Sometimes I want to run away. In the middle of the night. Under the cloak of darkness. Because sometimes it hurts too much. It hurts too much and I want so desperately to reach out and tell someone but I think only of how much of a burden I have been in my life and how little I want to continue being a burden. Most often I don’t even see what’s going on until it’s too late and I…I hurt myself…in one form or fashion, in the end. My mind moves at the speed of light and my anxiety and depression shoulder devils, whisper sweet nothings into my ears that befuddle my already confusing thoughts.
The worst part is that I should know how to do this by now. I should know how to calm myself down at 3:45 a.m. when I wake up crying with a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me curl up into a ball for fear my insides will tear open from the pain that may or may not even exist inside me. I should be able to dispel these thoughts and feelings and the raw, nagging insistence that I will never amount to anything because I have nothing to show for my life thus far and probably never will. I should. Should, should, should. There are a lot of things I should do and people will tell me to “just do them.” People will tell me that my thoughts are silly and I should just get over them. And I will. I promise. I always do. But now, right now, I don’t feel that way. I KNOW I will get past this, but I don’t FEEL like I will. Even that is exhausting – battling with yourself over what you know versus what you feel. Especially when what you think you know isn’t always right.
My thoughts are filled with lies but I’m not always sure what is a lie and what is a truth. I tell myself lies all the time: you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re not witty enough, you’re not funny enough, you’re not enough. A freight train rumbles through my brain, clattering around, billowing out steam, ripping through sanity and rationality, leaving behind chaos and destruction, getting louder and louder as the thoughts become worse and worse until……silence. Nothing. No more noise, no more anything. A void so vast and incomprehensible suddenly appears blanketed with dark, glistening, beautiful lies. So beautiful and enticing that the darkness almost becomes comforting. I enshroud myself in words that are not true. Hiding behind the lies that comfort me. But they don’t really feel like lies. They feel like truths. And maybe, deep down, on a good day, I KNOW they are lies; I just have trouble sifting through those to get through to what is true.
I’m old enough now, I should have this figured out. I shouldn’t have to talk about it anymore. I should be better. Until then, I’ll be just fine. F.I.N.E.
Also, I’m going to go stand outside. Where I will be outstanding. Because that joke is stupid and makes me laugh and feel a twinge better.
May your day start with stupid jokes, be filled with unexpected surprises, and end with tacos. All the tacos. Happy Tuesday, ya’ll.
I feel empty. And I don’t want to talk about it. Not because I think it wouldn’t help but because I’m not sure I know what is wrong and I don’t want to bug any of my friends. Any of the people I want to open up to. I feel as though I have lost all my friends…no, scratch that, I know I have. Once I fall down I push everyone away, distance myself, make it easy to fall apart without feeling like I will hurt anyone. Anyone other than myself.
Once my desperate desires turned into fears of possible follow through I began to realize that I wasn’t the person I had worked so hard to become. The person I was. The person I am. Somewhere along the way I let myself go. I lost who I was again and suddenly, without knowing when or how or why, I found myself back at the bottom of the mountain I had climbed up so carefully and tediously. And the thing is, clawing your way back to the top is much more difficult than the tumble down is. I see where I once was. I can even see my damn footprints in the ground but reaching even that first step seems impossible from this far away.
Fortunately for me I have done it before so I know I can do it again. Unfortunately, it has once again become a task that seems impossible from this view. I go through so many ups and downs through the day I am exhausted by the time I finally clock out at work thinking only of the comfort of my bed and dreaming of comfort food that I rarely crave let alone indulge in. But right now I would like nothing more than to finish off a very large bag of Cheetos followed by a pint of strawberry ice cream not to be shown up by a bottle of white wine.
Sometimes you search for solace in a person you don’t even know; a person who needs you in that moment just as much as you need them. A stranger who can take on all your troubles and you theirs because in the end you mean nothing more to each other than a fellow sufferer searching for any strand of a lifeline in this chaotic, unfeeling world of empty souls. I used to be able to find those people in my times of need but this time…this time I know it won’t help. I know exactly to whom I should be talking. To whom I need to talk, but it is more difficult than I ever imagined possible.
During my writing hiatus a lot has happened and I have wanted to share it with the world but every time I tried to sit down and write nothing came. Sometimes I couldn’t even bring myself to sit in front of my computer because I knew my inability to put emotions and feelings into words, my inability to do what has always come so naturally to me, would lead to nothing more than a self loathing pity party that even I didn’t want to participate in. I should know by now that once “writers block” sets in it means I have stopped connecting with myself; stopped taking time to do things I enjoy…basically stopped being myself.
So what happened? How did I get here? I was happy and making progress towards all my goals and trying new things and doing everything I had said I would do and then…what? I met someone. I met my future husband. And things were wonderful. At first. After a few months I do what I always do; I stopped focusing on myself and focused solely on making him happy. Why? Why did I do this? Because there is a very large part of me that believes I am not good enough and I have to make up for it somehow. This very large part of me was a part I believed I had finally shut away for good…I believed incorrectly.
It came back with a vengeance and likes to remind me of all the hurt I have endured from other men and the nasty things they would blame me for regardless of the fact that I was not to blame. I would like to believe that my devotion to making my man happy came from the fear of having him turn on me like the others in my past but that would be a lie. The embarrassing truth is that I have always devoted myself to making my significant other happy while completely neglecting my own feelings. It took me awhile to realize that my devotion was the exact thing that pushed the people I loved away and this time I was not going to let it happen. This time was different. This man was different.
And that, dear readers, is what finally hit me recently and knocked me out of my downward spiral. I’m still down here, but I know what must be done. I know that I need to talk to him. I know that it will all be okay because, guess what? This man loves me. All of me. For all the right reasons. And I can claim that he doesn’t, I can try and convince myself that he is like the others, I can push and push and push against him, but in the end I know that I am just fooling myself. In the end those wedding magazines are still sitting on my desk full of sticky notes marking desires and ideas. In the end, he’s still the one.
So as not to completely deviate from my old ways I must end this post with a cyber smile since today is Texas’ “Icemaggeddon” and my company closed down their offices I have been having my own little version of a snow day and would like to wish you a day filled with spiked coffee, cozy blankets fully equipped with cuddle bitches, and naps where you dream of nothing but heat inducing activities with your partner…should you be so lucky to have one with you.
Sadly my man is over THERE and I am over HERE and the icy roads are screaming a resounding, “FUCK YOU!” to couples all throughout North Texas. Thanks…we owe you. And we ALWAYS repay our debts.
Having writers block is about as much fun as stubbing your toe repeatedly. Lately, each attempt at putting pen to paper (both figuratively and literally) has resulted in both a lack of imagination as well as a lack of vocabulary. My entire curse word patois came into full force and I felt as though I could have put a few sailors to shame yet not one iota of what I wrote was usable which made for a confused, frustrated, and rather bitchy me. It is quite similar to PMS…just, you know, without the cramps and cravings. And finally today during my eleven hour work day my thoughts ran rampant and suddenly the ability to write came back to me in full force. But that’s how it happens, isn’t it? When you want to do it, you can’t. When you are busy doing something else and are completely consumed in your work, BAM!, inspiration hits and has a good laugh at it’s perfectly inconvenient timing. So, as well as adding to one of my scripts I decided it was time to try writing another blog and see how it will work out. Fingers crossed that I can finish this and not leave in in draft-land where so many other reside.
I could spout out several reasons for why I have not been blogging lately but the long and short of it is that I haven’t been okay. There was a buildup of sadness and near depression for several weeks leading up to my second psychotic episode ever. This one happened to be a few days after the anniversary of my first one last year that landed me in the E.R. with a terrifyingly insufficient recollection of what exactly had happened. Luckily this episode wasn’t as severe but the next morning my memories felt like a movie I had watched. They weren’t my own. It was like I was in another person’s head watching their memories and remembering their thoughts and feelings. That is the best way I can describe it other than scary as fuck.
There has been such a buildup of negativity that it has left me exhausted. I sleep like I’m depressed, I have to force myself to eat because I have no energy to do it, I have no appetite, and get a little nauseous every time I smell food cooking. I rarely want to go out and do anything anymore because just the idea of doing something makes me tired. I think about telling someone that I want to talk but I don’t even know what I would say so I just don’t. I pretend like everything is okay; I’m doing just fine thankyouverymuch! I take it when someone yells at me for being sad or in a mood when they think it is because of them since I don’t even have the energy or words to explain to them what may be going on. I can’t even really place the emotion. I’m not sad or depressed or upset or angry or indifferent or unhappy…I’m just slightly empty. Good things happen to me and it doesn’t even occur to me to share the good news with anybody. I keep most of it to myself and the person that I do tell doesn’t really care because….well, because. So here I am. Empty, and unsure why. I can come up with a few reasons as to why I may feel this way but it will all be mostly conjecture. I mean, can you always explain why you feel a certain way when there is so much traffic in your brain that you no longer know which way is left?
The strangest part about all of this is something that I realized today. Through all of this I have kept my hope and faith. I still love life. I have a childlike wonder about everything and I love making new memories every day. Because that’s all we have, really. You can’t live in the past, you have to leave that behind you because if you don’t you will miss out on what is happening in the present. And you can’t live in the future because you never really know what will happen and if you focus on what you may or may not have you could miss out on what is currently happening. I have faith in people and I still I have hope that everything will end up okay. I wish I could hand this hope and faith over to my friends who are going through difficult times and have neither, but I can’t. Instead I will continue to hold on to it for them until they are ready to accept it again. I don’t think there is any reason not to have faith or hope because they make everything better. The only reason you shouldn’t have them is if you like being miserable. And I would know this because being miserable used to be my thing but for the first time in my life I am not letting the misery get to me. I will not let it take over. I refuse. I accept that I will have bad times in my life, that I may not always be the overly peppy girl that I have become, but I will never let depression take over my life again.
So, while I am really, very not okay, I do still have certain days that are fantastic….
A perfect example of this would be Saturday – even though the week had sucked so much I cried at work three days in a row due to a few choice words from a friend who apparently knows me so well that they know exactly what to say that will hurt me the most (let’s ignore the fact that I shouldn’t let words effect me, okay?) – I woke up hyper, happy, and high on life. Maybe it was because I had cried myself to sleep at eight the night before and spent 12 restless hours in bed or maybe it was because I realized that I was not at fault for what I had been blamed for, but for some reason everything seemed like it was going to be okay. And it was, for the most part. I attended a wedding with Mr. Perfect before we headed to the Rangers vs. Red Sox game and everything was fine until the vows were exchanged. The word “forever” was thrown around and my stomach lurched. I’m sure I have said it before but I will say it again: I don’t think I could ever get married, and it isn’t because I don’t think I could be with someone forever, it’s because I don’t trust that anybody would keep their word and stick around forever. People always leave. They just do. But I deserve better than that. I don’t ever want to feel the same kind of pain and betrayal as I have felt from every person I have been in a relationship with. If you are special enough for me to want to give my everything to, then I deserve the same from you. Loving a person is the easy part, it’s caring enough to stay that is difficult, apparently. So, until I find someone who realizes that I’m worth sticking around for, I will continue to hold back my trust.
*cough cough* Back to Saturday…
After the 5:30 vows were exchanged and congratulations were attempted to be given Mr. Perfect and I beelined to the parking lot to change in the car before heading to our much anticipated 7:05 baseball game. I had so much going on in my head at this point that I was afraid I had lost my hyper-ness and, for most of the drive, I had. But, true to myself, it appeared out of nowhere once again and as we were walking into the park Mr. Perfect informed me that I was special. Not the hey-you-are-an-amazing-person-and-I’m-so-glad-to-have-you-in-my-life! kind of special, but the damn-they-had-a-designated-short-bus-for-you-didn’t-they? kind of special. Yeah…because apparently people don’t skip around, break into song and dance, or name their bobby pins. This is something “special” people do. I’m special like V.I.P. damnit! And my bobby pins agree. Mostly Rosencrantz but that’s only because he thinks quite highly of himself and claims that he wouldn’t fraternize with anybody beneath him. But, I mean, he’s a bobby pin…I probably shouldn’t consider his opinion.
Baseball, beer, ginormous nachos with your best friend when you are super hyper makes for a pretty good Saturday night, even if everything else in your world seems to be crumbling down around you. After years of always being in a dark place I was pretty proud of myself for not letting the darkness consume me when it was trying so hard to do just that.
This blog seriously meandered…if you made it all the way through I thank you for sticking with me. I’m not even sure if it all makes sense but I just had to write something.
I made a video blog awhile ago that I never posted because the sound wasn’t matching up with the video and I couldn’t figure out how to fix it so I’m going to try again, with the written word. I feel like this needs to be said because most of my close friends are going through difficult times and I have dried up my emotional resources. I have been crying at work every day because nothing I do it say helps them and a little voice at the back of my head is, once again, trying to tell me that I’m not good enough, that I’m worthless, that I don’t matter. But none of those things ate true. I know that now and I refuse to let those thoughts win.
I am enough. I matter. We all are and we all do. So this is for my friends. And this is for everyone out there who may feel lost or hurt or sad. You aren’t alone. I’m here.
This whole train of thought started with the stars. Do you ever look at them? Really look at them? They connect us in a way that we can’t even imagine. They are the same stars that your grandparents looked at and the same ones your grandchildren will look at and the same ones someone on the other side if the world sees. They are the past, present, and future. And what’s even cooler is that by the time their light reaches us they are usually already dead, so its like we are looking into the past while seeing the future. And we are all a part of them. The cosmic dust that falls to earth becomes a part of us is some small way.
We are all the same in that we are different. We get to made decisions and think and feel and form our own opinions and love and even hate if we want to. We are all beautiful creatures and…we all hate each other. We do. We hate the very thing that brings us together. Just because someone has a certain political view or believes in a different religion or has more money than you or less money than you or lives on the wrong side of town or…anything. We find all these different things to dislike about each other instead of seeing how beautiful it is that we can each be completely different from each other. We are unique. Each and every one of us. We are ourselves, and we can’t be anything else. So we judge. And we find something in others that we don’t like. And we dwell. But life is beautiful and amazing, just like us. But we don’t even like ourselves; we project our dislike onto others because, well, because we’re human. We are told that we aren’t good enough, or that different is bad. But guess what? It isn’t. Different is beautiful. We all have flaws. We all fall in love with the wrong person. Few of us are content with where we are in life. There is always something lacking in our lives. And that’s okay. But I think, what isn’t okay, is to hold onto all these insecurities and “downfalls” and allow them to fester.
I used to be so depressed I went to bed every night hoping I wouldn’t wake up and not just because I didn’t like my life or myself, but also because I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that nobody else in the world seemed to either. There is death and destruction everywhere. We start wars based on beliefs someone else has. Shakespeare said, “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” And I think that is true. I won’t say that war is good, that is definitely false, but it was thinking that lead someone to think that a war was needed. Shit just is. Someone is going to believe differently from you but that isn’t a bad thing until you think it is. Now, it took me years to get to the point I finally reached a little over a month ago, but now that I’m here life is fucking fantastic. But that quote helped. Every thought I had put me where I was. I held on to every damn thing and turned it into a negative and I will be the first to admit that it was in no way healthy.
I’m not positive what it was but one day it just clicked and suddenly I understood what I needed to do, what I wanted to do, and how to get there. It may not work for you, but it may help you on the way to your own personal clarity. I finally realized and accepted that I can’t change the way people think, feel, or act, but I CAN change all those things about me. Instead of looking at everything in my life under a microscope and analyzing it I decided that everything I have ever done lead me to the point I’m at; a point that I’m not exactly happy with but at the same time could be much worse. I have a roof over my head, a job that doesn’t totally suck, friends whom I love dearly, an amazing family, and hope. I hold on to hope with every essence of my being. I truly believe that I will get exactly where I want in life simply because I want to. The truth is that nobody else will get me where I want to be, I have to rely on myself and guess what? I’m pretty frickin reliable!
Sure, life sucks sometimes, but when I get in that state of mind I just laugh it off and remember that life happens. All around us. Every day. Every moment, every memory, every experience is ours to keep. And we get to decide what we do and how we do it and what we take from it. We can take all the bad or we can take the good. Being broken up with sucks. Especially when you know they have gone back to someone else or are still in love with someone else. You tell yourself you aren’t good enough. You spend hours every day trying to figure out why that person is better than you when you KNOW they aren’t, when the person even told you that you were better! But you can’t change them. You can only change yourself. You can know that they missed out. Cry. Scream. Be angry. But don’t hate yourself. Because it isn’t you and you will never understand. You won’t understand because it doesn’t make sense. It just doesn’t. Love doesn’t come with rationale. Love is passion and stupidity and intuition. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. At some point though, you have to realize that you will be okay. You will! Your heart is broken, true. But it will heal. And that scar will be there to remind you that you hit bottom and clawed your way back to the top crying and broken and in pain and unsure. But you did it, and you can do it again. The best part? You have all those memories – the good and the bad – to remember forever. The bad you will learn from, the good you will smile from, and together they will continue to build you and mold you and create you. I always told myself that I wasn’t good enough. I always fell into that trap. But I am good enough. I’m perfect, in fact. Perfectly imperfect because I’m me and I make no excuses for it. Nor should you because you are also perfect in all your imperfections.
Every day is something new to look forward to. You get to wake up and live however the hell you want to. This morning I was down and struggling because of my inability to help out my friends; nothing I do or say seems to make them see anything in a positive light. But then I realized that all I can do is continue to be there for them, continue to shed that positive light on every damn thing, remind them that they are amazing and I am lucky to have them in my life and everybody else should feel lucky too. I can’t fix them, but I can be there for them every time they fall. And that goes for everyone out there – if you are the one hurting or if you are the one helping a friend out, always know that someone out there has been through it and someone out there wants to help. Whatever you can do is good enough. Right now I can’t do as much as I would like because, as I said earlier, I have given a little too much and neglected myself. I am grumpy and easily angered. However I have realized this and decided that this weekend I will go on a small trip (more on that in another post) just for me so I can recharge, refocus, and come back ready to face any problem that comes at me or my friends.
If you are stuck in a rut, unhappy, depressed, confused, hurt, or anything other than happy take a moment to reflect on what happened to get you where you are today. Was life shitty? Is life still shitty? Every day come up with one reason to smile. Mine is generally excessive amounts of coffee because no matter what I can rely on there being coffee somewhere. (Seriously, you have to start with the little things.) If you are mending a broken heart, start off telling yourself that you aren’t done forever, simply that now wasn’t ya’lls time. That one day you will be together again. It may or may not be true, you honestly don’t know, so why not believe that it will happen? That’s how I got over HIM. I started by believing that one day we would find each other again, and eventually rationality stepped in and I realized that HE wasn’t my one, but that meant my one was still out there and if that isn’t a happy thought then I don’t know what is!
Smile because you get to decide. Smile because you aren’t alone. Smile because you have friends. Smile because you are alive. Smile because…it confuses people. Just start with a smile. Then you can move on to turning one negative into a positive every day. I started out small and am now able to do it with everything while at the same time annoying the shit out of my friends with my unstoppable positivity! Soon I will have rainbows coming out of my ass. It’ll be beautiful!
Anyway, I will leave you with a few things to remember:
The thing about goodbyes is that it’s the beginning of a new hello.
Broken hearts mend and become stronger.
Scars are there to remind us of what we’ve been through and what we can handle.
A smile can fix your day.
Positive thoughts help not only you but the people around you.
Life is beautiful. Live it. Enjoy it. Love it. Because you only have this one, so why not make it great?
And, as usual, I have to sign off with something completely insane even though this was mostly a serious post…May your days be filled with syrup chugging contests and buckets full of water, glue, and glitter filled water balloons to throw at those particularly annoying people you may encounter. Remember to always sing in the bathroom, never let anyone see it was you who emptied the coffee pot, and keep glitter handy to throw at people – water balloon or not.
p.s. These photos came from another blogger I discovered via Facebook. You should check her out: A.D.D. Music Mamma
This post is dedicated to my soulmate and will be quite lengthy so be warned. However, it will be worth the read; especially if you, too, have someone as special as she is in your life…maybe you can share it with them and remind them of how amazing they are.
If you follow my blog at all you have probably already read a lot about her but I’m not sure if I ever related the story from the beginning so, here goes…
I have known N for two years and two months and she was my best friend almost from day one. We both ended up at a football watching party at a mutual friends house and she was one of the first people I was introduced to. I knew nobody else there and for some reason she and I clicked. We talked most of the night, realized we had a extraordinary amount of things in common, and left as Facebook friends so we could keep in touch. And we did. Immediately. Once phone numbers were exchanged there was no going back. The world was officially doomed – we were a force to be reckoned with.
In no time she was my go to girl. Any time I had a problem or any time she had a problem we were there for each other. I had never had someone in my life like her. I could tell her anything and I did. In no time at all she knew everything about me and I trusted her completely. In our two years we have not fought once. At times we get annoyed with each other but mostly when one of us is depressed and hating on ourselves.
She was there for me through every fight I had with HIM, every time HE disappeared, every ache, every tear, every. last. thing. She was always there to remind me that it wasn’t my fault. That he would come back. That I was doing everything I could. That something wasn’t right. I needed to get out. But most importantly, she always reminded me that she loved me and would always be there for me and support any decision I made, even though at that time most of my decisions were the wrong ones. This girl has kept me alive more times than she knows. There have been times where she (unfortunately) literally talked me off the ledge. Having N in my life has kept me from doing so many bad things to myself that I have no idea where I would be without her. I don’t even know that I would still be alive today if I hadn’t met her. I suppose in some small way I have to believe in fate because she and I were meant to be.
N is a part of me. I think about her every day. I talk to her nearly every day. I feel her. When she is down and I’m not I can tell. When I am down and she isn’t she knows it. We often send each other texts asking what’s wrong out of the blue because we just know. One time I had a dream that she was awake, holding her baby, and crying. When I woke up I saw that I just got a text from her saying exactly what I had dreamed. There is a connection between us that I can’t explain but I know that she completes me. Without her I no longer make sense. She gives me a reason to smile when I feel like the only thing I can do is cry. She makes sense of the world when it is crumbling down around me. She keeps me going. She gives me hope.
Over the course of the years I have had conversations with close friends – friends that held the title of “best” for only as long as our friendship ended up lasting – about how we would be a bridesmaid at each others wedding. Or maybe one of us even made it as high up as Maid of Honor. N and me? No, we went past weddings straight to nursing homes. We are already planning out the shenanigans we will get into once we share a room in a nursing home. We never talk about our weddings, but that is probably because 1) I have no desire to get married at this point in time and if I ever DO get married it will be in Vegas, all the money will be spent on the after party, not the ceremony, and 2) N isn’t one for being the center of attention. That, and no guy will ever be good enough for her, but that’s just in my less than humble opinion!
N is the best kind of person out there and the best person I have ever met. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have her as my soulmate and to be able to count on her no matter what. She is the most selfless person I know – she gives and gives even when she has nothing left to give. She loves without limits. She cares about everyone and always lends a helping hand even if it isn’t asked of her. She always tries her hardest at everything she does and never thinks it is enough. She is always trying to better herself. She is an amazing mother, friend, sister, and daughter. She puts us all to shame.
There are often days when I wonder how it was that I got through so many years without her. When I am down or confused I don’t even have to talk to her anymore, just knowing that she is there helps. It also helps that I generally already know what she will say to cheer me up because we have played this game several times before. Depression sucks, and we both deal with it on a daily basis. We are almost the same person in two different bodies. She is my light and my love. She makes me a better person; a complete person. She is all I need. I am fairly positive that she and I will die on the same day because neither of can live without the other one. That and in all likelihood we will be doing something foolish together in our old age, like racing jet ski’s in an olympic size pool or something.
Now, I know all these great things about her but sometimes I think she forgets, so I decided to shout it from the rooftops…or as close as I can get. Because, really, putting me on a roof is just not safe since I would either be so clumsy that I would fall or I would decide I was invincible and decide to jump off so I could experience the sensation of falling. Plus nobody would hear or care. Honestly, shouting from the roof is pointless.
So, to my dearest darling: next time you are feeling down I want you to read this. Read it and remember who you are. What makes you special. How much you mean to me. You gave me life again. You consistently make me feel loved and appreciated. You make me feel perfectly insane. You know in Dawson’s Creek when Joey gives up Dawson for Pacey because she says that even though Dawson is her soulmate that doesn’t mean they are supposed to be together? (Maybe not, I may be the only person that actually watched that show) That’s the kind of soulmates we are. It isn’t romantic, we are just a part of each other. For infinity.
i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
Maybe it is a poem for lovers, but I think it can be for friends too. Because love is love, and I love my soulmate more every day. How can you not love a person who understands you so completely that this conversation happens, which, really, is about seven conversations in one:
S: Do you think if we had tails we would hold tails instead of hands? And would we wrap our tails around each other in an embrace?
N: Yes!!! I want a tail. I would hit people with it
S: Right? And trip them “accidentally”
S: Lol you always say people need to realize that you are ALWAYS right. Don’t deny it. 🙂
N: Knock shit out of their hands “oh I’m soooo sorry, my tail has a mind of it’s own”
N: Yup 😛
S A very, very smart mind. Gooood tail!
N: Damn you…I want a fuzzy tail now
S: We can hold two conversations at once with each other. We are BAMFs.
S: I would put glitter on it and smack people. Get that off your face, bitch!
N: Umm duhh, I thought you knew this already
S: I was reaffirming it.
N: Put a spiky bracelet around it
S: Lol hard rock tails
N: I’d put highlights in it.
S: I would make it hot pink with a black stripe. Girly with an edge.
N: Mind would change constantly
S: It would be the perfect accessory
N: It would!!! Omg that’s my dream to have a tail!!!!
N: OOMMGGG THERE ARE NUNS IN IRVING!!!
S: What?!?!?! Where?!?! Take a picture!!!!
S: Can you imagine how much emotive we could be with tails?!?!
N: I can’t just bust out a picture of a nun in public Sara, that has to be a sin. Can they even show up in pictures?? Is it a sin for them to take pictures???
S: Probably not. They must be descendant from vampires. They aren’t supposed to show up in pictures, right?
N: Omg yes!!! Like wagging, and flicking ,and hitting people, possibly chocking too if they piss us off enough… Stealing things out of people’s pockets!!! OMG
S: Dude. The nursing home people would REALLY hate us!
N: idk, they might be, they have always scared me. They always look angry and hit people with rulers.
N: yea I know, we are going to seriously piss off a few people. But let’s try not to get kicked out of TOO MANY nursing homes.
N: Did I mention the nun was ASIAN?
S: If we get to the point where they stop wanting to take us I will be wealthy enough that we can just buy our own. N and S’s Playland: Home for the Marginally Felonious and Happily Insane! We can do our own screening and let in only the especially fun ones.
S: An Asian nun? Now I just don’t believe you. Definitely should have mentally sent that to me. We need to work on our picture ESP.
N: I’m serious, she was an angry Asian nun!!! I thought she was going to smack me with a ruler.
N: Yes!!! I like that idea!!! It will be like our own arkham asylum…Except no villains…Unless it’s costume day…Or they legitimately think they are a super villain, which could be really fun…Because I could be Harley Quinn and you could be the black widow and we could kick senile ass!!! Assuming we don’t break a hip…And if we do we could always do wheelchair jousting with brooms…
S: Every fucking Wednesday!
S: If she was going to hit you with a ruler that would have been against her beliefs…she is supposed to practice forgiveness.
N: THEN WHY DO THEY HIT KIDS WITH RULERS IN SCHOOL?!?!?!
S: Because the kids are in school and under rules, so they are supposed to be hit. There is a line that divides school and real life. Apparently.
N: Oh, I didn’t know that 😛 hahaha
N: My reality is like the Neverending story and the Labrynth all mushed together.
S: Our nursing home will be awesome. Our events will be stuff like the wheelchair jousts, wheelchair shuffleboard, pudding eating contests, Find your dentures lol
S: I have no reality.
N: lol yes!!! We will have at least three events a day. And “wheel-in movie” nights 😛
S: Wheelchair disco night!
S: Do not bust out laughing at work. Do not bust out laughing at work! DO NOT BUST OUT LAUGHING AT WORK!!!! Omfg! That is hilarious!!!
S: He is forever Tink in my mind now.
S: I have gotten next to no work done today. I’m way too ADD for this shit.
N: I’ve had entirely too much coffee and I’m bouncing off the walls.
S: No such thing as too much. I need more. I keep letting my mind wander and laughing at things I think of. And trying not to make noise so I end up crying.
N: Bahahah we would be terrible working together
S: I don’t know what you’re talking about. That sounds like a fantastic idea to me!
S: Do you think the world is ready for us though? I mean us together when we are hyper and actually out there doing stuff.
N: Hahaha not a chance!!!
S: Poor, poor world. It has no idea…
N: it’s doomed!!! Doomy doomy doooooomed!!
S: Save us! Saaave uuusss! Uoh…tooo laaaate. Squelch!
Now, you tell me, is this girl not amazing for dealing with my insanity as well as being as equally insane?
I love you soulmate! I can’t wait until we terrorize some nursing homes!