse to let those thoughts win.
I am enough. I matter. We all are and we all do. So this is for my friends. And this is for everyone out there who may feel lost or hurt or sad. You aren’t alone. I’m here.
This whole train of thought started with the stars. Do you ever look at them? Really look at them? They connect us in a way that we can’t even imagine. They are the same stars that your grandparents looked at and the same ones your grandchildren will look at and the same ones someone on the other side if the world sees. They are the past, present, and future. And what’s even cooler is that by the time their light reaches us they are usually already dead, so its like we are looking into the past while seeing the future. And we are all a part of them. The cosmic dust that falls to earth becomes a part of us is some small way.
We are all the same in that we are different. We get to made decisions and think and feel and form our own opinions and love and even hate if we want to. We are all beautiful creatures and…we all hate each other. We do. We hate the very thing that brings us together. Just because someone has a certain political view or believes in a different religion or has more money than you or less money than you or lives on the wrong side of town or…anything. We find all these different things to dislike about each other instead of seeing how beautiful it is that we can each be completely different from each other. We are unique. Each and every one of us. We are ourselves, and we can’t be anything else. So we judge. And we find something in others that we don’t like. And we dwell. But life is beautiful and amazing, just like us. But we don’t even like ourselves; we project our dislike onto others because, well, because we’re human. We are told that we aren’t good enough, or that different is bad. But guess what? It isn’t. Different is beautiful. We all have flaws. We all fall in love with the wrong person. Few of us are content with where we are in life. There is always something lacking in our lives. And that’s okay. But I think, what isn’t okay, is to hold onto all these insecurities and “downfalls” and allow them to fester.
I used to be so depressed I went to bed every night hoping I wouldn’t wake up and not just because I didn’t like my life or myself, but also because I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that nobody else in the world seemed to either. There is death and destruction everywhere. We start wars based on beliefs someone else has. Shakespeare said, “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” And I think that is true. I won’t say that war is good, that is definitely false, but it was thinking that lead someone to think that a war was needed. Shit just is. Someone is going to believe differently from you but that isn’t a bad thing until you think it is. Now, it took me years to get to the point I finally reached a little over a month ago, but now that I’m here life is fucking fantastic. But that quote helped. Every thought I had put me where I was. I held on to every damn thing and turned it into a negative and I will be the first to admit that it was in no way healthy.
I’m not positive what it was but one day it just clicked and suddenly I understood what I needed to do, what I wanted to do, and how to get there. It may not work for you, but it may help you on the way to your own personal clarity. I finally realized and accepted that I can’t change the way people think, feel, or act, but I CAN change all those things about me. Instead of looking at everything in my life under a microscope and analyzing it I decided that everything I have ever done lead me to the point I’m at; a point that I’m not exactly happy with but at the same time could be much worse. I have a roof over my head, a job that doesn’t totally suck, friends whom I love dearly, an amazing family, and hope. I hold on to hope with every essence of my being. I truly believe that I will get exactly where I want in life simply because I want to. The truth is that nobody else will get me where I want to be, I have to rely on myself and guess what? I’m pretty frickin reliable!
Sure, life sucks sometimes, but when I get in that state of mind I just laugh it off and remember that life happens. All around us. Every day. Every moment, every memory, every experience is ours to keep. And we get to decide what we do and how we do it and what we take from it. We can take all the bad or we can take the good. Being broken up with sucks. Especially when you know they have gone back to someone else or are still in love with someone else. You tell yourself you aren’t good enough. You spend hours every day trying to figure out why that person is better than you when you KNOW they aren’t, when the person even told you that you were better! But you can’t change them. You can only change yourself. You can know that they missed out. Cry. Scream. Be angry. But don’t hate yourself. Because it isn’t you and you will never understand. You won’t understand because it doesn’t make sense. It just doesn’t. Love doesn’t come with rationale. Love is passion and stupidity and intuition. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. At some point though, you have to realize that you will be okay. You will! Your heart is broken, true. But it will heal. And that scar will be there to remind you that you hit bottom and clawed your way back to the top crying and broken and in pain and unsure. But you did it, and you can do it again. The best part? You have all those memories – the good and the bad – to remember forever. The bad you will learn from, the good you will smile from, and together they will continue to build you and mold you and create you. I always told myself that I wasn’t good enough. I always fell into that trap. But I am good enough. I’m perfect, in fact. Perfectly imperfect because I’m me and I make no excuses for it. Nor should you because you are also perfect in all your imperfections.
Every day is something new to look forward to. You get to wake up and live however the hell you want to. This morning I was down and struggling because of my inability to help out my friends; nothing I do or say seems to make them see anything in a positive light. But then I realized that all I can do is continue to be there for them, continue to shed that positive light on every damn thing, remind them that they are amazing and I am lucky to have them in my life and everybody else should feel lucky too. I can’t fix them, but I can be there for them every time they fall. And that goes for everyone out there – if you are the one hurting or if you are the one helping a friend out, always know that someone out there has been through it and someone out there wants to help. Whatever you can do is good enough. Right now I can’t do as much as I would like because, as I said earlier, I have given a little too much and neglected myself. I am grumpy and easily angered. However I have realized this and decided that this weekend I will go on a small trip (more on that in another post) just for me so I can recharge, refocus, and come back ready to face any problem that comes at me or my friends.
If you are stuck in a rut, unhappy, depressed, confused, hurt, or anything other than happy take a moment to reflect on what happened to get you where you are today. Was life shitty? Is life still shitty? Every day come up with one reason to smile. Mine is generally excessive amounts of coffee because no matter what I can rely on there being coffee somewhere. (Seriously, you have to start with the little things.) If you are mending a broken heart, start off telling yourself that you aren’t done forever, simply that now wasn’t ya’lls time. That one day you will be together again. It may or may not be true, you honestly don’t know, so why not believe that it will happen? That’s how I got over HIM. I started by believing that one day we would find each other again, and eventually rationality stepped in and I realized that HE wasn’t my one, but that meant my one was still out there and if that isn’t a happy thought then I don’t know what is!
Smile because you get to decide. Smile because you aren’t alone. Smile because you have friends. Smile because you are alive. Smile because…it confuses people. Just start with a smile. Then you can move on to turning one negative into a positive every day. I started out small and am now able to do it with everything while at the same time annoying the shit out of my friends with my unstoppable positivity! Soon I will have rainbows coming out of my ass. It’ll be beautiful!
Anyway, I will leave you with a few things to remember:
The thing about goodbyes is that it’s the beginning of a new hello.
Broken hearts mend and become stronger.
Scars are there to remind us of what we’ve been through and what we can handle.
A smile can fix your day.
Positive thoughts help not only you but the people around you.
Life is beautiful. Live it. Enjoy it. Love it. Because you only have this one, so why not make it great?
And, as usual, I have to sign off with something completely insane even though this was mostly a serious post…May your days be filled with syrup chugging contests and buckets full of water, glue, and glitter filled water balloons to throw at those particularly annoying people you may encounter. Remember to always sing in the bathroom, never let anyone see it was you who emptied the coffee pot, and keep glitter handy to throw at people – water balloon or not.
p.s. These photos came from another blogger I discovered via Facebook. You should check her out: A.D.D. Music Mamma
Yesterday was the third year anniversary of the big R. Throughout the day I was fine, then I went to my bar to hang out with a friend and it was okay…until the sun went down. Suddenly the sun went down on my day and I was in the dark, completely alone, in my own little world. I tried to play it off, push it to the back, pretend it wasn’t there, but eventually it pushed to the forefront. So there I was, sitting at the bar, suddenly on the verge of tears.
On the drive home I kept the tears back as much as I could but once I got home and shut the door to my room I couldn’t stop them. I know people have been through worse so I feel terrible for it, but I couldn’t help it. The memories are still slightly fresh and I have never had to be alone on that day. So I was alone and remembering everything and I felt violated all over again. And angry. And helpless. I let it consume me for a little bit but my friend helped pull me out of the darkness.
I had terrible dreams and woke up almost every hour but I made it through the night alone. And I suppose I will have to continue to face it alone if things keep going the way they do. (I told you I had no faith in myself being able to ACTUALLY make a relationship last.)
But today was okay. I was completely in my own world, that is for damn sure. Apparently co-workers attempted to talk to me and I completely ignored them right up until the end. They found this incredibly amusing, I found it rather annoying. Just leave me alone to do my work, damnit!
Anyway, kind of the whole point of this was that I have finally gotten good at protecting myself. I know how to handle things, no matter what, when they are thrown my way. I am very used to being left by men by now so that is quite easy to move on from – it sucks, I hate it, I want to cry and mope and…who knows what else, but when I get in that mode I always have a little voice in my head that reminds me how amazing I am. How I shouldn’t let a guy get me down. How it is his loss. And I remind myself of all the good things in my life. I have ridiculously amazing friends who love and care about me and I keep making more of them. I have a roof over my head. I have a family who loves me. I currently have a job. I have transportation. Every day I get to wake up and greet the new day. I have opportunities abounding with my writing and modeling. I have the ability to help other people and I get to in small ways each and every day. I’m alive – and that is fucking fantastic!
Sure, I get sad. In fact, I get sad a lot. But I put on a happy face and deal with it in my own special way. I rarely actually tell people when I am sad. Never tell anyone when I have suicidal thoughts anymore (which happens more often than I would like but I handle them.) I still have the urge to self harm almost daily but I deal with that as well – sometimes I come very close to letting it happen because I figure, “who will know?” but I can’t go through with it. Other times I know I WOULD go through with it so I take myself away from the opportunity. I could let it all overwhelm me like I used to but I am tired of that. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I have no reason to. I can only look what the future holds and all the possibilities out there. I choose to be positive, even when things are looking down. Even when I know I am facing depression smack in the face and it is just daring me to walk away. Even when I feel abandoned and alone. Even when people leave – because they always will as history consistently reminds me. Even when emotions overwhelm me; when I take on what my friends are feeling and I know I can’t help them. When I feel helpless and useless and worthless. All of that…all of that can change with the power of my own thoughts. I am the one who put the thoughts there in the first place so I can change them.
I used to miss HIM every day, thinking nobody would ever love me again and that I would never love anybody else again. And who knows, that may be true. Maybe nobody else will want me. But I like to believe that it will happen. I prefer to remember the good times, remember how happy I was and how happy I may be able to be with someone else in the future (granted they actually stick around long enough to let that happen). This is only a recent development, but it is a helpful one. If I ever see him again I’m not sure what I would do, chances are I would try to be there for him again if he wanted me because, as you know, I give people way more chances than they deserve. However, I do know one thing…I still love him. Maybe I’m not still in love with him, I’m not quite sure about that yet, but I definitely still love him and I know I always will. We were supposed to be married next year and we had named our two boys that I was convinced I would have. But now I have to look it as having a new opportunity. A new love. Possibly a new life. Hopefully something and someone who will treat me like I have been told I deserve to be treated.
Everyone deserves, you just have to keep reminding yourself of that.
At my temp job today, while I was sorting contents of mail/listening to music I heard THE song, ya’ll. THE song! This one! Right here:
I used to cry every time I heard this song because it reminded me of HIM. Even when I was still with HIM I cried. Because this song describes what our relationship was. Every. Single. Day. I loved HIM more than I can even begin to understand. I loved with such passion, and depth, and truth, and nakedness. I gave him everything. So we fought. He hit and threw and yelled and threatened. I screamed, and threatened to leave, and cried. I walked out that door more times than I can count. But I walked back in more times than that. I always came back. We were like magnets. He drew me to him. When it was him and me that was all that mattered. I would have given up everything for him. Even my family.
Nothing could keep us apart. At the end of the day we ended up together. Always. We could count on it. I could always count on him being mad at mr. He could count on me leaving. And we could count on each other being there in the end.
Nothing about us made sense. Our relationship was fucked up. We were fucked up. But together we fit. Two out of place puzzle pieces that, when placed together, somehow fit. We didn’t belong to the same puzzle, but we were from the same mold. And the really fucked up thing is that he left me. Broke up with me. Disappeared. Didn’t even look back.
And then today, when I heard it, time stood still. I stopped what I was doing. I just sat there and listened. Remembered. But I didn’t cry. I teared but, but that’s as far as it went. I literally went to a different place – I was back there with him. Loving him. But it made me glad to have met Mr. Perfect. He has shown me that I don’t have to be in pain. That someone can treat me well. I love HIM a little less each day now. I believe that there is something better out there. Believe that I deserve better. But I still wonder…what if?…
No matter how long he was gone he always came back. Every day I wonder if today will be the day he comes back. Wonder what I would do if he did. Wonder if he’s okay. If I could have done something more, something better, something to make him happy. Love isn’t always enough. I learned that much from him.
Now I have someone different…new…better. But I know that things and people this good don’t last forever, so all I can do is enjoy the time I have with Mr. Perfect before something comes between us. I would like to believe it will last, but I seem to have lost faith in myself. Alone I am okay, but as a couple I just mess everything up. If there is one thing I can count on it is that.
But the thing is, I’m kind of okay with that. I was always freaked out at the idea of marriage. Of forever. Not because I didn’t think I could do it, but because I don’t think anybody would stay with me forever. And I refuse to get a divorce. I won’t do it. I can love anyone and I would do anything for the person I love; it’s the person that I don’t really believe in. I’m not saying I don’t want it to last – it would actually be really nice to have a genuinely nice guy stick around – I’m just not holding my breath.
After some youtube surfing I came upon this song and a line in it really struck me…
“Baby, I’ll give you everything you need / But I don’t think I need you.”
Goodnight, may tomorrow be better.
I know I have been neglecting my writing and, really, I have no excuse, but I have been focusing on other writing endeavors – yes, I am actually adding to/editing my books and scripts. Finally! However, I have been contemplating adding a new post for a long time now and even have several drafts sitting in line just wondering why the heck I stopped half way through them. But the truth is that my mind tends to get lost. I start out with this idea and by the time I get around to trying to explain it my mind is off on another adventure and I can’t get it to settle down enough to finish the first idea. Eventually I will get back around to finishing them, but for now they will stay if draft land, keeping each other company.
Anywho – a lot has happened since last I wrote. My dream job turned out to be less of a dream and more of a nightmare. I won’t go into details but basically they hired me to do one thing and I ended up doing the exact thing I hate in life…admin work. So I gave my two weeks notice and they told me to just not work for those two weeks, which meant I didn’t get those last two paychecks I was so counting on. Bastards. Oh well…live and learn. Now I am doing some freelance writing for a website that doesn’t pay much but at least gives me some actual writing experience.
(This is totally random but every time I pause in my typing to reach over and take a sip of my coffee I am reminded that I keep meaning to turn on my music but instead, each time I return to my computer I begin typing. Like right now. I’ll get to the music eventually…I think.)
Basically I know spend my time writing, doing school work, job hunting, or being ridiculously happy around my new boy, Mr. Perfect. Yes. There is someone new. Fucking finally. Raise your hand if you were tired of me pining over HIM! How did I meet said boy? Schwell….this is the embarrassing part…we met on eHarmony. Yeah…I know. I wasn’t really looking to find anyone, I just thought that putting myself out there and possibly going on some dates and meeting new people would help me get over HIM. I went on two dates with people from eHarmony (oddly enough they were both David’s << the only names I will reveal since they have nothing to do with my life and I will never see or hear from them again). Even though I knew I should shy away from David’s to begin with based on past experiences, I now know that I will never date a David again. I just don’t mesh well with them on that level.
I had “communication” with several people, and they all seemed okay, nobody really stuck out to me until Mr. Perfect decided to message me. We messaged for over two hours and he was pretty cool. Then we texted for two weeks in which he kept trying to get me to go out with him and I kept avoiding it. Why? Because I was afraid of his liking me. I was afraid that he would like me and I would like him but I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about HIM. Finally Mr. Perfect convinced me to talk on the phone with him, which is a huge step for me since I hate talking on the phone. I figured I would end the conversation after about fifteen minutes. Wrong…after two hours we finally hung up. Then, on our date the next day, we hung out for seven hours and talked. TALKED people. It was amazing! And you know what? For the first time ever I was able to stop thinking about HIM. It almost felt like a miracle. Here I had been telling my possible suitors (ones that I hadn’t met on eHarmony) that I wasn’t ready to date because I wasn’t over HIM and now suddenly I meet a guy who can make me completely stop thinking about HIM. I was impressed to say the least. Smitten. Happy. Excited. But mostly…scared shitless.
And I still am. I may be facing happiness for the first time in a long time but when I look in that mirror I still see someone who doesn’t deserve. It still makes me feel uncomfortable that Mr. Perfect is nice to me. He isn’t an asshole. He actually cares about me. And that scares me. I am afraid of being cared for. If he was an asshole I would feel so much more comfortable. If he made me feel like shit, I would feel like everything is okay. But instead, since he makes me feel special and cared for I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells. Like one day it will all end suddenly and it will be because of something I have done.
Sometimes I cry. I am physically in pain from how difficult it is for me to just trust. I get cramps all the time – really painful, double me in half cramps, simply because I’m scared. I DON’T DESERVE THIS! I want to scream. I’m so scared that I don’t know what to do. I try to push it to the back of my mind but when I’m not with him or when I have bad dreams they rush to the front and I have to keep myself from audibly moaning.
Fighting with yourself daily is not easy. I almost feel like I need a chart on my wall with a “Good” column and a “Bad” column and then I can just add to the “Bad” column every time I think something negative about myself and attempt to find something good to put on the “Good” column. I may have to call in reinforcements to help with that one though because I guarantee every time I think of something good I will hesitate to put it up there because I will tell myself I’m being conceited or something. Leave it to me…
I am also scared because few of my friends have actually said they are happy for me. Mostly they tell me I am going to ruin it, or I am going to run him off, or we are moving too fast. I try to remind myself that everybody moves at their own pace. That everything happens for a reason and if we end up together forever then we do, but if we don’t, then we don’t. I try to just let things happen but when your friends are telling you that you will screw everything up, YOU not him, YOU, then it makes me wonder what it is that I am doing wrong. What do they know that I don’t? Am I really that bad? I mean what is so wrong with me that the friends who wanted me to forget about HIM are not even happy that I have found someone so amazing that genuinely makes me happy?
All I can do is keep moving forward. Like I said, I believe that everything happens for a reason, so who knows what this will bring. What I DO know, is that for the first time I don’t feel like I have to sacrifice anything, or change who I am, or bend to his will. For the first time I feel like I have actually met someone who makes sense – and that’s pretty fucking fantastic in my book. Also, his hand fits in mine. This is very important, people! You know that Beatles song, “I Want To Hold Your Hand”? Every since I heard that as kid I thought it was exactly how I felt. Holding hands is way more intimate (in my opinion) than anything else, and I ALWAYS want to hold his hand.
P.S. My music is still not playing. I totally failed at that.