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Time, Stand Still.

“My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.”
~ Romeo and Juliet

Every day you move, I move with you.  Everywhere I go, you go.

Time passes.  Does it exist?

Stand still.  Close your eyes.  Feel me.  Right there.  Right now.  Every moment.

Questions arise – where have you gone?  Why did you go?  Are you alive?

As long as I live, you live.  Within me.  Forever.

Your memory lingers.  The changes you made forever stamped on my soul, walking with me.  Comforting me.

Together we are one.  Apart…I am never apart from you.

Today.  Yesterday.  Tomorrow.  Last year.  Time makes no difference.  We existed.  We lived.  We loved

For ever and for always.

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Where have you gone?

Life happens.  It continues even when you think you can’t.  You’re stuck.  You go through the motions.  Counting each passing day.  Watching the pages fly off the calendar.  But you aren’t there.  Where are you?

You used to be whole.  You used to make sense.  And then a part of you left – it left and it won’t come back.  It is lost out there somewhere in the infinite abyss and you try.  You try to patch up the gaping hole but it remains.  To mock you.

Each day you go out with your mask on.  You laugh and smile and make small talk and everybody thinks you are healing.  You are getting better, and inside you laugh.  Not because you are happy, but because you are pulling it off.  Everyone believes you.  It’s working.  It’s much easier this way; your pain is so much easier to deal with alone.  When people address it, it hits you all over again and the pain becomes more intense – fresh.  Now it is just a normal ache, one you are used to.  It has become a part of you.  You try to let it go and don’t want to.  Without it what will you be now?  Where will you go?  Who will you become?  For so long you knew and then out of nowhere you were torn in two.  Your future no longer certain.  Your house empty.  Your heart…your heart torn.

I can’t begin to understand.  You left without a word.  You said you would never leave.  You said love.  But you did not love.  You left.

I knew who I was when I had you.  I knew what I wanted and where I was going.  Now I am wandering aimlessly.  Searching for…what?  I don’t know.

Eventually it will get better.  They say it always does.  Some day…  Some day I will want to move on.  Some day it will make sense.  Some day I will be able to let go.  Some day I will find myself again.

I focus myself.  Try to convince myself that I am moving on.  But you are always there.  Still.  I will continue to move.  Continue to continue as you haunt my days, my dreams, my memories.  Every song, every restaurant, every street contains you.  Your presence is so heavy.  I welcome it.  I welcome the tears.  I welcome you in my heart.  The heart that you have so thoroughly destroyed.  My faith has been shattered but I rebuild it.  One day at a time.  I consume myself with friends and activities.  With hope.  I hope you are okay.  I hope you get the world.  I hope you understand.  I hope you never feel this pain.

I will find myself again.  I am out there.  Waiting.

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