When you fall down you never wonder about whether or not you will be able to get up, you just do it. You pop back up and move on. Maybe you have a few bumps and bruises but you are usually fine. Personally, I love falling. Falling down. Falling in love. Falling apart. Falling behind. Falling for a joke. Unfortunately not all falling is as easy to recover from as falling down even though it is really the same basic concept.
Falling in love is especially difficult to recover from once you hit the ground. You know you will be able to get up but you just aren’t sure how and it seems like an especially impossible feat when face meets asphalt after your first love disappears into the horizon and you are left there wondering how exactly the sun is now smirking at you from such an odd angle. Soon you realize that the heat in your flushed cheeks is not, in fact, from this asphalt ground you picture yourself lying on; instead it is a mixture of anger, sadness, depression, confusion, desperation, anxiety, pain, agony, and a whole hodgepodge of unidentifiable emotions screaming through your head in delirium. It’s an improbably painful fever broken only by the seemingly unattainable sanity of reality. A reality that can only be seen through the eyes of a person whose entire being isn’t overwhelmed with daggers of pain and whose heart isn’t decorated with gaping holes where someone else used to live so comfortably.
Somehow though, after living in your own comfortable bubble of darkness for days, weeks, or months, someone finally penetrates the bubble and starts to let light back in. Lends you a hand you are finally willing to accept and hold on to for dear life as you start your slow return from the supine position you had previously believed you would assume for the rest of your unlovable existence. Because at some point you realize that you have been festering – dwelling on the same hurt and pain, regurgitating the same false beliefs that your irrational brain has set to repeat, playing them over and over until you are so brainwashed and numb that you begin to believe up is down and left is right. As an aside, it was around this time that I decided that I would repeat this gem to myself: left is always right, except of course when it’s wrong. I figured if my brain was going to fuck up my thinking I might as well try to fuck up my whole world while I was at it…except now it’s kind of my motto since it basically makes no sense to anybody who isn’t as psychotic as me.
Once you start to get your thoughts and feelings sorted back out and stop letting the irrational beat out the rational things begin to look up again, albeit very slowly. Positivity is easy to put out into the world but it is quite another thing to be on the receiving end of. Accepting the bright side after falling down into a deep abyss of loneliness and pain is almost an affront. How dare people think we should be happy again after such debilitating pain! Fuckers. But, as we all know, just like falling down, we must get back up. We must continue onward. And this is why I love falling, because each time you do it, getting back up becomes easier. Figuring out how to stand on your own again begins to become second nature. You start to believe that not only will you be okay, but you will love again. You will. Because love is out there. It’s in you. It’s everywhere. You just have to find it.
I could love anyone. Love is easy. You can find something to love inside everyone and I think everybody deserves to be loved. However, just because I could love anybody doesn’t mean I should. As seen in my fail date posts 1 and 2 (3 and 4 are currently in draft form) I’m not always the best at picking people with which I am compatible. I am rather terrible at it, to be truthful. When I am proactive about dating I always go for the wrong people because I want to give everybody a chance but when I am not really trying I can find someone perfect for me…perfect for me but at the most incredibly wrong time. A dilemma I am fairly certain we have all come face to face with on more than one occasion. For the longest time I told myself that this was a sign proving to me that I would be alone forever, but now I am convinced that it means at one point I will meet the right guy at the right time and everything will work out. Until then I will remain firm in my faith and my hope because I have learned that when I lose both of those I go back to my old ways of going after the person that I know will hurt me most.
Going back to someone who hurts us is a common denominator among all human beings who have experienced love. I think the reason we do it is because we like the pain. We think the pain is part of the love. We believe that love, without pain, is no love at all! We have to take the good with the bad, right? Wrong. True, there will always be difficult times but I can tell you now that they will never be as difficult as whatever that person continues to put you through. Just because you love them doesn’t mean they hold the same caliber of affection for you. Learning that you deserve better and then forcing yourself to let go of the bad and go for what you deserve is probably more difficult than getting off that ground once you have fallen. I still have trouble believing that I deserve anything. I fall into the trap of thinking that nobody will want me around for very long because I’m not pretty enough or smart enough or skinny enough or rich enough or kind enough or stable enough. I have flaws and therefore nobody will love me – that is a thought that likes to resurface quite often and pushing it back down is not as easy as I thought it would be. But I am trying. Every day. Because I have hope that at some point I will find someone who really sees me and realizes that they can never let me go. When I really see who a person is that’s how I feel, but I usually have to settle for just being friends but at least I get to keep them in my life.
So always remember that when you fall, you can get back up. You will know when you meet the right person because you will see them and they will see you inside and out. They will know you and you will know them and together you will make sense. And this person? This person will be right beside you every time you fall, catching you before you can hit the ground.
P.S. As always I feel the need to sign off in a very me kind of way so…
May your week be filled with random glitter bombs thrown at coworkers, may your mornings be spiked with coffee and rock and roll, and may your Friday begin and end with a break-for-dance moment.
I made a video blog awhile ago that I never posted because the sound wasn’t matching up with the video and I couldn’t figure out how to fix it so I’m going to try again, with the written word. I feel like this needs to be said because most of my close friends are going through difficult times and I have dried up my emotional resources. I have been crying at work every day because nothing I do it say helps them and a little voice at the back of my head is, once again, trying to tell me that I’m not good enough, that I’m worthless, that I don’t matter. But none of those things ate true. I know that now and I refuse to let those thoughts win.
I am enough. I matter. We all are and we all do. So this is for my friends. And this is for everyone out there who may feel lost or hurt or sad. You aren’t alone. I’m here.
This whole train of thought started with the stars. Do you ever look at them? Really look at them? They connect us in a way that we can’t even imagine. They are the same stars that your grandparents looked at and the same ones your grandchildren will look at and the same ones someone on the other side if the world sees. They are the past, present, and future. And what’s even cooler is that by the time their light reaches us they are usually already dead, so its like we are looking into the past while seeing the future. And we are all a part of them. The cosmic dust that falls to earth becomes a part of us is some small way.
We are all the same in that we are different. We get to made decisions and think and feel and form our own opinions and love and even hate if we want to. We are all beautiful creatures and…we all hate each other. We do. We hate the very thing that brings us together. Just because someone has a certain political view or believes in a different religion or has more money than you or less money than you or lives on the wrong side of town or…anything. We find all these different things to dislike about each other instead of seeing how beautiful it is that we can each be completely different from each other. We are unique. Each and every one of us. We are ourselves, and we can’t be anything else. So we judge. And we find something in others that we don’t like. And we dwell. But life is beautiful and amazing, just like us. But we don’t even like ourselves; we project our dislike onto others because, well, because we’re human. We are told that we aren’t good enough, or that different is bad. But guess what? It isn’t. Different is beautiful. We all have flaws. We all fall in love with the wrong person. Few of us are content with where we are in life. There is always something lacking in our lives. And that’s okay. But I think, what isn’t okay, is to hold onto all these insecurities and “downfalls” and allow them to fester.
I used to be so depressed I went to bed every night hoping I wouldn’t wake up and not just because I didn’t like my life or myself, but also because I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that nobody else in the world seemed to either. There is death and destruction everywhere. We start wars based on beliefs someone else has. Shakespeare said, “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” And I think that is true. I won’t say that war is good, that is definitely false, but it was thinking that lead someone to think that a war was needed. Shit just is. Someone is going to believe differently from you but that isn’t a bad thing until you think it is. Now, it took me years to get to the point I finally reached a little over a month ago, but now that I’m here life is fucking fantastic. But that quote helped. Every thought I had put me where I was. I held on to every damn thing and turned it into a negative and I will be the first to admit that it was in no way healthy.
I’m not positive what it was but one day it just clicked and suddenly I understood what I needed to do, what I wanted to do, and how to get there. It may not work for you, but it may help you on the way to your own personal clarity. I finally realized and accepted that I can’t change the way people think, feel, or act, but I CAN change all those things about me. Instead of looking at everything in my life under a microscope and analyzing it I decided that everything I have ever done lead me to the point I’m at; a point that I’m not exactly happy with but at the same time could be much worse. I have a roof over my head, a job that doesn’t totally suck, friends whom I love dearly, an amazing family, and hope. I hold on to hope with every essence of my being. I truly believe that I will get exactly where I want in life simply because I want to. The truth is that nobody else will get me where I want to be, I have to rely on myself and guess what? I’m pretty frickin reliable!
Sure, life sucks sometimes, but when I get in that state of mind I just laugh it off and remember that life happens. All around us. Every day. Every moment, every memory, every experience is ours to keep. And we get to decide what we do and how we do it and what we take from it. We can take all the bad or we can take the good. Being broken up with sucks. Especially when you know they have gone back to someone else or are still in love with someone else. You tell yourself you aren’t good enough. You spend hours every day trying to figure out why that person is better than you when you KNOW they aren’t, when the person even told you that you were better! But you can’t change them. You can only change yourself. You can know that they missed out. Cry. Scream. Be angry. But don’t hate yourself. Because it isn’t you and you will never understand. You won’t understand because it doesn’t make sense. It just doesn’t. Love doesn’t come with rationale. Love is passion and stupidity and intuition. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. At some point though, you have to realize that you will be okay. You will! Your heart is broken, true. But it will heal. And that scar will be there to remind you that you hit bottom and clawed your way back to the top crying and broken and in pain and unsure. But you did it, and you can do it again. The best part? You have all those memories – the good and the bad – to remember forever. The bad you will learn from, the good you will smile from, and together they will continue to build you and mold you and create you. I always told myself that I wasn’t good enough. I always fell into that trap. But I am good enough. I’m perfect, in fact. Perfectly imperfect because I’m me and I make no excuses for it. Nor should you because you are also perfect in all your imperfections.
Every day is something new to look forward to. You get to wake up and live however the hell you want to. This morning I was down and struggling because of my inability to help out my friends; nothing I do or say seems to make them see anything in a positive light. But then I realized that all I can do is continue to be there for them, continue to shed that positive light on every damn thing, remind them that they are amazing and I am lucky to have them in my life and everybody else should feel lucky too. I can’t fix them, but I can be there for them every time they fall. And that goes for everyone out there – if you are the one hurting or if you are the one helping a friend out, always know that someone out there has been through it and someone out there wants to help. Whatever you can do is good enough. Right now I can’t do as much as I would like because, as I said earlier, I have given a little too much and neglected myself. I am grumpy and easily angered. However I have realized this and decided that this weekend I will go on a small trip (more on that in another post) just for me so I can recharge, refocus, and come back ready to face any problem that comes at me or my friends.
If you are stuck in a rut, unhappy, depressed, confused, hurt, or anything other than happy take a moment to reflect on what happened to get you where you are today. Was life shitty? Is life still shitty? Every day come up with one reason to smile. Mine is generally excessive amounts of coffee because no matter what I can rely on there being coffee somewhere. (Seriously, you have to start with the little things.) If you are mending a broken heart, start off telling yourself that you aren’t done forever, simply that now wasn’t ya’lls time. That one day you will be together again. It may or may not be true, you honestly don’t know, so why not believe that it will happen? That’s how I got over HIM. I started by believing that one day we would find each other again, and eventually rationality stepped in and I realized that HE wasn’t my one, but that meant my one was still out there and if that isn’t a happy thought then I don’t know what is!
Smile because you get to decide. Smile because you aren’t alone. Smile because you have friends. Smile because you are alive. Smile because…it confuses people. Just start with a smile. Then you can move on to turning one negative into a positive every day. I started out small and am now able to do it with everything while at the same time annoying the shit out of my friends with my unstoppable positivity! Soon I will have rainbows coming out of my ass. It’ll be beautiful!
Anyway, I will leave you with a few things to remember:
The thing about goodbyes is that it’s the beginning of a new hello.
Broken hearts mend and become stronger.
Scars are there to remind us of what we’ve been through and what we can handle.
A smile can fix your day.
Positive thoughts help not only you but the people around you.
Life is beautiful. Live it. Enjoy it. Love it. Because you only have this one, so why not make it great?
And, as usual, I have to sign off with something completely insane even though this was mostly a serious post…May your days be filled with syrup chugging contests and buckets full of water, glue, and glitter filled water balloons to throw at those particularly annoying people you may encounter. Remember to always sing in the bathroom, never let anyone see it was you who emptied the coffee pot, and keep glitter handy to throw at people – water balloon or not.
p.s. These photos came from another blogger I discovered via Facebook. You should check her out: A.D.D. Music Mamma
Today should have been a good day by all accounts – but I found you haunting me all day. When I am alone you enter my mind. When I try not to think about you, you appear. Tears well in my eyes and I have to brush them away before they are allowed to trace tracks down my cheeks, giving me away.
You are probably fine. You probably don’t care about me anymore. Maybe even hardly remember me. But I remember you. I remember your laugh, and your hug, and your touch. The way you would make me feel calm with a hug. Turn a moment of sadness into hysterical laughter.
They say I will get over you. I will forget you. I will move on. But I still don’t want to. I still believe. I still hope.
Is it stupid? Is it in vain? I don’t care.
I’m tired of being told what to think or what to do. I am dealing in my own special way and I will make it. I try to focus my energy on myself and what I want, but that doesn’t mean I can’t keep him in my meditations. I still send him good thoughts, hoping he is okay and well and that he will get everything he wants in life. I don’t care if he doesn’t wish the same for me because I don’t know, maybe he does. All I know is that I can’t send him negative thoughts, I can only think good things about him, no matter what he has done to me. People may think I am wasting my time and energy, but I don’t think I am. And I think that’s all that matters.
I don’t do angry well. I can’t be mad at him. I can only ask “why?” I will never know, but I will always know that through it all I never lost faith in him. I always believed in him. And that is more than I can say for most people.
I will continue to do what I am doing. I will still cry. But I will also still live. I will keep going forward and living for myself and hope that somewhere along the way something will change. Maybe I will finally be able to let go. I don’t know what will happen, but neither does anybody else.
Tomorrow is another day. Next month will be full of them. Next year as well. I have a lot of days left to take on – but I will manage. And every day I will remind you that I love you. I will hope for your happiness, and continue to work on mine.