Category Archives: work

Because life happens every day, even if you don’t want it to.

Life

I made a video blog awhile ago that I never posted because the sound wasn’t matching up with the video and I couldn’t figure out how to fix it so I’m going to try again, with the written word. I feel like this needs to be said because most of my close friends are going through difficult times and I have dried up my emotional resources. I have been crying at work every day because nothing I do it say helps them and a little voice at the back of my head is, once again, trying to tell me that I’m not good enough, that I’m worthless, that I don’t matter. But none of those things ate true. I know that now and I refuse to let those thoughts win.

be happy

I am enough. I matter. We all are and we all do. So this is for my friends. And this is for everyone out there who may feel lost or hurt or sad. You aren’t alone. I’m here.

This whole train of thought started with the stars. Do you ever look at them? Really look at them? They connect us in a way that we can’t even imagine. They are the same stars that your grandparents looked at and the same ones your grandchildren will look at and the same ones someone on the other side if the world sees. They are the past, present, and future. And what’s even cooler is that by the time their light reaches us they are usually already dead, so its like we are looking into the past while seeing the future. And we are all a part of them. The cosmic dust that falls to earth becomes a part of us is some small way.

past, present, future

We are all the same in that we are different.  We get to made decisions and think and feel and form our own opinions and love and even hate if we want to.  We are all beautiful creatures and…we all hate each other.  We do.  We hate the very thing that brings us together.  Just because someone has a certain political view or believes in a different religion or has more money than you or less money than you or lives on the wrong side of town or…anything.  We find all these different things to dislike about each other instead of seeing how beautiful it is that we can each be completely different from each other.  We are unique.  Each and every one of us.  We are ourselves, and we can’t be anything else.  So we judge.  And we find something in others that we don’t like.  And we dwell.  But life is beautiful and amazing, just like us.  But we don’t even like ourselves; we project our dislike onto others because, well, because we’re human.  We are told that we aren’t good enough, or that different is bad.  But guess what?  It isn’t.  Different is beautiful.  We all have flaws.  We all fall in love with the wrong person.  Few of us are content with where we are in life.  There is always something lacking in our lives.  And that’s okay.  But I think, what isn’t okay, is to hold onto all these insecurities and “downfalls” and allow them to fester.

let go

I used to be so depressed I went to bed every night hoping I wouldn’t wake up and not just because I didn’t like my life or myself, but also because I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that nobody else in the world seemed to either.  There is death and destruction everywhere.  We start wars based on beliefs someone else has.  Shakespeare said, “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”  And I think that is true.  I won’t say that war is good, that is definitely false, but it was thinking that lead someone to think that a war was needed.  Shit just is.  Someone is going to believe differently from you but that isn’t a bad thing until you think it is.  Now, it took me years to get to the point I finally reached a little over a month ago, but now that I’m here life is fucking fantastic.  But that quote helped.  Every thought I had put me where I was.  I held on to every damn thing and turned it into a negative and I will be the first to admit that it was in no way healthy.

be weird

I’m not positive what it was but one day it just clicked and suddenly I understood what I needed to do, what I wanted to do, and how to get there.  It may not work for you, but it may help you on the way to your own personal clarity.  I finally realized and accepted that I can’t change the way people think, feel, or act, but I CAN change all those things about me.  Instead of looking at everything in my life under a microscope and analyzing it I decided that everything I have ever done lead me to the point I’m at; a point that I’m not exactly happy with but at the same time could be much worse.  I have a roof over my head, a job that doesn’t totally suck, friends whom I love dearly, an amazing family, and hope.  I hold on to hope with every essence of my being.  I truly believe that I will get exactly where I want in life simply because I want to.  The truth is that nobody else will get me where I want to be, I have to rely on myself and guess what?  I’m pretty frickin reliable!

first step

Sure, life sucks sometimes, but when I get in that state of mind I just laugh it off and remember that life happens.  All around us.  Every day.  Every moment, every memory, every experience is ours to keep.  And we get to decide what we do and how we do it and what we take from it.  We can take all the bad or we can take the good.  Being broken up with sucks.  Especially when you know they have gone back to someone else or are still in love with someone else.  You tell yourself you aren’t good enough.  You spend hours every day trying to figure out why that person is better than you when you KNOW they aren’t, when the person even told you that you were better!  But you can’t change them.  You can only change yourself.  You can know that they missed out.  Cry.  Scream.  Be angry.  But don’t hate yourself.  Because it isn’t you and you will never understand.  You won’t understand because it doesn’t make sense.  It just doesn’t.  Love doesn’t come with rationale.  Love is passion and stupidity and intuition.  There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  At some point though, you have to realize that you will be okay.  You will!  Your heart is broken, true.  But it will heal.  And that scar will be there to remind you that you hit bottom and clawed your way back to the top crying and broken and in pain and unsure.  But you did it, and you can do it again.  The best part?  You have all those memories – the good and the bad – to remember forever.  The bad you will learn from, the good you will smile from, and together they will continue to build you and mold you and create you.  I always told myself that I wasn’t good enough.  I always fell into that trap.  But I am good enough.  I’m perfect, in fact.  Perfectly imperfect because I’m me and I make no excuses for it.  Nor should you because you are also perfect in all your imperfections.

shakespeare

Every day is something new to look forward to.  You get to wake up and live however the hell you want to.  This morning I was down and struggling because of my inability to help out my friends; nothing I do or say seems to make them see anything in a positive light.  But then I realized that all I can do is continue to be there for them, continue to shed that positive light on every damn thing, remind them that they are amazing and I am lucky to have them in my life and everybody else should feel lucky too.  I can’t fix them, but I can be there for them every time they fall.  And that goes for everyone out there – if you are the one hurting or if you are the one helping a friend out, always know that someone out there has been through it and someone out there wants to help.  Whatever you can do is good enough.  Right now I can’t do as much as I would like because, as I said earlier, I have given a little too much and neglected myself.  I am grumpy and easily angered.  However I have realized this and decided that this weekend I will go on a small trip (more on that in another post) just for me so I can recharge, refocus, and come back ready to face any problem that comes at me or my friends.

burned

If you are stuck in a rut, unhappy, depressed, confused, hurt, or anything other than happy take a moment to reflect on what happened to get you where you are today.  Was life shitty?  Is life still shitty?  Every day come up with one reason to smile.  Mine is generally excessive amounts of coffee because no matter what I can rely on there being coffee somewhere.  (Seriously, you have to start with the little things.)  If you are mending a broken heart, start off telling yourself that you aren’t done forever, simply that now wasn’t ya’lls time.  That one day you will be together again.  It may or may not be true, you honestly don’t know, so why not believe that it will happen?  That’s how I got over HIM.  I started by believing that one day we would find each other again, and eventually rationality stepped in and I realized that HE wasn’t my one, but that meant my one was still out there and if that isn’t a happy thought then I don’t know what is!

living and shit

Smile because you get to decide.  Smile because you aren’t alone.  Smile because you have friends.  Smile because you are alive.  Smile because…it confuses people.  Just start with a smile.  Then you can move on to turning one negative into a positive every day.  I started out small and am now able to do it with everything while at the same time annoying the shit out of my friends with my unstoppable positivity!  Soon I will have rainbows coming out of my ass.  It’ll be beautiful!

simple things

Anyway, I will leave you with a few things to remember:

The thing about goodbyes is that it’s the beginning of a new hello.  

Broken hearts mend and become stronger.  

Scars are there to remind us of what we’ve been through and what we can handle.

A smile can fix your day.

Positive thoughts help not only you but the people around you.

Life is beautiful.  Live it.  Enjoy it.  Love it.  Because you only have this one, so why not make it great?

And, as usual, I have to sign off with something completely insane even though this was mostly a serious post…May your days be filled with syrup chugging contests and buckets full of water, glue, and glitter filled water balloons to throw at those particularly annoying people you may encounter.  Remember to always sing in the bathroom, never let anyone see it was you who emptied the coffee pot, and keep glitter handy to throw at people – water balloon or not.

-S

p.s. These photos came from another blogger I discovered via Facebook.  You should check her out:  A.D.D. Music Mamma

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Little Rubber Band Ball

Today is my second to last day at this particular temp job and I have next to nothing to do so I decided my time would be well spend writing. It makes sense…I promise.  (Generally I am so bored I am afraid that someone will slap a SKU number on me and haul me to the local lumber yard.  If they do I hope I get put with the MDF…I would make a fucking wicked bookshelf.  I’d organize the shit out of those books!  And scare the owners.)

See, normally, I would have a ton to do but Tuesday they decided to inform me that something I had been spending hours doing every day did not in fact need to be done. Mind you, on day THREE of the job I sat with someone who showed me how to do exactly what I had been doing.  I even still have the notes written on my notepad in my desk and yet…This is week eight…at what point did they notice this? And why did they take so long to tell me? I was glad for the work because opening and sorting the mail does not take eight hours every day. Nor does looking up the loan numbers from all the bills. And somehow they are always impressed at how quickly I get it done. I open and sort my mail at home too, it ain’t rocket science!

Since I have next to nothing to do until my supervisor gets in (which isn’t until 9 and I get here at 7) I decided to spend my time very wisely. By making a rubber band ball. Every day the mail comes wrapped in rubber bands so I have been collecting them in my drawer…

For these eight weeks I have been dying to make a ball, so now is the time!

7:40 am

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The larger it gets the more difficult it becomes to hide it. If anybody asks why/how I have a rubber band ball on my desk I will have to come up with something. Like…”I left them in the drawer and when I came in this morning they had formed a ball. Maybe they are like the Avengers…’Rubber Bands, Assemble!’ I dunno. Shit happens…”

Do you think they would buy it?

8:30 am

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I do a little work, open a few envelopes, then tell myself that I will only wrap a few rubber bands….it is always more than a few. Can I make this my job? Cause I am having way more fun doing this.

9:20 am The finished product:

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I realize that they probably all look the same size, but it did grow, I swear!  I named it Chuck, as in, “Bitch, I will chuck this at you if you suggest I start answering phones in the Customer Service Center one more time!”  Honestly, they would regret it.  I am good at customer service…on a good day.  But I know absolutely nothing about mortgages or loans and having me answer the phone would end up with a lot of transferred calls and frustration – mostly on the part of everyone else who had to take my fielded calls because I would be having fun playing with Chuck and counting down the hours until I was out of there for good.

The people there aren’t bad or anything, it just isn’t my sort of atmosphere.  I mean, I heard someone laugh today and the first thought that popped into my head was, “Goddamnit!  I am so tired of hearing people laugh!”  I was immediately reminded of Vicky (icky with a V) from Fairly Odd Parents – “I HEAR HAPPY!”  It was at that moment that I realized I was grouchy.  Call me Oscar and put me in a trash can.  I hate everyone.  Or at least I did right then. And I don’t like feeling like that because I am naturally (much to my dismay) a nice, somewhat happy, loving person.  I often try to pretend that I am tough and bitchy but that only comes out every once in awhile, like when some drunk skank keeps bumping into me at a bar and nobody she is with is doing anything stop her.  That ho almost went down…if only Mr. Perfect hadn’t stopped me.  Such an asshole.

5:00 pm

I am now at home, playing with Chuck and knocking things down on my desk when he goes rogue.  Maybe he is more of a Transformer than an Avenger, only time will tell.  BUT! I have only one more day at that white walled hell and then I get to house/pet sit for a week.  I am so incredibly excited about this, you have no idea.  Lots of writing and job hunting will be done and…I may or may not relate it all to you.  Even though I doubt you care.  I WILL MAKE YOU CARE!!!  I’m going to make you snort mac and cheese out of your nose.  And freaking like it.

In the mean time I hope your next few days are filled with moonwalking cars, black…..coffee, bomb ass mustache sitings, and liquor filled piñatas.

-S

Freebirds, Moonwalks, Mustaches, and Alcohol. Now that’s a good weekend.

When I got home from work this afternoon I made myself a small bowl of cereal and my dad asked me, “cereal time?  Did you not eat lunch?”  I told him that I had brought some chicken but didn’t eat it…at least not all of it (I never rarely eat lunch).  What followed made me laugh a little on the inside because it is something I had been thinking about at work earlier.  He asked if I had kept it refrigerated and, when I inquired as to why he asked he said because it could cause bacteria to grow if kept warm.  Now, this isn’t exactly an abnormal conversation, in fact I’m sure many people worry about food bacteria, but this afternoon I was reminded of a snippet of conversation I overheard in the office a few weeks back so it makes this somewhat amusing.  Someone there asked at large if anyone wanted the other half of her blueberry muffin and one man’s response was, “I haven’t had my flu shot.”  (I can’t make this shit up, people.  That was his response.)  After that a conversation began among everyone about the flu and the flu shot and who has it, who had it, and who doesn’t want to get it; it was then that I tuned them out since the only time I ever get shots is when  forced by an institution – not because of my irrational fear of needles, but because I don’t believe in sickness.  I just don’t.  I think it’s all in our heads.  When I DO feel like something may be attacking me I seek out homeopathic remedies like honey, and tea!

Anyway, back on point!  For some reason, after I was reminded of this conversation I wondered if anybody else ever left food out on purpose to test the whole, “could get sick” theory.  Because I do.  A lot.  And I never get sick.  Never even get an upset tummy.  I’m not quite positive why I do this, but I think it has to do with the fact that I haven’t ever gotten severely sick before – both the flu and chicken pox were kind enough to stay out of my life, too  – and it is almost as though I want to test myself.  Maybe I still have the delusion that I’m somehow invincible.  Inside AND out!  Honestly, this just furthers my plea of psychosis.

But this is where my mind wanders when I am bored at work.  I spent all day opening mail.  Well…almost all day.  About twenty of those minutes were spent stuffing and addressing envelopes, but if my days were recorded and you rewound that part it would still look like I was opening that little stack of mail!  That would be interesting…if you watched the whole day backwards it would look like I spend my day taking papers from a stack, deftly folding them, and stuffing them into an envelope before stacking them in another nice, neat, pile…that I would then un-organize and put into lots of small, messy piles.  Backward or forward it is still a boring job that provides me more hours in Saraville than should be allowed.

Speaking of going in reverse though, yesterday the FedEx guy tried to run into my car…kind of.  As he was walking to the door to drop off a package his truck began to roll back, he dropped the package, ran, and jumped back into the truck.  I’m not quite sure how close he came to Jorma but I was not happy either way.  But then again, maybe it had nothing to do with him.  Maybe he HAD put it in park and put on the break but the truck decided to moon walk.  Because that’s what vehicles do when they are going backwards.  Mr. Perfect pointed this out to me a few weeks ago when I was confused by a truck driving backwards through a parking lot and now every time I see someone back up that is what pops into my head.  And now it will pop into your head.  Heh!

I know I said that this weekend wasn’t this eventful but I forgot to mention the part where Mr. Perfect attempted to eat an entire Super Monster burrito from Freebirds.  Have you seen these things?  They are HUGE!  It is the largest one they have (on the menu) and it involves two very ginormous tortillas and practically all the contents of the food bar rolled into one scrumptious meal.  It also happens to be the size of Mr. Perfect’s forearm.

IMAG1071

I figured he would easily be able to finish this sucker because…well…I’ve seen him eat.  Kid can put it away!  But!  This proved just too much even for him.

IMAG1072

He only got 2/3 of the way through it but, sadly, he finished more of his than I did of mine.  I probably should have taken a picture of mine but it was about 1/4 the size of his…and then I rubbed the food coma he was suffering from in his face by eating coffee ice cream.  I’m also fairly sure there was beer involved but I doubt he abstained from that.  I know it was only a few days ago but it already feels like forevers ago because that’s how weekday time works.  It lasts longer than weekend time, in case you were wondering.

When I hang out with Mr. Perfect our weekends seem to be filled with food, booze, coffee, Netflix, and dog parks all interspersed with randomness and stupid jokes.  We are both addicted to caffeine so post morning dog park runs are usually followed by coffee and he almost always gets super bitter coffee that he complains about while continuing to drink it.  Because that’s what you do!  You know you have done it several times, don’t even pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about.  Mostly only with caffeine or alcohol though since neither of those should go to waste.  Ever.  I don’t care how bad it is, ya drink it.  The highlight of the Starbucks run this time though was the guy at the drive through.  This guy had a mustache for reals.  We liked him before we pulled up to the window because he said “yea-yuh” when Mr. Perfect said his version of a “thank you,” but once the mustache came into play it was love.  This fucker was bomb ass.  It was like a mini-handlebar mustache but awesomer.  I wanted to be this guys friend.  I came this close to jumping through the window and paparazzi-ing his ass.  Fortunately I was in the passenger seat and that just would have been awkward.  Or amazing.  One of the two.

I have been writing for far too long now and I still have more to say, so, really, that means I should have stopped quite awhile ago.  It is only Tuesday and feels like it should be Thursday so may your week be filled with stress reducing piñata’s full of liquor and money.  <–I always come up with these endings last minute and that actually sounds like a really fantastic idea, so, who wants to help me make one of these?!?  I’m thinking dollar bills and those pocket shots.  And glitter.  Inside a unicorn.

WHO’S WITH ME??!?!

-S

I shouldn’t be allowed in public. Or to think. Especially not both at the same time.

You know those conversations you have with people that get you?  The ones that are so good you don’t want to end it but you get to a point where you know it will only go down hill from there and you have to cut it off at the high point.  It just…it gets so good!  You know?  It…oh…  Oh God!  Yes.  This is amazing!!!  Oooooh!  CONVOGASM!!!  So you end it quickly cause nothing much happens after climax and it’s best not to make it awkward.

Well, I had one of these conversations last night with Mr. Perfect who, I now realize is just as dysfunctional as I am so it’s time to give him a new name:  Mr. Perfectly Dysfunctional.  Or maybe just Mr. Dysfunctional.  Yeah.  That works.  This is why we are friends.  Somehow he gets me and even when I’m annoying he puts up with me.  Yesterday he was being negative, which I hate (and don’t worry, no need to point out my hypocrisy because I am all too well aware!  I’M WORKING ON IT!) so I informed him of his impending doom:  “I’m going to stuff you full of glitter and rays of positivity until you explode like a fucking pinata being attacked by a five year old.”

He laughed.  And called me a jerk.  Much like me, he doesn’t want people to cheer him up.  We like to fester.  Especially me because my anger rarely lasts long and I can’t hold a grudge to save my life.  It’s not fair.  I would like to be mad every once in awhile.  But, no, people always make it go away.  Fleeting, that’s what my anger is.

*coughcough* Anyway, after informing him of his doom this thought popped into my head, which I, of course, shared with him since it would be rude to keep my genius to myself:

If I was a unicorn I would shit glitter.  And then throw it at people I don’t like.  It would be like monkeys throwing their poo except better because people would enjoy it.  And I would laugh.  Play with that shit motherfucker!  You have no idea where it came from…

Obviously I’m a disturbed unicorn.

The great thing about all of this is that he didn’t just laugh at me, he went with it.  Nobody can do that like my soulmate but he is a close second (for now).  Eventually the conversation devolved into this:

Mr. D: Make me a sandwich

Me:  On it.  Delivery time is…bout an hour and a half.

Mr. D:  Fail.  Make a teleporter first so I don’t have to wait

Me:  I’ve been working on teleportation for years.  The closest I’ve gotten is a cape.  That’s how far behind I am.

Mr. D:  Cape is definitely a start.

Me: I’m going to teleport myself to dreamland now.  Where unicorns shit glitter and people explode like pinatas.  And just for shits and giggles there will be a giant squid.  Reading eight different books.  At the same time.  I really hope I dream this…

I had already stayed up later than I intended because, after the catastrophic game that was supposed to be football, I stayed up to read…Let my mind simmer down….Be one with my bed.  Unfortunately when I finally did lay down to sleep I was awake.  That kind of awake where so many thoughts are bouncing around in your head you are afraid they will start spilling out of your orifices.  Suddenly I was thinking about unicorns again and before I knew what I was doing I told myself, “unicorns shit glitter and piss green tea.  Why green tea?  Because it’s THE SHIT!!”  Immediately I broke into a paroxysm of laughter that literally left me in tears.  Because, yeah, just said that.  What a fantastic use of a pseudo adjective that is a poor excuse for a word in the first place.  My shit patois is getting out of hand.  As is my fuck patois.  I promise I have a good vocabulary.  I DO! Don’t look at me like that!  I just…don’t use it in my vernacular.

Needless to say, I did NOT dream about unicorns, exploding people, or a giant squid…although there was a large swing in the living room.  And an aquarium.  Don’t really remember much else except that I got next to no sleep, woke up almost every hour, and must have awoken from some kind of bad dream at four because I was wide awake, panting, and covered in sweat.  So, naturally, I surfed Facebook.  Honestly, I have a problem.

I believe my lack of sleep might have lead to my being completely A.D.D. at work today and therefore having a normal conversation with my soulmate.  Normal for us, I mean.  This conversation I will relate to you later because 1) it is too long to add to this already lengthy post and 2) we shouldn’t be kept a secret.  Together we will take over the world.  And make it a better place.  But this conversation left me in stitches.  I was huddled over and shaking; from behind it might have looked like I was crying, which, technically I was, but only because I was laughing so hard.  Of course the lack of sleep probably also added to my inability to stay serious.  My mind kept wandering to the previous night’s conversation, the thoughts I had before falling asleep, and various other amusing memories.  One in particular that almost left me unable to stay silent was thinking about dislocating a hand and various other body parts – a conversation I had this weekend.  For some reason I still find this incredibly hilarious.  Add together running off no sleep, lack of concentration, insufficient amounts of caffeine, and no food and you get a Sara that can’t hold her head up and is crying/snort laughing at her desk that is less than private.  The only good part about all this was that the lady who works at the desk next to me had already left and if others heard me they were nice enough not to say anything.  Let’s just add that to the list of reasons my co-workers should think I’m crazy, shall we?

May unicorns shit on your day and piss in your cup.  It’s a positive thing.

-S

Barbie’s, Beer, and Best Friends

This morning I woke up to my alarm clock interrupting a dream about work.  I must admit, if I am going to be woken up it might as well be one that takes me away from work…because work should stay at work and remain completely absent from my dream land. Nightmares are one thing, I can handle that, but work??  That’s just not right.  Very similar to keeping coffee away from me in the morning.  If I walk into work and someone says, “good morning” to me and I’m not on my second cup that good better be rescinded very quickly.  Fortunately for them very few people actually say anything to me in the morning and it is usually just, “morning.”  Smart people.

On my way to work, I decided to take a new route and zipped my way through Addison Circle (YIELD signs are simply precautionary.  They’ll slow down once they see you!) passing a convenience store with a sign outside that said “BEER AND WINE TO GO.”  My first question is why did they feel the need to put the sign on the sidewalk literally two feet from the neon sign that proclaimed the exact same thing in much larger letters and in a much more obnoxiously glaring way.  Second, I know we have all seen those signs but why do they need the TO GO part?  We all know we can’t consume the product on the premises (they have signs saying it’s illegal or something. Jerks.) so of course it is TO GO.  Or do they mean you can drive up?  Because you can’t.  I’ve tried.  Nobody comes out to your car to serve you.  False advertising in my opinion!  Okay, maybe I was only stopped to let someone out and wait for them to purchase what they needed – so not the point!

Unfortunately I arrived at work much faster than I wanted so I took some extra me time in my car and decided to look at my eHarmony matches.  (If you would like to know more about my foray into eHarmony you can read it from beginning to end – my romances are short lived.)  I said I wouldn’t go looking for anybody anymore but since I have already paid for six months of the damn thing I figure I might as well.  The beauty of online dating is that you don’t have to meet them.  If you get to that point and you just don’t feel up to it is quite simple to say no.  If they ask for your number it is much simpler to type “no” than it is to say it to someone’s face.  Not that I have never done it, but I always feel bad afterward. So, last night I decided to get back into it after my one failed attempt – it being a new year and all – and responded to people that had been bugging me that I never had the heart to look at because I was still…hoping…I guess.  But now it is time to face facts and see if anybody else can strike my fancy as much.  Very highly unlikely though cause Mr. Perfect has best friend potential ya’ll.  We are way too alike.  It’s actually kind of nice.  Back to my point…on eHarmony the first step is sending your match five questions (answer choices provided) and hope that they will answer back.  I had never gotten this question before so when I read it I was slightly confuzzled.  It had to do with soulmates and whether or not I believed in them (let’s just set aside the fact that I’m a Ginger and do not in fact have a soul).  The answers ranged from, basically, “Yes, there is one person for everyone!” to “no, I don’t believe in that sissy shit.”  I wanted to answer honestly but thought they might take it the wrong way.

If you have followed my blog even slightly you will probably already know that I HAVE a soulmate. (Examples of how much I love her can be found with Vampire Worms and when amazing things happen) My best friend is my soulmate.  End of story.  Without her I wouldn’t be whole.  She completes me.  So, yes, I believe in soulmates.  But I don’t think that your soulmate has to be the person you marry.  Nobody will ever replace her.  I talk to her practically every day (there was this span of four days when we didn’t talk at all and I thought she was avoiding me and she thought I was avoiding her and…it sucked) and when I don’t talk to her I can feel her.  I literally feel her.  When she is sad, I’m sad.  When something is wrong, I get anxious.  And the same happens to her.  This happens maybe 50% of the time because the other 50% of the time we are in the same mood.

I don’t know, maybe a person can have more than one soulmate, but for now she is it.  So how did I answer that question?  Correctly.  I said everyone has a soulmate.  I just didn’t inform them that I already found mine.  Honestly people, how can she not be my soulmate?  Who else would be able to carry on this conversation with me?:

Me:  I wonder if Barbie ever gets upset that she can’t give Ken a blow job.

N: I’d be a little more upset that I didn’t have a vagina.

Me: How the hell did Kelly get in the picture?  It’s just impossible.  She must be asexual.

N: Why do you say that?  Barbie doesn’t have a vagina either.

Me: That’s what I’m saying, no way Kelly could be born.  There was no way to make her.

N: Oh, test tube maybe?  or maybe Barbie’s are pod people.

Me: Probably pod people.  They do always smile, and I’ve never once seen them blink.  Creepers.

N: It’s like the Stepford community.  They are probably plotting world domination.  That’s why they make them so pretty, so little girls will want them so they can be in almost EVERY HOUSEHOLD. And they are just lying in wait for the signal to come to life and kill us all in our sleep.

Me: OMG!  You are right!  We should probably warn people.  Or just make it our mission in life to destroy them before they have the chance to fulfill their destiny.

N: They have been making them for years.  They have people helping them.  Maybe the government is plotting with them.  Or the government is pod people too…

N: And they are using the Barbie’s to spy on people.  That’s how they ALWAYS KNOW. OMFG!

Me:  Dude I was going to say the government was behind it too!  They ARE pod people!  Big Brother in the form of Barbie.  Nobody would suspect it.

Me:  The government started it but Barbie got too smart and took them over.  The government THINKS they are in control but really Barbie took over a loooooong time.  They’re all pod people now, they just don’t know it.

N (actually her boyfriend): By pod you mean plastic, molded, easy to melt, can’t do anything.  OH…and fun to shoot.

N: Thank you [boyfriend].

N: He doesn’t understand…He will be easily taken down by Barbie and her clones.

Me:  Yes.  He will.  You just wait [boyfriend]!

Me:  They only LOOK plastic.  Obviously they are made of something different, indestructible.

N: Well duh, it only makes sense.  They wait until you throw them away and regenerate themselves and crawl back into your house.  That’s how you always end up finding them again…

Me:  Exactly.  They can change property like in Terminator II.

N:  OMG that Disney movie that makes so much sense now!!!

Me: Lol, which one?  Toy Story or Small Soldiers?

N: Small Soldiers!!!

N:  Omg what if G.I. Joe’s are behind it too?!?!?! They are made by the same company!!!

Me:  AND THEY HAVE WEAPONS!!!!

Me:  We’re screwed.

N:  I think [boyfriend] is a pod person…

N:  OMG THAT MEANS I’M PREGNANT WITH A POD BABY!!!

N:  THAT’S WHY MY PREGNANCY HAS BEEN SO HARD!! SHE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!

Me:  Barbie is in charge (cause women are smarter) but G.I. Joe is helping with tactics.  Barbie had to make sure they had eyes in every house so they recruited Joe’s.

Me:  She is confused.  She is only half pod.  Half of her wants to and half of her doesn’t.  She is like seriously bi-polar.  BUT I TOLD YOU SHE WAS A NINJA!

N:  Omg she is a hybrid!!! She could be our savior!!

Me:  Yes!!! WE NEED HER FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND!!  I’m godmamma to the savior of the world!

N:  Woohoo!!! Her big bulbous baby head is going to [cause me much pain coming out] for the greater good of mankind!!!

Me:  I’m glad we figured this all out now.  New we can make sure we raise her with the proper morals and training.

N:  Ninja training…

Me: She must be homeschooled.  Otherwise the pod people will sense her and recruit her.

N:  Omg I wonder who all they have under their thumbs.

Me:  Oprah.  For sure.

N: Obama.

Me:  Schwarzenegger.

N: The Queen of England for sure, possibly the whole royal family…

Me:  Definitely.  But Diana was on to them so they got rid of her.  Poor Diana.

Me:  Tom Cruise.

N:  Kristen Stewart.

Me:  Bill Gates.

N:  Taylor Swift, I hate to say it but she fits the bill.

Me:  Papa John.

N:  All those evil people from high school that were eerily perfect.

Me:  Fuckers.  Should have known.

N:  That’s how they make the “popular” group…They brainwash them.

Me:  OMG! Mean Girls…The Plastics!

Me:  The movie industry is trying to give us subtle hints.  Someone in Hollywood is in their ranks but looking out for us.  They just can’t come right out and say it.

N:  Omg it makes so much sense now!!!

Me:  Not I HAVE to make movies.  How else will we get the message out?

N:  We wouldn’t!!! Subliminal messaging!!!

Oddly enough this conversation occurred the night before our savior was born.  Coincidence?  I THINK NOT!!

When all else seems hopeless, when I feel worthless, or when life looks better from the top of a building all I have to do is remember her and remember that in all this chaos and hate and shit that makes up the world I have my soulmate.  And everything is easier to take.

Here is hoping you find your soulmate!  And that yours is as amazing as mine is.  Together we could rule the world.  And one day we just might with the help of our Ninja Savior!

-S

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