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Barbie’s, Beer, and Best Friends

This morning I woke up to my alarm clock interrupting a dream about work.  I must admit, if I am going to be woken up it might as well be one that takes me away from work…because work should stay at work and remain completely absent from my dream land. Nightmares are one thing, I can handle that, but work??  That’s just not right.  Very similar to keeping coffee away from me in the morning.  If I walk into work and someone says, “good morning” to me and I’m not on my second cup that good better be rescinded very quickly.  Fortunately for them very few people actually say anything to me in the morning and it is usually just, “morning.”  Smart people.

On my way to work, I decided to take a new route and zipped my way through Addison Circle (YIELD signs are simply precautionary.  They’ll slow down once they see you!) passing a convenience store with a sign outside that said “BEER AND WINE TO GO.”  My first question is why did they feel the need to put the sign on the sidewalk literally two feet from the neon sign that proclaimed the exact same thing in much larger letters and in a much more obnoxiously glaring way.  Second, I know we have all seen those signs but why do they need the TO GO part?  We all know we can’t consume the product on the premises (they have signs saying it’s illegal or something. Jerks.) so of course it is TO GO.  Or do they mean you can drive up?  Because you can’t.  I’ve tried.  Nobody comes out to your car to serve you.  False advertising in my opinion!  Okay, maybe I was only stopped to let someone out and wait for them to purchase what they needed – so not the point!

Unfortunately I arrived at work much faster than I wanted so I took some extra me time in my car and decided to look at my eHarmony matches.  (If you would like to know more about my foray into eHarmony you can read it from beginning to end – my romances are short lived.)  I said I wouldn’t go looking for anybody anymore but since I have already paid for six months of the damn thing I figure I might as well.  The beauty of online dating is that you don’t have to meet them.  If you get to that point and you just don’t feel up to it is quite simple to say no.  If they ask for your number it is much simpler to type “no” than it is to say it to someone’s face.  Not that I have never done it, but I always feel bad afterward. So, last night I decided to get back into it after my one failed attempt – it being a new year and all – and responded to people that had been bugging me that I never had the heart to look at because I was still…hoping…I guess.  But now it is time to face facts and see if anybody else can strike my fancy as much.  Very highly unlikely though cause Mr. Perfect has best friend potential ya’ll.  We are way too alike.  It’s actually kind of nice.  Back to my point…on eHarmony the first step is sending your match five questions (answer choices provided) and hope that they will answer back.  I had never gotten this question before so when I read it I was slightly confuzzled.  It had to do with soulmates and whether or not I believed in them (let’s just set aside the fact that I’m a Ginger and do not in fact have a soul).  The answers ranged from, basically, “Yes, there is one person for everyone!” to “no, I don’t believe in that sissy shit.”  I wanted to answer honestly but thought they might take it the wrong way.

If you have followed my blog even slightly you will probably already know that I HAVE a soulmate. (Examples of how much I love her can be found with Vampire Worms and when amazing things happen) My best friend is my soulmate.  End of story.  Without her I wouldn’t be whole.  She completes me.  So, yes, I believe in soulmates.  But I don’t think that your soulmate has to be the person you marry.  Nobody will ever replace her.  I talk to her practically every day (there was this span of four days when we didn’t talk at all and I thought she was avoiding me and she thought I was avoiding her and…it sucked) and when I don’t talk to her I can feel her.  I literally feel her.  When she is sad, I’m sad.  When something is wrong, I get anxious.  And the same happens to her.  This happens maybe 50% of the time because the other 50% of the time we are in the same mood.

I don’t know, maybe a person can have more than one soulmate, but for now she is it.  So how did I answer that question?  Correctly.  I said everyone has a soulmate.  I just didn’t inform them that I already found mine.  Honestly people, how can she not be my soulmate?  Who else would be able to carry on this conversation with me?:

Me:  I wonder if Barbie ever gets upset that she can’t give Ken a blow job.

N: I’d be a little more upset that I didn’t have a vagina.

Me: How the hell did Kelly get in the picture?  It’s just impossible.  She must be asexual.

N: Why do you say that?  Barbie doesn’t have a vagina either.

Me: That’s what I’m saying, no way Kelly could be born.  There was no way to make her.

N: Oh, test tube maybe?  or maybe Barbie’s are pod people.

Me: Probably pod people.  They do always smile, and I’ve never once seen them blink.  Creepers.

N: It’s like the Stepford community.  They are probably plotting world domination.  That’s why they make them so pretty, so little girls will want them so they can be in almost EVERY HOUSEHOLD. And they are just lying in wait for the signal to come to life and kill us all in our sleep.

Me: OMG!  You are right!  We should probably warn people.  Or just make it our mission in life to destroy them before they have the chance to fulfill their destiny.

N: They have been making them for years.  They have people helping them.  Maybe the government is plotting with them.  Or the government is pod people too…

N: And they are using the Barbie’s to spy on people.  That’s how they ALWAYS KNOW. OMFG!

Me:  Dude I was going to say the government was behind it too!  They ARE pod people!  Big Brother in the form of Barbie.  Nobody would suspect it.

Me:  The government started it but Barbie got too smart and took them over.  The government THINKS they are in control but really Barbie took over a loooooong time.  They’re all pod people now, they just don’t know it.

N (actually her boyfriend): By pod you mean plastic, molded, easy to melt, can’t do anything.  OH…and fun to shoot.

N: Thank you [boyfriend].

N: He doesn’t understand…He will be easily taken down by Barbie and her clones.

Me:  Yes.  He will.  You just wait [boyfriend]!

Me:  They only LOOK plastic.  Obviously they are made of something different, indestructible.

N: Well duh, it only makes sense.  They wait until you throw them away and regenerate themselves and crawl back into your house.  That’s how you always end up finding them again…

Me:  Exactly.  They can change property like in Terminator II.

N:  OMG that Disney movie that makes so much sense now!!!

Me: Lol, which one?  Toy Story or Small Soldiers?

N: Small Soldiers!!!

N:  Omg what if G.I. Joe’s are behind it too?!?!?! They are made by the same company!!!

Me:  AND THEY HAVE WEAPONS!!!!

Me:  We’re screwed.

N:  I think [boyfriend] is a pod person…

N:  OMG THAT MEANS I’M PREGNANT WITH A POD BABY!!!

N:  THAT’S WHY MY PREGNANCY HAS BEEN SO HARD!! SHE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!

Me:  Barbie is in charge (cause women are smarter) but G.I. Joe is helping with tactics.  Barbie had to make sure they had eyes in every house so they recruited Joe’s.

Me:  She is confused.  She is only half pod.  Half of her wants to and half of her doesn’t.  She is like seriously bi-polar.  BUT I TOLD YOU SHE WAS A NINJA!

N:  Omg she is a hybrid!!! She could be our savior!!

Me:  Yes!!! WE NEED HER FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND!!  I’m godmamma to the savior of the world!

N:  Woohoo!!! Her big bulbous baby head is going to [cause me much pain coming out] for the greater good of mankind!!!

Me:  I’m glad we figured this all out now.  New we can make sure we raise her with the proper morals and training.

N:  Ninja training…

Me: She must be homeschooled.  Otherwise the pod people will sense her and recruit her.

N:  Omg I wonder who all they have under their thumbs.

Me:  Oprah.  For sure.

N: Obama.

Me:  Schwarzenegger.

N: The Queen of England for sure, possibly the whole royal family…

Me:  Definitely.  But Diana was on to them so they got rid of her.  Poor Diana.

Me:  Tom Cruise.

N:  Kristen Stewart.

Me:  Bill Gates.

N:  Taylor Swift, I hate to say it but she fits the bill.

Me:  Papa John.

N:  All those evil people from high school that were eerily perfect.

Me:  Fuckers.  Should have known.

N:  That’s how they make the “popular” group…They brainwash them.

Me:  OMG! Mean Girls…The Plastics!

Me:  The movie industry is trying to give us subtle hints.  Someone in Hollywood is in their ranks but looking out for us.  They just can’t come right out and say it.

N:  Omg it makes so much sense now!!!

Me:  Not I HAVE to make movies.  How else will we get the message out?

N:  We wouldn’t!!! Subliminal messaging!!!

Oddly enough this conversation occurred the night before our savior was born.  Coincidence?  I THINK NOT!!

When all else seems hopeless, when I feel worthless, or when life looks better from the top of a building all I have to do is remember her and remember that in all this chaos and hate and shit that makes up the world I have my soulmate.  And everything is easier to take.

Here is hoping you find your soulmate!  And that yours is as amazing as mine is.  Together we could rule the world.  And one day we just might with the help of our Ninja Savior!

-S

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Smile

Life is a roller coaster.  Emotions take you from high to low in no time flat and leave you breathless and unsure of what’s coming next.  Every day I feel lost, confused, unsure…but I keep going.  I have to believe that it will get better.  I look at the people around me, and the people who changed my life without even knowing it, and I see the good that comes to them when they are least expecting it.  And I tell myself that my time will come, I just have to keep on trying.

So if you feel this way, like the world is against you, or you are constantly going down on the roller coaster, remember that good is out there.  Waiting for you.  Put your positive energy into the world.  Help out a stranger.  Smile.  Open the door.  Say hello.  Be you.  Even if you want to cry and scream and run away.  Everything you want or need is out there, you just have to keep trying.  If you are trying to reach some goal that seems so out of reach it makes you want to quit, then take a step back, reflect on all that you have done and realize that you are trying – and that is the most important part.  Maybe, instead of focusing on yourself find someone else to help; help a friend achieve their goals.  Lend a helping hand even if you feel like you can’t.  All you have to do is make the effort.  And who knows, maybe you will notice your goals and hopes and dreams becoming reality a little bit faster if you help someone else with theirs.

Everything you put out into the world will come back to you.  It might not come right when you want it to, but it is out there, waiting for the right time to strike.  When you stop worrying, life becomes much more clear and bearable.  It isn’t easy, I know that, but it is helpful.  Recently I had been worrying about my job – I needed a new one because this paycheck just wasn’t going to cut it and sitting around all day doing nothing drives me crazy.  I was promised I would be busy, but I’m not.  I wanted to work somewhere that actually needed me, that I could actually contribute my knowledge to.  Here I just feel worthless and like my brain is turning to goop each day.  Then my best friend (yes, the one that can always make me look on the bright side even when I don’t want to…quite annoying!) sent me a sermon about giving your worries to God.  I don’t consider myself religious, I am more spiritual.  I believe in something bigger out there, which I suppose some people call Creation, but I don’t necessarily believe in one God.  I believe every religion is correct to the people who believe in it because it works for them, and I think that’s beautiful.  So, following the advice, I gave my worries away.  Instead of worrying I changed my thinking and told myself that when the time was right, I would find what I was looking for.  I reminded myself that if I rushed things I might end up taking something that I didn’t really want just to get away from what I already had.  But moving from one job I didn’t like to another wasn’t going to solve anything.

And guess what?  THE NEXT DAY! I got a call for to interview for a job that I had applied to so long ago I didn’t even remember doing it.  And ya’ll, it was THE job.  It was MY job.  I wanted it so bad I couldn’t stand it.  But, even though I had to wait to hear from them and I could have spent my time worrying that I wouldn’t get it, I kept trying to think positive, reminding myself that if I didn’t get it something better would come along.  But guess what?  Come Monday, I got interview number two and they offered me the job.  All the time I spent worrying could have been spent doing something much more constructive.  Like, I don’t know…helping someone else!

I know it is difficult but the more we let go, the more we trust, the more we have faith in life the easier it is to get by.  It is okay to get depressed, we all do, but as long as there is still an ounce of faith left in you to shine through, you will be okay.  Let someone give you a hug, let them care about you when you think you don’t deserve to be cared about.  Let life.  Because ya’ll, greatness is within you, you just gotta give it a chance.

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