As I sit at work, staring past my computer, daydreaming about a far away place where the water sparkles and the foliage spills over and I sit sunbathing on a rock, listening to the world around me, I am often jolted back to reality by the honk of a horn; the squeal of tires; the cacophony of an emergency vehicle zooming past – and I wonder, where are all these people going? What are they doing? Are they happy? Do they know if they are happy? Do they ever focus on their happiness or sadness or…mundane-ness?
Sometimes when I’m driving I completely zone out until I realize I have reached my destination and I wonder how exactly I got there. When I get in that zone I’m wondering where I am taking myself, why am I going here? To meet a friend? But why? To pay to eat less than satisfying food and have a drink and talk about nothing? To feel a little less alone in the world? Don’t I want more than this? I know I do. So what am I doing to change it? I can’t do much to change my activities – most of what I want to do requires money. But I am trying to change my outlook. I feel best when I am helping others but I keep being told that in order to help others I have to help myself first…
I recently realized that I am keeping myself from the things I love because I have been depressed and unwilling to force myself to go out and have fun, or do the activity that I have been jonesing to do for awhile. I miss him and every time I try to tell myself to move on, to focus on myself he pops back into my head, reminding me of how much I miss what we had; the way he made me laugh; his hugs. It is incredibly difficult. More difficult than I ever imaged. I have been through some pretty rough times and those were easier to overcome that this is proving to be. But, apparently, in order to love you must first love yourself. I would like to say that I do love myself, but I have realized that on most days I struggle with it.
Ideas like: I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m worthless. I’m incapable of everything. Nobody will ever love me again. My friends don’t really like me, they just put up with me. I’m not good enough. Negative, after negative, after negative.
I can be positive for anybody else – everyone else is good enough and pretty enough and skinny enough, but me? No. Apparently I hold myself to higher standards. I must be perfect or else. It isn’t always like this, but I have days when I feel like I have a few anvils balancing on my head, pushing me down.
There is nothing about me that sets me apart from a crowd, I live a generally mundane life, I too drive around like the cars I watch every day with no real destination in life. Sometimes I settle into my routine and other times I begin to panic, thinking I’m not pushing myself enough, not getting out enough, not living enough. Am I like the cars I see go by? Am I making an endless venture into the world I want to know so much about? Am I really living? Am I embracing life? What is it that I want?
When I get into this funk I think to myself, “all I want is to drive around the world discovering new…everything. Having adventures. Meeting new people. Living. I feel like my life is on pause, sure I am moving forward – I am back in school, I have a new job lined up, I may get a new place soon, I have friends, blah, blah, blah. But what am I doing to better myself and the world? Am I making an impact? Do I matter? Will I matter? Can I?
Am I just a car, moving steadily through life, stopping at each new destination but never really arriving anywhere?
Some days I feel like the future is waiting for me, anxious to discover my next move. Other days I feel like I will never amount to the person I want to become. I will never reach my destination. And why is it that I feel like losing the love of my life will bring my life to a screeching halt? Why can I be so positive on one day and cry every hour the next?
Where is that strength I pride myself on? Where is the Sara that sees an obstacle and devises a way around it? I know she is here, I guess she just likes to take sabbaticals some times.
Even as I’m writing this I realize how I am letting the negative overwhelm me. “Life is what you make it” a little voice is telling me. “Never give up” it says. “You are more than you know.” I suppose as long as I keep in mind that I want to do more than I am doing, I will. Just because I can’t quite yet, doesn’t mean that I won’t be striving to do it and working towards it.
My mind is an incredibly confusing place. Definitely need to meditate.
You know those times in life that you feel alone? When you are trying to be a better you and everyone seems to be trying to keep you down, and you feel like it is pointless, like none of your friends understand? Well sometimes those are the moments when, if you keep going, something amazing will happen. If you continue to listen to your heart and connect to yourself you will find that what you need, who you need, is out there – possibly in the most unassuming place.
The world is on your side whether or not it seems that way. Those days when everything seems to be colluding against you are simply challenges you get to overcome and later feel great about. Imagine if we always gave up…how would our self esteem look then? The harder you push when circumstances are difficult, the easier it becomes to overcome obstacles later on in life.
I was told yesterday by someone that an obstacle I over came was inspiring. I never thought of it that way and it brought tears to my eyes (not that that is a difficult feat these days, but still) and made me feel really great about myself. I hadn’t been looking for a pat on the back or even encouragement, but there it was. Offered in kind by someone I am only just getting to know. It is amazing the impact people can have on you, and it is usually from the most random and unsuspecting people in your life. Sometimes I wish it hadn’t happened, but at the same time it has made me exponentially stronger. It has helped me to realize that I can make it through pretty much anything.
I remember when it first happened going through the stage of “maybe it was my fault. Maybe I asked for it. Maybe I deserved it.” Learning to love yourself again after something like that happens to you seems impossible at first. Even though it isn’t your fault, you can feel like it is. I always thought if I had paid more attention in my one self defense class I could have prevented it. I started shoulding all over myself and soon I didn’t hate him, I hated myself. Hated my body. Hated everything and everyone. But somehow, through showers of tears, miles of soul-searching, and hours of conversation I was able to find the way back to myself. My much stronger, more empowered self. I reconnected and reaffirmed my belief in myself.
And even though I was able to overcome it, I still go through my down days. I still have weeks and sometimes months when I feel eeyorish and picture my own personal thundercloud following me around, raining on my…everything. So when out of nowhere I am on the receiving end of kind words that uplift me and help me when I didn’t even know I needed help, it is then that I remember how much the universe wants me to succeed. Wants me to have faith. To continue being me. Psychotic, sarcastic, loving, laughing, crying, caring, me. And I will, because, honestly, what other choice do I have?
Love yourself. Live your life. Connect to the best possible you.