Thursday was an interesting day for me because it started out über depressing and then I hit a wall and went full on crazy, which is to say I was completely myself, and decided to text my soulmate every little thing that popped into my head. I thought I should share with the world the shit this poor girl puts up with and still somehow stays my friend.
Me: I’m in such a bad mood today. I thought it was Friday on Tuesday so this week sucks. I am buying three bottles of wine tomorrow and killing them this weekend.
Me: I’m in serious I-miss-HIM mode and love songs keep playing.
Me: I KNOW!!! But I can’t help it. He is the only person I’ve loved.
Me: Oh thanks Cheap Trick. You are so funny. I Want You To Want Me just came on. Fuck you radio.
N: Calm down.
Me: I am calm. I’m just sad.
(new song comes on)
Me: The Roots be all, “fuck yo bad mood! We gon’ make you smile, boo.” Thanks Roots, I love ya’ll too.
Me: We’ve got you surrounded!
N: Lmfao you crack me up
Me: 😀 I’m so ADD when I’m moody. My negativity keeps multiplying itself into positivity. I can’t even keep up. I keep getting in line for the same roller coaster but I swear to god it’s a different ride each time.
N: We should seriously work together Bahahahahaha
Me: I KNOW!!! It would be so bad it would be good!
Me: Mmmm bubbles!
Me: If you were a train I’d ride you. Choo choo!
Me: If the walls were padded I’d be bouncing off of them. But who am I kidding? I don’t need pads!!! FREEEEEDDDOOOOOMMM!!!! I need a drink.
Me: Or Xanax. Oh! Both.
N: Jesus Sara, no more coffee for you
Me: Oooh coffee! There’s more in the breakroom! Good idea! Wait…what? Pickles!
N: I has cuppy cakes 🙂
Me: I has…not 😦
Me: Cupcake! cupcake! cupcake! Bandito! Hwhhhhaaaattt???
Me: Back to the lab again, yo!
Me: My freewriting would be epic!
Me: I think if elephants had wings they would be like chickens.
N: You are so off of it today.
Me: Whatever. I am so on. Like a flickering lightbulb!
Me: If I was in a math problem I would be an imaginary number. You just have to accept that I exist. If you don’t try and figure out why I am then I make sense!
N: What is the District of Columbia. I understand it’s our capital, but why is it District of Columbia?
Me: Gooood question. Google that shit.
Me: I think it’s its own entity.
N: I figured you would know.
Me: Never took the time to look it up…
Me: If I was a rock and someone said “rock and roll!” I’d be like, “bitch I ain’t gots too. I just am. AND I can roll. What now?” I would also be gangsta. Hood. Hood Rock. Oooo! Like Hard Rock but different.
Me: I’d “rock” a bandana. Hahahaha Omg. That needs to be an adult cartoon.
Me: It could be like Schoolhouse Rock but in a really inappropriate way.
Me: We could teach “How to Perform Proper Fellatio” and “What to do When a Cop Be Trippin.”
Me: The cops would be paper. Hahaha
Me: And the rocks would carry around scissors
Me: When Rocks go rogue. The epic showdown battle begins! “Wanna dance?!?!”
M: You poor thing. I don’t know how you put up with me.
N: Lmfao I just picked up my phone and I had 11 text messages from you.
Me: 🙂 Sowwy
N: Lol it’s ok. I laughed 😛 you’re hilarious
Me: I’m now considering writing a pilot episode and giving it to the owner of the studio I work for to see what he thinks lol
Me: The opening credit song could be “Rollin’ Dirty” instead of ridin’
Me: I’ll have to change my name to Shaquisha so people won’t know a white girl wrote it.
Me: -Dafuq’s a white girl doin in da hood?-I be straight pimpin!
-Bitch, no you ain’t! Go back to da mall.
Me: You have been subjected to the inner workings of my mind all day. You deserve a medal.
N: I freaking love you
Me: 🙂 I LOVE YOU TOO!!!
Notice how most of the time she didn’t really respond, mostly just accepted it and went on with her day? She is amazing. Like, she should be canonized for reals. Also, she should probably stop saying I’m funny, because I am going to start believing her. I asked Mr. Perfect and he shrugged and said, “you’re amusing.” Amusing is not funny. Amusing is similar to going to the zoo to watch the monkeys. Maybe I’m like a zoo monkey.
After all that madness the ADD continued and when I got home I almost jumped the curb and parked on the front lawn instead of in the street because I was distracted by some squirrels who were having way too much fun without me.
Sometimes I’m not quite sure how I have made this far in life.
I will leave you with my latest in brilliant realizations:
Life Lesson from Sara #25:
Sometimes getting the soap out of the dispenser is like giving a hand job. You just have to keep pumping until it comes out.
Just. Keep. Pumping.
This post is dedicated to my soulmate and will be quite lengthy so be warned. However, it will be worth the read; especially if you, too, have someone as special as she is in your life…maybe you can share it with them and remind them of how amazing they are.
If you follow my blog at all you have probably already read a lot about her but I’m not sure if I ever related the story from the beginning so, here goes…
I have known N for two years and two months and she was my best friend almost from day one. We both ended up at a football watching party at a mutual friends house and she was one of the first people I was introduced to. I knew nobody else there and for some reason she and I clicked. We talked most of the night, realized we had a extraordinary amount of things in common, and left as Facebook friends so we could keep in touch. And we did. Immediately. Once phone numbers were exchanged there was no going back. The world was officially doomed – we were a force to be reckoned with.
In no time she was my go to girl. Any time I had a problem or any time she had a problem we were there for each other. I had never had someone in my life like her. I could tell her anything and I did. In no time at all she knew everything about me and I trusted her completely. In our two years we have not fought once. At times we get annoyed with each other but mostly when one of us is depressed and hating on ourselves.
She was there for me through every fight I had with HIM, every time HE disappeared, every ache, every tear, every. last. thing. She was always there to remind me that it wasn’t my fault. That he would come back. That I was doing everything I could. That something wasn’t right. I needed to get out. But most importantly, she always reminded me that she loved me and would always be there for me and support any decision I made, even though at that time most of my decisions were the wrong ones. This girl has kept me alive more times than she knows. There have been times where she (unfortunately) literally talked me off the ledge. Having N in my life has kept me from doing so many bad things to myself that I have no idea where I would be without her. I don’t even know that I would still be alive today if I hadn’t met her. I suppose in some small way I have to believe in fate because she and I were meant to be.
N is a part of me. I think about her every day. I talk to her nearly every day. I feel her. When she is down and I’m not I can tell. When I am down and she isn’t she knows it. We often send each other texts asking what’s wrong out of the blue because we just know. One time I had a dream that she was awake, holding her baby, and crying. When I woke up I saw that I just got a text from her saying exactly what I had dreamed. There is a connection between us that I can’t explain but I know that she completes me. Without her I no longer make sense. She gives me a reason to smile when I feel like the only thing I can do is cry. She makes sense of the world when it is crumbling down around me. She keeps me going. She gives me hope.
Over the course of the years I have had conversations with close friends – friends that held the title of “best” for only as long as our friendship ended up lasting – about how we would be a bridesmaid at each others wedding. Or maybe one of us even made it as high up as Maid of Honor. N and me? No, we went past weddings straight to nursing homes. We are already planning out the shenanigans we will get into once we share a room in a nursing home. We never talk about our weddings, but that is probably because 1) I have no desire to get married at this point in time and if I ever DO get married it will be in Vegas, all the money will be spent on the after party, not the ceremony, and 2) N isn’t one for being the center of attention. That, and no guy will ever be good enough for her, but that’s just in my less than humble opinion!
N is the best kind of person out there and the best person I have ever met. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have her as my soulmate and to be able to count on her no matter what. She is the most selfless person I know – she gives and gives even when she has nothing left to give. She loves without limits. She cares about everyone and always lends a helping hand even if it isn’t asked of her. She always tries her hardest at everything she does and never thinks it is enough. She is always trying to better herself. She is an amazing mother, friend, sister, and daughter. She puts us all to shame.
There are often days when I wonder how it was that I got through so many years without her. When I am down or confused I don’t even have to talk to her anymore, just knowing that she is there helps. It also helps that I generally already know what she will say to cheer me up because we have played this game several times before. Depression sucks, and we both deal with it on a daily basis. We are almost the same person in two different bodies. She is my light and my love. She makes me a better person; a complete person. She is all I need. I am fairly positive that she and I will die on the same day because neither of can live without the other one. That and in all likelihood we will be doing something foolish together in our old age, like racing jet ski’s in an olympic size pool or something.
Now, I know all these great things about her but sometimes I think she forgets, so I decided to shout it from the rooftops…or as close as I can get. Because, really, putting me on a roof is just not safe since I would either be so clumsy that I would fall or I would decide I was invincible and decide to jump off so I could experience the sensation of falling. Plus nobody would hear or care. Honestly, shouting from the roof is pointless.
So, to my dearest darling: next time you are feeling down I want you to read this. Read it and remember who you are. What makes you special. How much you mean to me. You gave me life again. You consistently make me feel loved and appreciated. You make me feel perfectly insane. You know in Dawson’s Creek when Joey gives up Dawson for Pacey because she says that even though Dawson is her soulmate that doesn’t mean they are supposed to be together? (Maybe not, I may be the only person that actually watched that show) That’s the kind of soulmates we are. It isn’t romantic, we are just a part of each other. For infinity.
i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
Maybe it is a poem for lovers, but I think it can be for friends too. Because love is love, and I love my soulmate more every day. How can you not love a person who understands you so completely that this conversation happens, which, really, is about seven conversations in one:
S: Do you think if we had tails we would hold tails instead of hands? And would we wrap our tails around each other in an embrace?
N: Yes!!! I want a tail. I would hit people with it
S: Right? And trip them “accidentally”
S: Lol you always say people need to realize that you are ALWAYS right. Don’t deny it. 🙂
N: Knock shit out of their hands “oh I’m soooo sorry, my tail has a mind of it’s own”
N: Yup 😛
S A very, very smart mind. Gooood tail!
N: Damn you…I want a fuzzy tail now
S: We can hold two conversations at once with each other. We are BAMFs.
S: I would put glitter on it and smack people. Get that off your face, bitch!
N: Umm duhh, I thought you knew this already
S: I was reaffirming it.
N: Put a spiky bracelet around it
S: Lol hard rock tails
N: I’d put highlights in it.
S: I would make it hot pink with a black stripe. Girly with an edge.
N: Mind would change constantly
S: It would be the perfect accessory
N: It would!!! Omg that’s my dream to have a tail!!!!
N: OOMMGGG THERE ARE NUNS IN IRVING!!!
S: What?!?!?! Where?!?! Take a picture!!!!
S: Can you imagine how much emotive we could be with tails?!?!
N: I can’t just bust out a picture of a nun in public Sara, that has to be a sin. Can they even show up in pictures?? Is it a sin for them to take pictures???
S: Probably not. They must be descendant from vampires. They aren’t supposed to show up in pictures, right?
N: Omg yes!!! Like wagging, and flicking ,and hitting people, possibly chocking too if they piss us off enough… Stealing things out of people’s pockets!!! OMG
S: Dude. The nursing home people would REALLY hate us!
N: idk, they might be, they have always scared me. They always look angry and hit people with rulers.
N: yea I know, we are going to seriously piss off a few people. But let’s try not to get kicked out of TOO MANY nursing homes.
N: Did I mention the nun was ASIAN?
S: If we get to the point where they stop wanting to take us I will be wealthy enough that we can just buy our own. N and S’s Playland: Home for the Marginally Felonious and Happily Insane! We can do our own screening and let in only the especially fun ones.
S: An Asian nun? Now I just don’t believe you. Definitely should have mentally sent that to me. We need to work on our picture ESP.
N: I’m serious, she was an angry Asian nun!!! I thought she was going to smack me with a ruler.
N: Yes!!! I like that idea!!! It will be like our own arkham asylum…Except no villains…Unless it’s costume day…Or they legitimately think they are a super villain, which could be really fun…Because I could be Harley Quinn and you could be the black widow and we could kick senile ass!!! Assuming we don’t break a hip…And if we do we could always do wheelchair jousting with brooms…
S: Every fucking Wednesday!
S: If she was going to hit you with a ruler that would have been against her beliefs…she is supposed to practice forgiveness.
N: THEN WHY DO THEY HIT KIDS WITH RULERS IN SCHOOL?!?!?!
S: Because the kids are in school and under rules, so they are supposed to be hit. There is a line that divides school and real life. Apparently.
N: Oh, I didn’t know that 😛 hahaha
N: My reality is like the Neverending story and the Labrynth all mushed together.
S: Our nursing home will be awesome. Our events will be stuff like the wheelchair jousts, wheelchair shuffleboard, pudding eating contests, Find your dentures lol
S: I have no reality.
N: lol yes!!! We will have at least three events a day. And “wheel-in movie” nights 😛
S: Wheelchair disco night!
S: Do not bust out laughing at work. Do not bust out laughing at work! DO NOT BUST OUT LAUGHING AT WORK!!!! Omfg! That is hilarious!!!
S: He is forever Tink in my mind now.
S: I have gotten next to no work done today. I’m way too ADD for this shit.
N: I’ve had entirely too much coffee and I’m bouncing off the walls.
S: No such thing as too much. I need more. I keep letting my mind wander and laughing at things I think of. And trying not to make noise so I end up crying.
N: Bahahah we would be terrible working together
S: I don’t know what you’re talking about. That sounds like a fantastic idea to me!
S: Do you think the world is ready for us though? I mean us together when we are hyper and actually out there doing stuff.
N: Hahaha not a chance!!!
S: Poor, poor world. It has no idea…
N: it’s doomed!!! Doomy doomy doooooomed!!
S: Save us! Saaave uuusss! Uoh…tooo laaaate. Squelch!
Now, you tell me, is this girl not amazing for dealing with my insanity as well as being as equally insane?
I love you soulmate! I can’t wait until we terrorize some nursing homes!
Yesterday life was confusing, before that I felt like life was mundane and before that? Well it was worth living sometimes and other times…not so much. Two days ago I thought my world was falling down around me, yesterday it was just weird, and today? Today was kinda good. But shhh!! Don’t tell anyone!
I have to admit that the cheering up my best friend attempted to do to me last night actually worked. Damn that girl. She was right. Ya see that missy?!? YOU WERE RIGHT! …again. She’s persistent, that one, and I love her for it. And obviously she loves me otherwise she wouldn’t put up with all my moping and sorrow and ridiculous loss I feel. (felt?)
When I woke up this morning and realized it was Thursday and that I actually wanted to go to work it was a pretty amazing feeling. Do you know how many years it has been since I actually wanted to go to work? Probably not, but trust me, it’s been quite a few. ALSO! tomorrow is Friday, and I was so excited to be excited about that because for the last few months the thought has been something along the lines of, “yippee…it’s Friday….only one more day of work…” And now I will actually be getting a full weekend! Two whole days!! Who knew I would ever actually be happy about having a two day weekend? Not me, I assure you.
Anywho, I am officially a Website Project Manager (spiffy, huh? Don’t I sound important?!?) and every morning I go into work and as soon as I sit down puppy hops into my lap and plops down as though he has been waiting for me to arrive all morning. There is honestly nothing better than starting a morning at work like that. Once I start working from home I may have to steal my puppies back from my parents just so I can continue this little tradition.
I realized today that I might have learned a little something over the past month…okay, I may have learned a lotta something. DON’T DWELL ON THE PAST. Why you may ask? Schvell, I shall tell you!
- I almost fell into a depression thinking I would never find a good job and then BAM! Hello dream job.
- I thought I didn’t make it into the runway show and then HELLO! I can walk!
- I believed that I would never get over HIM and now I have realized that it is okay to not want another guy. It’s okay to just focus on myself and to reject all the advances I get. (not that being hit on at a bar counts but still…)
- I thought that getting an apartment would be next to impossible but now I have someone willing to be my roommate whom I love very much and I am really excited about living with her. She is kind of awesome, and we are both trying to better ourselves so I think it will be good for us. We can push each other and cheer each other on.
So, dear followers/readers, whoever you are, I remind you to NEVER GIVE UP! Always listen to your best friend! When you feel like everything is going south stop, take a few steadying, deep breaths and stay in the moment because whatever has happened, already happened. It’s there. It’s done. It’s written. However, what is written next is all up to you. You get to decide your fate (unless you don’t believe in free will or fate but that is a whole different subject that I could spend way too much time on and would NOT be a very interesting blog post…or would it?? Hmmm…). You get to decide if you will be happy, or sad, or confused, or indifferent. But whatever you do, do it passionately. Do it well. Do it to it’s full extent. Live exuberantly. See every roadblock as a new challenge you get to figure out and learn from.
We all make mistakes and most of us make the same ones more than once, but you know what I’ve learned? I don’t regret them. And I think that is more important than anything else.