She was once a beautiful butterfly who wore her vibrant colors without shame. She spent her days with all the beautiful flowers and spoke with all the wonderful creatures. She was happy. But she always knew something was missing. Knew there was more. But she was willing to wait; to wait for what was missing to come around.
And one day he did. And he loved her. And she loved him.
He loved her so much he had to put her in a cage, he said.
“Why?” She asked. “Why do I need a cage?”
“Because you are so beautiful and wonderful. Someone might steal you.”
He cares about me, she thought. He worries someone might hurt me. He loves me.
“May I leave the cage?” She asked.
“No,” he told her. “You might not come back.”
“I will!” She promised. “I love you.” She reminded him.
And after many promises and weeks of convincing, he let her out. But her flowers were no longer there and the creatures were upset with her.
“Where did you go?” One asked.
“Why did you leave without saying goodbye?” Wondered another.
“We thought we were your friends?”
Ashamed she returned to her cage. To the man who loved her. Her heart was broken but she knew he would still be there. He would still love her. And love her he did. So much so that he refused to let her leave because he didn’t want her to get hurt again.
“Aren’t I enough for you?” He asked. “Why do you need to leave me? You have a perfect home here.”
But she wanted to fly again. She missed the sun and the flowers and the creatures. She loved him but she loved flying, too. What is a butterfly without flight? She was beginning to lose her color, this she knew. And if she wasn’t as beautiful surely he wouldn’t love her. And he must love her, for who else did she have now?
Seeing that she was sad he gave her a gift. It smelled of flowers and the flame danced around throwing shadows around the cage, ghosts of the friends she once shared her days with. So she filled her days with shadow play while he was away. And he was always away. Soon the flame became her only friend.
As her colors faded the flame grew brighter. And soon the days were colder and she got closer and closer to the flame until one day she got too close. And when he finally came back she was gone.
She had gone where everyone has wings and the colors were more vibrant than she ever imagined. And she would remember how to be happy again.
There is no better misery than that felt in love.
The desire to be hated becomes almost as strong as the desire to be loved.
Hate me. Love me. Feel something. Anything. But please, don’t be indifferent. I need to feel something from you. I don’t care what.
Our unspoken words fill the rooms. Pushing in around us. I can’t breathe. Choking on my own thoughts.
You left the words behind. Walked away as I drowned in an ocean of broken words. You looked back unseeing; moved forward unfeeling.
There remain things to be said that will forever stay safely tucked away in the folds of our insecurities. Hidden by lies we tell ourselves.
Your name is still etched upon my heart, beating out its own tattoo along with my own heartbeat. Everywhere I go, there you are. I can feel you. You bring a smile to my soul with every warm memory – the ocean of pain washed away into the dark chasm of my past. Gone but never forgotten.
My broken heart still looks for you in everyone. Finding you everywhere. Comforted by the reminder of the pain I felt. The hurt that covered me like a warm familiar blanket.
I go in deep and suddenly there you are again. Still attached to my heart, finding everything I hated about you in every new love. But my heart must let you go, for my brain has finally carried the message to my heart, “you deserve better” it whispers.
And slowly the scars in my depths will fade.
I made a video blog awhile ago that I never posted because the sound wasn’t matching up with the video and I couldn’t figure out how to fix it so I’m going to try again, with the written word. I feel like this needs to be said because most of my close friends are going through difficult times and I have dried up my emotional resources. I have been crying at work every day because nothing I do it say helps them and a little voice at the back of my head is, once again, trying to tell me that I’m not good enough, that I’m worthless, that I don’t matter. But none of those things ate true. I know that now and I refuse to let those thoughts win.
I am enough. I matter. We all are and we all do. So this is for my friends. And this is for everyone out there who may feel lost or hurt or sad. You aren’t alone. I’m here.
This whole train of thought started with the stars. Do you ever look at them? Really look at them? They connect us in a way that we can’t even imagine. They are the same stars that your grandparents looked at and the same ones your grandchildren will look at and the same ones someone on the other side if the world sees. They are the past, present, and future. And what’s even cooler is that by the time their light reaches us they are usually already dead, so its like we are looking into the past while seeing the future. And we are all a part of them. The cosmic dust that falls to earth becomes a part of us is some small way.
We are all the same in that we are different. We get to made decisions and think and feel and form our own opinions and love and even hate if we want to. We are all beautiful creatures and…we all hate each other. We do. We hate the very thing that brings us together. Just because someone has a certain political view or believes in a different religion or has more money than you or less money than you or lives on the wrong side of town or…anything. We find all these different things to dislike about each other instead of seeing how beautiful it is that we can each be completely different from each other. We are unique. Each and every one of us. We are ourselves, and we can’t be anything else. So we judge. And we find something in others that we don’t like. And we dwell. But life is beautiful and amazing, just like us. But we don’t even like ourselves; we project our dislike onto others because, well, because we’re human. We are told that we aren’t good enough, or that different is bad. But guess what? It isn’t. Different is beautiful. We all have flaws. We all fall in love with the wrong person. Few of us are content with where we are in life. There is always something lacking in our lives. And that’s okay. But I think, what isn’t okay, is to hold onto all these insecurities and “downfalls” and allow them to fester.
I used to be so depressed I went to bed every night hoping I wouldn’t wake up and not just because I didn’t like my life or myself, but also because I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that nobody else in the world seemed to either. There is death and destruction everywhere. We start wars based on beliefs someone else has. Shakespeare said, “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” And I think that is true. I won’t say that war is good, that is definitely false, but it was thinking that lead someone to think that a war was needed. Shit just is. Someone is going to believe differently from you but that isn’t a bad thing until you think it is. Now, it took me years to get to the point I finally reached a little over a month ago, but now that I’m here life is fucking fantastic. But that quote helped. Every thought I had put me where I was. I held on to every damn thing and turned it into a negative and I will be the first to admit that it was in no way healthy.
I’m not positive what it was but one day it just clicked and suddenly I understood what I needed to do, what I wanted to do, and how to get there. It may not work for you, but it may help you on the way to your own personal clarity. I finally realized and accepted that I can’t change the way people think, feel, or act, but I CAN change all those things about me. Instead of looking at everything in my life under a microscope and analyzing it I decided that everything I have ever done lead me to the point I’m at; a point that I’m not exactly happy with but at the same time could be much worse. I have a roof over my head, a job that doesn’t totally suck, friends whom I love dearly, an amazing family, and hope. I hold on to hope with every essence of my being. I truly believe that I will get exactly where I want in life simply because I want to. The truth is that nobody else will get me where I want to be, I have to rely on myself and guess what? I’m pretty frickin reliable!
Sure, life sucks sometimes, but when I get in that state of mind I just laugh it off and remember that life happens. All around us. Every day. Every moment, every memory, every experience is ours to keep. And we get to decide what we do and how we do it and what we take from it. We can take all the bad or we can take the good. Being broken up with sucks. Especially when you know they have gone back to someone else or are still in love with someone else. You tell yourself you aren’t good enough. You spend hours every day trying to figure out why that person is better than you when you KNOW they aren’t, when the person even told you that you were better! But you can’t change them. You can only change yourself. You can know that they missed out. Cry. Scream. Be angry. But don’t hate yourself. Because it isn’t you and you will never understand. You won’t understand because it doesn’t make sense. It just doesn’t. Love doesn’t come with rationale. Love is passion and stupidity and intuition. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. At some point though, you have to realize that you will be okay. You will! Your heart is broken, true. But it will heal. And that scar will be there to remind you that you hit bottom and clawed your way back to the top crying and broken and in pain and unsure. But you did it, and you can do it again. The best part? You have all those memories – the good and the bad – to remember forever. The bad you will learn from, the good you will smile from, and together they will continue to build you and mold you and create you. I always told myself that I wasn’t good enough. I always fell into that trap. But I am good enough. I’m perfect, in fact. Perfectly imperfect because I’m me and I make no excuses for it. Nor should you because you are also perfect in all your imperfections.
Every day is something new to look forward to. You get to wake up and live however the hell you want to. This morning I was down and struggling because of my inability to help out my friends; nothing I do or say seems to make them see anything in a positive light. But then I realized that all I can do is continue to be there for them, continue to shed that positive light on every damn thing, remind them that they are amazing and I am lucky to have them in my life and everybody else should feel lucky too. I can’t fix them, but I can be there for them every time they fall. And that goes for everyone out there – if you are the one hurting or if you are the one helping a friend out, always know that someone out there has been through it and someone out there wants to help. Whatever you can do is good enough. Right now I can’t do as much as I would like because, as I said earlier, I have given a little too much and neglected myself. I am grumpy and easily angered. However I have realized this and decided that this weekend I will go on a small trip (more on that in another post) just for me so I can recharge, refocus, and come back ready to face any problem that comes at me or my friends.
If you are stuck in a rut, unhappy, depressed, confused, hurt, or anything other than happy take a moment to reflect on what happened to get you where you are today. Was life shitty? Is life still shitty? Every day come up with one reason to smile. Mine is generally excessive amounts of coffee because no matter what I can rely on there being coffee somewhere. (Seriously, you have to start with the little things.) If you are mending a broken heart, start off telling yourself that you aren’t done forever, simply that now wasn’t ya’lls time. That one day you will be together again. It may or may not be true, you honestly don’t know, so why not believe that it will happen? That’s how I got over HIM. I started by believing that one day we would find each other again, and eventually rationality stepped in and I realized that HE wasn’t my one, but that meant my one was still out there and if that isn’t a happy thought then I don’t know what is!
Smile because you get to decide. Smile because you aren’t alone. Smile because you have friends. Smile because you are alive. Smile because…it confuses people. Just start with a smile. Then you can move on to turning one negative into a positive every day. I started out small and am now able to do it with everything while at the same time annoying the shit out of my friends with my unstoppable positivity! Soon I will have rainbows coming out of my ass. It’ll be beautiful!
Anyway, I will leave you with a few things to remember:
The thing about goodbyes is that it’s the beginning of a new hello.
Broken hearts mend and become stronger.
Scars are there to remind us of what we’ve been through and what we can handle.
A smile can fix your day.
Positive thoughts help not only you but the people around you.
Life is beautiful. Live it. Enjoy it. Love it. Because you only have this one, so why not make it great?
And, as usual, I have to sign off with something completely insane even though this was mostly a serious post…May your days be filled with syrup chugging contests and buckets full of water, glue, and glitter filled water balloons to throw at those particularly annoying people you may encounter. Remember to always sing in the bathroom, never let anyone see it was you who emptied the coffee pot, and keep glitter handy to throw at people – water balloon or not.
p.s. These photos came from another blogger I discovered via Facebook. You should check her out: A.D.D. Music Mamma
Yesterday was the third year anniversary of the big R. Throughout the day I was fine, then I went to my bar to hang out with a friend and it was okay…until the sun went down. Suddenly the sun went down on my day and I was in the dark, completely alone, in my own little world. I tried to play it off, push it to the back, pretend it wasn’t there, but eventually it pushed to the forefront. So there I was, sitting at the bar, suddenly on the verge of tears.
On the drive home I kept the tears back as much as I could but once I got home and shut the door to my room I couldn’t stop them. I know people have been through worse so I feel terrible for it, but I couldn’t help it. The memories are still slightly fresh and I have never had to be alone on that day. So I was alone and remembering everything and I felt violated all over again. And angry. And helpless. I let it consume me for a little bit but my friend helped pull me out of the darkness.
I had terrible dreams and woke up almost every hour but I made it through the night alone. And I suppose I will have to continue to face it alone if things keep going the way they do. (I told you I had no faith in myself being able to ACTUALLY make a relationship last.)
But today was okay. I was completely in my own world, that is for damn sure. Apparently co-workers attempted to talk to me and I completely ignored them right up until the end. They found this incredibly amusing, I found it rather annoying. Just leave me alone to do my work, damnit!
Anyway, kind of the whole point of this was that I have finally gotten good at protecting myself. I know how to handle things, no matter what, when they are thrown my way. I am very used to being left by men by now so that is quite easy to move on from – it sucks, I hate it, I want to cry and mope and…who knows what else, but when I get in that mode I always have a little voice in my head that reminds me how amazing I am. How I shouldn’t let a guy get me down. How it is his loss. And I remind myself of all the good things in my life. I have ridiculously amazing friends who love and care about me and I keep making more of them. I have a roof over my head. I have a family who loves me. I currently have a job. I have transportation. Every day I get to wake up and greet the new day. I have opportunities abounding with my writing and modeling. I have the ability to help other people and I get to in small ways each and every day. I’m alive – and that is fucking fantastic!
Sure, I get sad. In fact, I get sad a lot. But I put on a happy face and deal with it in my own special way. I rarely actually tell people when I am sad. Never tell anyone when I have suicidal thoughts anymore (which happens more often than I would like but I handle them.) I still have the urge to self harm almost daily but I deal with that as well – sometimes I come very close to letting it happen because I figure, “who will know?” but I can’t go through with it. Other times I know I WOULD go through with it so I take myself away from the opportunity. I could let it all overwhelm me like I used to but I am tired of that. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I have no reason to. I can only look what the future holds and all the possibilities out there. I choose to be positive, even when things are looking down. Even when I know I am facing depression smack in the face and it is just daring me to walk away. Even when I feel abandoned and alone. Even when people leave – because they always will as history consistently reminds me. Even when emotions overwhelm me; when I take on what my friends are feeling and I know I can’t help them. When I feel helpless and useless and worthless. All of that…all of that can change with the power of my own thoughts. I am the one who put the thoughts there in the first place so I can change them.
I used to miss HIM every day, thinking nobody would ever love me again and that I would never love anybody else again. And who knows, that may be true. Maybe nobody else will want me. But I like to believe that it will happen. I prefer to remember the good times, remember how happy I was and how happy I may be able to be with someone else in the future (granted they actually stick around long enough to let that happen). This is only a recent development, but it is a helpful one. If I ever see him again I’m not sure what I would do, chances are I would try to be there for him again if he wanted me because, as you know, I give people way more chances than they deserve. However, I do know one thing…I still love him. Maybe I’m not still in love with him, I’m not quite sure about that yet, but I definitely still love him and I know I always will. We were supposed to be married next year and we had named our two boys that I was convinced I would have. But now I have to look it as having a new opportunity. A new love. Possibly a new life. Hopefully something and someone who will treat me like I have been told I deserve to be treated.
Everyone deserves, you just have to keep reminding yourself of that.
This week I haven’t felt like I had anything good to talk about so I have several drafts saved but very little writing done. I’m not sure why nothing has been coming to me but it is incredibly frustrating. But here is a little recap of what my week was like:
- I got a free G5 computer from a friend because they didn’t want to go through selling it and knew I wanted it.
- A friend who I can’t imagine would have any reason to be jealous of me said she was jealous that I have a job I like so much. It made me realize that there is always something we have that someone else doesn’t and I shouldn’t get so down on myself for thinking I’m not making any progress in life.
- I learned that HE wasn’t exactly as loved by his friends as I thought he was and (I hate to admit it) but it made it a lot easier for me to stop thinking about him. When you find out that people were confused as to why you were with him, and thought he treated you like a dog, you start to think, “hey, maybe he wasn’t as much of a saint as I seem to think he was.” It also makes me wonder…”why the hell didn’t anybody say anything?” I always assumed since none of his friends said anything to him when he treated me like shit in front of them that it was okay – if one of my friends treated their significant other poorly I would say something. I suppose men are different.
- I finally got to go for a run/hike yesterday and it happened to be the most beautiful day in the history of ever. I got lost and ended up in the Nature Preserve for an hour. My endorphins were flowing so heavily I wanted to make love with the trees. It. Was. Awesome.
- Last night I played DD to a very good friend of mine and, even though I hit tired at 11:45 and didn’t get home until 6:00, I happened to have a lot of fun last night. Every once in awhile it is more fun to know you get to make sure your friend gets home safe than it is to get schwasty faced. Karma, baby.
I have had so much to say this week but I haven’t been able to find the words. I will continue to work on my drafts though because they have the potential to be great…or at least amusing.
I will also be working on answering this question: What do you like to do for fun?
Someone asked me that last night and I realized I couldn’t answer them – I don’t really know anymore. Or maybe I just don’t do what I like to. I dunno…I will have to think about it. How sad is that though? Not knowing what you like to do for fun? ::sigh::