Thursday was an interesting day for me because it started out über depressing and then I hit a wall and went full on crazy, which is to say I was completely myself, and decided to text my soulmate every little thing that popped into my head. I thought I should share with the world the shit this poor girl puts up with and still somehow stays my friend.
Me: I’m in such a bad mood today. I thought it was Friday on Tuesday so this week sucks. I am buying three bottles of wine tomorrow and killing them this weekend.
Me: I’m in serious I-miss-HIM mode and love songs keep playing.
Me: I KNOW!!! But I can’t help it. He is the only person I’ve loved.
Me: Oh thanks Cheap Trick. You are so funny. I Want You To Want Me just came on. Fuck you radio.
N: Calm down.
Me: I am calm. I’m just sad.
(new song comes on)
Me: The Roots be all, “fuck yo bad mood! We gon’ make you smile, boo.” Thanks Roots, I love ya’ll too.
Me: We’ve got you surrounded!
N: Lmfao you crack me up
Me: 😀 I’m so ADD when I’m moody. My negativity keeps multiplying itself into positivity. I can’t even keep up. I keep getting in line for the same roller coaster but I swear to god it’s a different ride each time.
N: We should seriously work together Bahahahahaha
Me: I KNOW!!! It would be so bad it would be good!
Me: Mmmm bubbles!
Me: If you were a train I’d ride you. Choo choo!
Me: If the walls were padded I’d be bouncing off of them. But who am I kidding? I don’t need pads!!! FREEEEEDDDOOOOOMMM!!!! I need a drink.
Me: Or Xanax. Oh! Both.
N: Jesus Sara, no more coffee for you
Me: Oooh coffee! There’s more in the breakroom! Good idea! Wait…what? Pickles!
N: I has cuppy cakes 🙂
Me: I has…not 😦
Me: Cupcake! cupcake! cupcake! Bandito! Hwhhhhaaaattt???
Me: Back to the lab again, yo!
Me: My freewriting would be epic!
Me: I think if elephants had wings they would be like chickens.
N: You are so off of it today.
Me: Whatever. I am so on. Like a flickering lightbulb!
Me: If I was in a math problem I would be an imaginary number. You just have to accept that I exist. If you don’t try and figure out why I am then I make sense!
N: What is the District of Columbia. I understand it’s our capital, but why is it District of Columbia?
Me: Gooood question. Google that shit.
Me: I think it’s its own entity.
N: I figured you would know.
Me: Never took the time to look it up…
Me: If I was a rock and someone said “rock and roll!” I’d be like, “bitch I ain’t gots too. I just am. AND I can roll. What now?” I would also be gangsta. Hood. Hood Rock. Oooo! Like Hard Rock but different.
Me: I’d “rock” a bandana. Hahahaha Omg. That needs to be an adult cartoon.
Me: It could be like Schoolhouse Rock but in a really inappropriate way.
Me: We could teach “How to Perform Proper Fellatio” and “What to do When a Cop Be Trippin.”
Me: The cops would be paper. Hahaha
Me: And the rocks would carry around scissors
Me: When Rocks go rogue. The epic showdown battle begins! “Wanna dance?!?!”
M: You poor thing. I don’t know how you put up with me.
N: Lmfao I just picked up my phone and I had 11 text messages from you.
Me: 🙂 Sowwy
N: Lol it’s ok. I laughed 😛 you’re hilarious
Me: I’m now considering writing a pilot episode and giving it to the owner of the studio I work for to see what he thinks lol
Me: The opening credit song could be “Rollin’ Dirty” instead of ridin’
Me: I’ll have to change my name to Shaquisha so people won’t know a white girl wrote it.
Me: -Dafuq’s a white girl doin in da hood?-I be straight pimpin!
-Bitch, no you ain’t! Go back to da mall.
Me: You have been subjected to the inner workings of my mind all day. You deserve a medal.
N: I freaking love you
Me: 🙂 I LOVE YOU TOO!!!
Notice how most of the time she didn’t really respond, mostly just accepted it and went on with her day? She is amazing. Like, she should be canonized for reals. Also, she should probably stop saying I’m funny, because I am going to start believing her. I asked Mr. Perfect and he shrugged and said, “you’re amusing.” Amusing is not funny. Amusing is similar to going to the zoo to watch the monkeys. Maybe I’m like a zoo monkey.
After all that madness the ADD continued and when I got home I almost jumped the curb and parked on the front lawn instead of in the street because I was distracted by some squirrels who were having way too much fun without me.
Sometimes I’m not quite sure how I have made this far in life.
I will leave you with my latest in brilliant realizations:
Life Lesson from Sara #25:
Sometimes getting the soap out of the dispenser is like giving a hand job. You just have to keep pumping until it comes out.
Just. Keep. Pumping.
When I got home from work this afternoon I made myself a small bowl of cereal and my dad asked me, “cereal time? Did you not eat lunch?” I told him that I had brought some chicken but didn’t eat it…at least not all of it (I never rarely eat lunch). What followed made me laugh a little on the inside because it is something I had been thinking about at work earlier. He asked if I had kept it refrigerated and, when I inquired as to why he asked he said because it could cause bacteria to grow if kept warm. Now, this isn’t exactly an abnormal conversation, in fact I’m sure many people worry about food bacteria, but this afternoon I was reminded of a snippet of conversation I overheard in the office a few weeks back so it makes this somewhat amusing. Someone there asked at large if anyone wanted the other half of her blueberry muffin and one man’s response was, “I haven’t had my flu shot.” (I can’t make this shit up, people. That was his response.) After that a conversation began among everyone about the flu and the flu shot and who has it, who had it, and who doesn’t want to get it; it was then that I tuned them out since the only time I ever get shots is when forced by an institution – not because of my irrational fear of needles, but because I don’t believe in sickness. I just don’t. I think it’s all in our heads. When I DO feel like something may be attacking me I seek out homeopathic remedies like honey, and tea!
Anyway, back on point! For some reason, after I was reminded of this conversation I wondered if anybody else ever left food out on purpose to test the whole, “could get sick” theory. Because I do. A lot. And I never get sick. Never even get an upset tummy. I’m not quite positive why I do this, but I think it has to do with the fact that I haven’t ever gotten severely sick before – both the flu and chicken pox were kind enough to stay out of my life, too – and it is almost as though I want to test myself. Maybe I still have the delusion that I’m somehow invincible. Inside AND out! Honestly, this just furthers my plea of psychosis.
But this is where my mind wanders when I am bored at work. I spent all day opening mail. Well…almost all day. About twenty of those minutes were spent stuffing and addressing envelopes, but if my days were recorded and you rewound that part it would still look like I was opening that little stack of mail! That would be interesting…if you watched the whole day backwards it would look like I spend my day taking papers from a stack, deftly folding them, and stuffing them into an envelope before stacking them in another nice, neat, pile…that I would then un-organize and put into lots of small, messy piles. Backward or forward it is still a boring job that provides me more hours in Saraville than should be allowed.
Speaking of going in reverse though, yesterday the FedEx guy tried to run into my car…kind of. As he was walking to the door to drop off a package his truck began to roll back, he dropped the package, ran, and jumped back into the truck. I’m not quite sure how close he came to Jorma but I was not happy either way. But then again, maybe it had nothing to do with him. Maybe he HAD put it in park and put on the break but the truck decided to moon walk. Because that’s what vehicles do when they are going backwards. Mr. Perfect pointed this out to me a few weeks ago when I was confused by a truck driving backwards through a parking lot and now every time I see someone back up that is what pops into my head. And now it will pop into your head. Heh!
I know I said that this weekend wasn’t this eventful but I forgot to mention the part where Mr. Perfect attempted to eat an entire Super Monster burrito from Freebirds. Have you seen these things? They are HUGE! It is the largest one they have (on the menu) and it involves two very ginormous tortillas and practically all the contents of the food bar rolled into one scrumptious meal. It also happens to be the size of Mr. Perfect’s forearm.
I figured he would easily be able to finish this sucker because…well…I’ve seen him eat. Kid can put it away! But! This proved just too much even for him.
He only got 2/3 of the way through it but, sadly, he finished more of his than I did of mine. I probably should have taken a picture of mine but it was about 1/4 the size of his…and then I rubbed the food coma he was suffering from in his face by eating coffee ice cream. I’m also fairly sure there was beer involved but I doubt he abstained from that. I know it was only a few days ago but it already feels like forevers ago because that’s how weekday time works. It lasts longer than weekend time, in case you were wondering.
When I hang out with Mr. Perfect our weekends seem to be filled with food, booze, coffee, Netflix, and dog parks all interspersed with randomness and stupid jokes. We are both addicted to caffeine so post morning dog park runs are usually followed by coffee and he almost always gets super bitter coffee that he complains about while continuing to drink it. Because that’s what you do! You know you have done it several times, don’t even pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Mostly only with caffeine or alcohol though since neither of those should go to waste. Ever. I don’t care how bad it is, ya drink it. The highlight of the Starbucks run this time though was the guy at the drive through. This guy had a mustache for reals. We liked him before we pulled up to the window because he said “yea-yuh” when Mr. Perfect said his version of a “thank you,” but once the mustache came into play it was love. This fucker was bomb ass. It was like a mini-handlebar mustache but awesomer. I wanted to be this guys friend. I came this close to jumping through the window and paparazzi-ing his ass. Fortunately I was in the passenger seat and that just would have been awkward. Or amazing. One of the two.
I have been writing for far too long now and I still have more to say, so, really, that means I should have stopped quite awhile ago. It is only Tuesday and feels like it should be Thursday so may your week be filled with stress reducing piñata’s full of liquor and money. <–I always come up with these endings last minute and that actually sounds like a really fantastic idea, so, who wants to help me make one of these?!? I’m thinking dollar bills and those pocket shots. And glitter. Inside a unicorn.
WHO’S WITH ME??!?!
This morning I woke up to my alarm clock interrupting a dream about work. I must admit, if I am going to be woken up it might as well be one that takes me away from work…because work should stay at work and remain completely absent from my dream land. Nightmares are one thing, I can handle that, but work?? That’s just not right. Very similar to keeping coffee away from me in the morning. If I walk into work and someone says, “good morning” to me and I’m not on my second cup that good better be rescinded very quickly. Fortunately for them very few people actually say anything to me in the morning and it is usually just, “morning.” Smart people.
On my way to work, I decided to take a new route and zipped my way through Addison Circle (YIELD signs are simply precautionary. They’ll slow down once they see you!) passing a convenience store with a sign outside that said “BEER AND WINE TO GO.” My first question is why did they feel the need to put the sign on the sidewalk literally two feet from the neon sign that proclaimed the exact same thing in much larger letters and in a much more obnoxiously glaring way. Second, I know we have all seen those signs but why do they need the TO GO part? We all know we can’t consume the product on the premises (they have signs saying it’s illegal or something. Jerks.) so of course it is TO GO. Or do they mean you can drive up? Because you can’t. I’ve tried. Nobody comes out to your car to serve you. False advertising in my opinion! Okay, maybe I was only stopped to let someone out and wait for them to purchase what they needed – so not the point!
Unfortunately I arrived at work much faster than I wanted so I took some extra me time in my car and decided to look at my eHarmony matches. (If you would like to know more about my foray into eHarmony you can read it from beginning to end – my romances are short lived.) I said I wouldn’t go looking for anybody anymore but since I have already paid for six months of the damn thing I figure I might as well. The beauty of online dating is that you don’t have to meet them. If you get to that point and you just don’t feel up to it is quite simple to say no. If they ask for your number it is much simpler to type “no” than it is to say it to someone’s face. Not that I have never done it, but I always feel bad afterward. So, last night I decided to get back into it after my one failed attempt – it being a new year and all – and responded to people that had been bugging me that I never had the heart to look at because I was still…hoping…I guess. But now it is time to face facts and see if anybody else can strike my fancy as much. Very highly unlikely though cause Mr. Perfect has best friend potential ya’ll. We are way too alike. It’s actually kind of nice. Back to my point…on eHarmony the first step is sending your match five questions (answer choices provided) and hope that they will answer back. I had never gotten this question before so when I read it I was slightly confuzzled. It had to do with soulmates and whether or not I believed in them (let’s just set aside the fact that I’m a Ginger and do not in fact have a soul). The answers ranged from, basically, “Yes, there is one person for everyone!” to “no, I don’t believe in that sissy shit.” I wanted to answer honestly but thought they might take it the wrong way.
If you have followed my blog even slightly you will probably already know that I HAVE a soulmate. (Examples of how much I love her can be found with Vampire Worms and when amazing things happen) My best friend is my soulmate. End of story. Without her I wouldn’t be whole. She completes me. So, yes, I believe in soulmates. But I don’t think that your soulmate has to be the person you marry. Nobody will ever replace her. I talk to her practically every day (there was this span of four days when we didn’t talk at all and I thought she was avoiding me and she thought I was avoiding her and…it sucked) and when I don’t talk to her I can feel her. I literally feel her. When she is sad, I’m sad. When something is wrong, I get anxious. And the same happens to her. This happens maybe 50% of the time because the other 50% of the time we are in the same mood.
I don’t know, maybe a person can have more than one soulmate, but for now she is it. So how did I answer that question? Correctly. I said everyone has a soulmate. I just didn’t inform them that I already found mine. Honestly people, how can she not be my soulmate? Who else would be able to carry on this conversation with me?:
Me: I wonder if Barbie ever gets upset that she can’t give Ken a blow job.
N: I’d be a little more upset that I didn’t have a vagina.
Me: How the hell did Kelly get in the picture? It’s just impossible. She must be asexual.
N: Why do you say that? Barbie doesn’t have a vagina either.
Me: That’s what I’m saying, no way Kelly could be born. There was no way to make her.
N: Oh, test tube maybe? or maybe Barbie’s are pod people.
Me: Probably pod people. They do always smile, and I’ve never once seen them blink. Creepers.
N: It’s like the Stepford community. They are probably plotting world domination. That’s why they make them so pretty, so little girls will want them so they can be in almost EVERY HOUSEHOLD. And they are just lying in wait for the signal to come to life and kill us all in our sleep.
Me: OMG! You are right! We should probably warn people. Or just make it our mission in life to destroy them before they have the chance to fulfill their destiny.
N: They have been making them for years. They have people helping them. Maybe the government is plotting with them. Or the government is pod people too…
N: And they are using the Barbie’s to spy on people. That’s how they ALWAYS KNOW. OMFG!
Me: Dude I was going to say the government was behind it too! They ARE pod people! Big Brother in the form of Barbie. Nobody would suspect it.
Me: The government started it but Barbie got too smart and took them over. The government THINKS they are in control but really Barbie took over a loooooong time. They’re all pod people now, they just don’t know it.
N (actually her boyfriend): By pod you mean plastic, molded, easy to melt, can’t do anything. OH…and fun to shoot.
N: Thank you [boyfriend].
N: He doesn’t understand…He will be easily taken down by Barbie and her clones.
Me: Yes. He will. You just wait [boyfriend]!
Me: They only LOOK plastic. Obviously they are made of something different, indestructible.
N: Well duh, it only makes sense. They wait until you throw them away and regenerate themselves and crawl back into your house. That’s how you always end up finding them again…
Me: Exactly. They can change property like in Terminator II.
N: OMG that Disney movie that makes so much sense now!!!
Me: Lol, which one? Toy Story or Small Soldiers?
N: Small Soldiers!!!
N: Omg what if G.I. Joe’s are behind it too?!?!?! They are made by the same company!!!
Me: AND THEY HAVE WEAPONS!!!!
Me: We’re screwed.
N: I think [boyfriend] is a pod person…
N: OMG THAT MEANS I’M PREGNANT WITH A POD BABY!!!
N: THAT’S WHY MY PREGNANCY HAS BEEN SO HARD!! SHE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!
Me: Barbie is in charge (cause women are smarter) but G.I. Joe is helping with tactics. Barbie had to make sure they had eyes in every house so they recruited Joe’s.
Me: She is confused. She is only half pod. Half of her wants to and half of her doesn’t. She is like seriously bi-polar. BUT I TOLD YOU SHE WAS A NINJA!
N: Omg she is a hybrid!!! She could be our savior!!
Me: Yes!!! WE NEED HER FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND!! I’m godmamma to the savior of the world!
N: Woohoo!!! Her big bulbous baby head is going to [cause me much pain coming out] for the greater good of mankind!!!
Me: I’m glad we figured this all out now. New we can make sure we raise her with the proper morals and training.
N: Ninja training…
Me: She must be homeschooled. Otherwise the pod people will sense her and recruit her.
N: Omg I wonder who all they have under their thumbs.
Me: Oprah. For sure.
N: The Queen of England for sure, possibly the whole royal family…
Me: Definitely. But Diana was on to them so they got rid of her. Poor Diana.
Me: Tom Cruise.
N: Kristen Stewart.
Me: Bill Gates.
N: Taylor Swift, I hate to say it but she fits the bill.
Me: Papa John.
N: All those evil people from high school that were eerily perfect.
Me: Fuckers. Should have known.
N: That’s how they make the “popular” group…They brainwash them.
Me: OMG! Mean Girls…The Plastics!
Me: The movie industry is trying to give us subtle hints. Someone in Hollywood is in their ranks but looking out for us. They just can’t come right out and say it.
N: Omg it makes so much sense now!!!
Me: Not I HAVE to make movies. How else will we get the message out?
N: We wouldn’t!!! Subliminal messaging!!!
Oddly enough this conversation occurred the night before our savior was born. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!
When all else seems hopeless, when I feel worthless, or when life looks better from the top of a building all I have to do is remember her and remember that in all this chaos and hate and shit that makes up the world I have my soulmate. And everything is easier to take.
Here is hoping you find your soulmate! And that yours is as amazing as mine is. Together we could rule the world. And one day we just might with the help of our Ninja Savior!