You know those moments in life when something out of the ordinary happens, something fantastic, and you think to yourself, “I must be dreaming?” I had one last Sunday when I found out I actually made it into the runway show I went to the casting for because I had never walked down a runway before; hell, I had never been taught how to do a runway walk before (plus it had been over three weeks since the casting and she said she would get back to us after a week). I have always focused on acting because I never dreamed I could model but for some reason in the past year I have had my heart set on TRYING to model. At the beginning of 2012 I told myself this would be my year to do things I had never done/had always been afraid to try, and this was one of those.
So that was jaw dropping moment number one. Today I got jaw dropping moment number two…
It was Rehearsal #1 and in the email we had been told that not everyone would have to come to all five rehearsals, I assumed I would be one of these people thinking that fewer rehearsals meant smaller part. I was wrong.
Due to scheduling conflicts only three of the 12 designers were able to make it but we still all did our runway walks for them. Two of the designers picked me. Apparently one had picked me before I even walked and when she called me over to talk after I walked she said, “I wanted you when I saw you but after I saw you walk I said to myself ‘definitely.'” (Or something along those lines.) As I have said before it is difficult for me to take compliments, and while this wasn’t exactly a compliment I found myself balking. “Does she have the right girl?” “Am I being punked?” “Would you thank the woman!!” Finally I stuttered out a thank you before returning to my seat to contemplate what had just happened.
Confidence is a funny thing. I am confident in myself, but I am not confident in my body image. Having been larger in high school I still find it difficult to actually see a size two in the mirror, let alone believe that other people see me as a size two – though, why wouldn’t they? It’s what I am. But try telling me that! I will deny it. I’m very confusing.
Not too long after I sat down I was called into a group for another designer – the designer that would lead off the show. So, not only do I get to be in a runway show, as of right now I get to walk for two designers AND be in the opening walk. I may even get to walk for more designers but I won’t find out until the next rehearsal. I guess this is just proof to myself that you will never know what you can do until you try. This also proved that I shouldn’t assume things…only if you aren’t in the first walk do you have to come to all the rehearsals. Because we are awesome (and don’t have to learn a dance).
Now, this is not a paid event, I will only get photos and video of the show, however, it is a charity event benefiting Oxfam America. If you happen to live in or around D/FW you can get tickets here. I think I am more excited that it is an unpaid event…possibly because I feel less pressure, although, now that I think about it maybe I should feel more pressure… Oh well, for now I will just remain excited and happy to be a part of something so great!
This morning I woke up to a beautiful text from my best friend. Most mornings start off dark and I have to push through to find this light. I kind of look it like waking up in pitch black and stumbling around until you find a source of light, a candle, and think of a way to light it. But this morning when I woke up in my Dark Room there was already a candle lit for me:
“I just wanted to tell you that I love you, and you are one of the most important people in my life. You can never be replaced or forgotten. You are one of a kind and my one and only soulmate.”
It was 7:30 and my first thought was, “who the hell is texting me this early?!” As soon as I saw who it was from I softened, this girl could call me at three in the morning and I wouldn’t mind, she is irreplacable and keeps me going on my worst days. A smile immediately stole across my face and I thought to myself, “this is going to be a good day.” How could it not? I woke up to the knowledge that there is a person out there who loves me, and is there anything else to be more grateful for than that?
When I finally got out of bed I was slightly discombobulated – I had had crazy dreams. Beyond crazy. Those kinds of dreams that you wake from wondering if they were real, or if the person you dreamed of is going to mean something to you. Will I meet this person? Is he real? Why do I keep seeing my love in my dreams – keep seeing him just beyond reach. What did this all mean? Does it even mean anything? Sometimes I like dreams that leave you wondering, but this morning I didn’t want it. I have been trying to move on, stop thinking about him, but my dreams refuse to let me; my thoughts always find a way to remember him.
Instead of focusing on him and my dream I focused on the text. On the day. Trying to make a conscious decision to make today a good day. What other candles could I light?
- It is August in Texas and it is 70 degrees outside and raining. Now, rain can make me go either way – sometimes it is incredibly difficult to be happy on rainy days because depression can creep in and make that rain cloud move over your head as well. Eeyorish days can be difficult to escape from. But sometimes rain is my favorite. I do some of my best writing when I am just sitting and listening to the rain pound on the roof, and drip though the trees. So I choose to make the rain another candle, not snuff out my already lit one.
- Over three weeks ago I went to an open call for a charity runway show and they said we would hear from them within a week. I didn’t get an email or a phone call so I assumed I hadn’t gotten a spot. It would have been a great opportunity and I was really hoping I wohad impressed someone enough to be chosen. There was no pay but it was for a great charity and I would get pictures and a video from it plus it is an international show so I would get exposure. And then last night at 11 I got an email from someone giving me the rehearsal schedule for the event and apologizing for getting back to me so late. I had completely forgotten about the show, after I hadn’t heard anything I just believed that some other opportunity would come along later. Recently I have been really trying to change my thoughts and maybe this had something to do with it, I don’t know, but I am going to believe that the good vibes I have been putting out there are returning to me. Maybe things are really going to start happening for me.
- I will be going skydiving next month. I have wanted to sky dive for a really long time and I just happened to bring it up to a friend who is also trying to live her life for herself instead of other people and it just so happened that she and her friends already had an outing planned. So I joined in. And last night, when I saw the schedule for the rehearsals my heart dropped; there was going to be a rehearsal on the Sunday of the dive and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do both…I would have to choose the runway show or skydiving. Then this morning I have an email from the group saying that the date has been changed from a Sunday to a Saturday. Coincidence? Maybe. But…I don’t believe in coincidence.
- This is my last week at this job. There is really nothing better than knowing you are going from a job you dread waking up in the morning for to a job that is quite possibly your dream job.
- Because of the new job I will be starting I will be able to move back into my own place.
- I put down my deposit to get my dragon tattoo finished last night and scheduled my appointment for August 31st. I think it will be a great way to end one hell of an August.
- I start school again on Monday. I have been out of school for awhile because I couldn’t decide on a major and didn’t have the money to pay for it. But I have finally chosen (English and Computer Science) and I will finally get that degree I have so longed for.
Even as I write this negative thoughts are trying to blow out my candles. But I will try to turn every negative into a positive. Every “no” into a “yes”. Every “I can’t” into an “I can.” Every “you’re not good enough” into an, “hell yes I am!”
Perception is reality, right? I have changed my perception and my reality. Or at least I am trying to.
To add another candle to my Dark Room I will end this post with my favorite quote:
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” ~ Shakespeare