I’m pretty messed up. Some days I feel like I am completely falling apart and I can’t figure out how to put myself back together because I swear some of the pieces are missing. During the week I mostly feel lost and disconnected from reality unless I am talking to either my soulmate or – more recently – Mr. Perfect (because he has become one of my closest friends – seriously, people should break up more often!) since they don’t need me to explain myself, they just get me! Today was strange. Really strange. Especially after this weekend.
To give you a short and succinct recap of this weekend that will make absolutely no sense to you I shall make a list:
- I popped someone’s Freebirds cherry.
- Greasy guy throwing fire and creepy girls.
- Ferd F-teenthousand.
- Not being allowed to fight someone.
- UG and a leprechaun on a bender.
- Dancing like a fool.
- Strip club and vomit (not mine, mind you).
- Afghanie mating call and uncontrollable giggling.
- Ass biting.
- Traffic Control Tower.
Things that are on reserve for another weekend: Super Blow Pop, Capes, Supermarket Fun, and the Grim Reaper and Cupid.
This might have been the best weekend ever! Mr. Perfect and I have completely way too much fun together; even though we were hanging out with his friends, I think we were still having more fun by ourselves. But his friends are pretty awesome too…damn him for being awesome AND having awesome friends. It makes my life way too boring when I’m not enjoying their company.
Like today…being jolted back into reality this morning was much like being dropped into a pool of ice water. I was discombobulated and unhappy. After a weekend of feeling completely like myself I felt like I was suddenly transported back into time to a place of sadness and despair – a place I thought I had gotten away from. I feel stuck in the past right now and I want to make it back to the present but I’m not sure how to get there. I am doing everything I can to be able to move back out on my own but of course saving up money is not easy, it takes time. But I am impatient. And messed up.
One of the main things I really love about Mr. Perfect is that he calls me out on my shit when I am being stupid. I generally resist and tell him he is wrong, but probably about half the time I soon realize that he is right (BUT DON’T TELL HIM THAT!!!). Like this weekend, I was reminded once again about how much HE ruined my self esteem and self worth. Well, I suppose HE didn’t do it, I let him – but he contributed to it. I still feel unattractive, unworthy, useless, unlovable, and pretty much a pointless person. I have little mantras that I use to combat those thoughts daily but when they don’t work, I feel like shit. But I have no reason to. I have friends, people like me, everybody is worthwhile, and I suppose I’m not that unattractive. Unfortunately I still hold on to the belief that I can make one bad move, say or do one wrong thing, make one bad decision and everyone I love will leave me and all my friends will abandon me. I feel like I am constantly one step away from being left or unfriended or unloved. I just feel like everybody is better than me. Like all girls are more interesting and beautiful than I am. I somehow always end up in friend zone or the fuckable but not datable zone. There is more to me though. I’m not just a toy. I am actually kind of cool. Some may even say awesome. But never awesome enough. Or so I think from time to time….well, most times.
I just have to keep reminding myself that the best thing about me (about everyone, really) I am me. Through and through. I’m crazy and strange and awkward and intelligent and caring and funny and…ridiculous. I have flaws. Lots of them. I’m perfectly imperfect. I am worth something because I care. I care deep and love true. I am loyal and trustworthy and would drop everything for a friend. But one thing I am not, is two people. I get quite lonely. I love having people around that make me feel whole and like I have a place in this world. And when I’m not around them I feel lost and unsure and confused. Because, for some reason, I am scared to death that when I am not around they will forget about me, or decide they are done with me. Every time I leave I am afraid it will be the last time I will see them. Every time I end a conversation I’m scared it will be the last.
I’m sure I will get over this because I know, deep down, it isn’t true. But I am tired of battling it. I am tired of having to remind myself that I am worth something. What gives me hope is that I have been far worse than this before. Back then I wasn’t even capable of saying I was worth something. I wouldn’t let myself. I know everything will be okay eventually. On my good days (which are becoming much more frequent) I don’t constantly have to battle negative thoughts. I even have confidence on those days. And those are the best days!
This morning I woke up to a beautiful text from my best friend. Most mornings start off dark and I have to push through to find this light. I kind of look it like waking up in pitch black and stumbling around until you find a source of light, a candle, and think of a way to light it. But this morning when I woke up in my Dark Room there was already a candle lit for me:
“I just wanted to tell you that I love you, and you are one of the most important people in my life. You can never be replaced or forgotten. You are one of a kind and my one and only soulmate.”
It was 7:30 and my first thought was, “who the hell is texting me this early?!” As soon as I saw who it was from I softened, this girl could call me at three in the morning and I wouldn’t mind, she is irreplacable and keeps me going on my worst days. A smile immediately stole across my face and I thought to myself, “this is going to be a good day.” How could it not? I woke up to the knowledge that there is a person out there who loves me, and is there anything else to be more grateful for than that?
When I finally got out of bed I was slightly discombobulated – I had had crazy dreams. Beyond crazy. Those kinds of dreams that you wake from wondering if they were real, or if the person you dreamed of is going to mean something to you. Will I meet this person? Is he real? Why do I keep seeing my love in my dreams – keep seeing him just beyond reach. What did this all mean? Does it even mean anything? Sometimes I like dreams that leave you wondering, but this morning I didn’t want it. I have been trying to move on, stop thinking about him, but my dreams refuse to let me; my thoughts always find a way to remember him.
Instead of focusing on him and my dream I focused on the text. On the day. Trying to make a conscious decision to make today a good day. What other candles could I light?
- It is August in Texas and it is 70 degrees outside and raining. Now, rain can make me go either way – sometimes it is incredibly difficult to be happy on rainy days because depression can creep in and make that rain cloud move over your head as well. Eeyorish days can be difficult to escape from. But sometimes rain is my favorite. I do some of my best writing when I am just sitting and listening to the rain pound on the roof, and drip though the trees. So I choose to make the rain another candle, not snuff out my already lit one.
- Over three weeks ago I went to an open call for a charity runway show and they said we would hear from them within a week. I didn’t get an email or a phone call so I assumed I hadn’t gotten a spot. It would have been a great opportunity and I was really hoping I wohad impressed someone enough to be chosen. There was no pay but it was for a great charity and I would get pictures and a video from it plus it is an international show so I would get exposure. And then last night at 11 I got an email from someone giving me the rehearsal schedule for the event and apologizing for getting back to me so late. I had completely forgotten about the show, after I hadn’t heard anything I just believed that some other opportunity would come along later. Recently I have been really trying to change my thoughts and maybe this had something to do with it, I don’t know, but I am going to believe that the good vibes I have been putting out there are returning to me. Maybe things are really going to start happening for me.
- I will be going skydiving next month. I have wanted to sky dive for a really long time and I just happened to bring it up to a friend who is also trying to live her life for herself instead of other people and it just so happened that she and her friends already had an outing planned. So I joined in. And last night, when I saw the schedule for the rehearsals my heart dropped; there was going to be a rehearsal on the Sunday of the dive and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do both…I would have to choose the runway show or skydiving. Then this morning I have an email from the group saying that the date has been changed from a Sunday to a Saturday. Coincidence? Maybe. But…I don’t believe in coincidence.
- This is my last week at this job. There is really nothing better than knowing you are going from a job you dread waking up in the morning for to a job that is quite possibly your dream job.
- Because of the new job I will be starting I will be able to move back into my own place.
- I put down my deposit to get my dragon tattoo finished last night and scheduled my appointment for August 31st. I think it will be a great way to end one hell of an August.
- I start school again on Monday. I have been out of school for awhile because I couldn’t decide on a major and didn’t have the money to pay for it. But I have finally chosen (English and Computer Science) and I will finally get that degree I have so longed for.
Even as I write this negative thoughts are trying to blow out my candles. But I will try to turn every negative into a positive. Every “no” into a “yes”. Every “I can’t” into an “I can.” Every “you’re not good enough” into an, “hell yes I am!”
Perception is reality, right? I have changed my perception and my reality. Or at least I am trying to.
To add another candle to my Dark Room I will end this post with my favorite quote:
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” ~ Shakespeare