I made a video blog awhile ago that I never posted because the sound wasn’t matching up with the video and I couldn’t figure out how to fix it so I’m going to try again, with the written word. I feel like this needs to be said because most of my close friends are going through difficult times and I have dried up my emotional resources. I have been crying at work every day because nothing I do it say helps them and a little voice at the back of my head is, once again, trying to tell me that I’m not good enough, that I’m worthless, that I don’t matter. But none of those things ate true. I know that now and I refuse to let those thoughts win.
I am enough. I matter. We all are and we all do. So this is for my friends. And this is for everyone out there who may feel lost or hurt or sad. You aren’t alone. I’m here.
This whole train of thought started with the stars. Do you ever look at them? Really look at them? They connect us in a way that we can’t even imagine. They are the same stars that your grandparents looked at and the same ones your grandchildren will look at and the same ones someone on the other side if the world sees. They are the past, present, and future. And what’s even cooler is that by the time their light reaches us they are usually already dead, so its like we are looking into the past while seeing the future. And we are all a part of them. The cosmic dust that falls to earth becomes a part of us is some small way.
We are all the same in that we are different. We get to made decisions and think and feel and form our own opinions and love and even hate if we want to. We are all beautiful creatures and…we all hate each other. We do. We hate the very thing that brings us together. Just because someone has a certain political view or believes in a different religion or has more money than you or less money than you or lives on the wrong side of town or…anything. We find all these different things to dislike about each other instead of seeing how beautiful it is that we can each be completely different from each other. We are unique. Each and every one of us. We are ourselves, and we can’t be anything else. So we judge. And we find something in others that we don’t like. And we dwell. But life is beautiful and amazing, just like us. But we don’t even like ourselves; we project our dislike onto others because, well, because we’re human. We are told that we aren’t good enough, or that different is bad. But guess what? It isn’t. Different is beautiful. We all have flaws. We all fall in love with the wrong person. Few of us are content with where we are in life. There is always something lacking in our lives. And that’s okay. But I think, what isn’t okay, is to hold onto all these insecurities and “downfalls” and allow them to fester.
I used to be so depressed I went to bed every night hoping I wouldn’t wake up and not just because I didn’t like my life or myself, but also because I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that nobody else in the world seemed to either. There is death and destruction everywhere. We start wars based on beliefs someone else has. Shakespeare said, “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” And I think that is true. I won’t say that war is good, that is definitely false, but it was thinking that lead someone to think that a war was needed. Shit just is. Someone is going to believe differently from you but that isn’t a bad thing until you think it is. Now, it took me years to get to the point I finally reached a little over a month ago, but now that I’m here life is fucking fantastic. But that quote helped. Every thought I had put me where I was. I held on to every damn thing and turned it into a negative and I will be the first to admit that it was in no way healthy.
I’m not positive what it was but one day it just clicked and suddenly I understood what I needed to do, what I wanted to do, and how to get there. It may not work for you, but it may help you on the way to your own personal clarity. I finally realized and accepted that I can’t change the way people think, feel, or act, but I CAN change all those things about me. Instead of looking at everything in my life under a microscope and analyzing it I decided that everything I have ever done lead me to the point I’m at; a point that I’m not exactly happy with but at the same time could be much worse. I have a roof over my head, a job that doesn’t totally suck, friends whom I love dearly, an amazing family, and hope. I hold on to hope with every essence of my being. I truly believe that I will get exactly where I want in life simply because I want to. The truth is that nobody else will get me where I want to be, I have to rely on myself and guess what? I’m pretty frickin reliable!
Sure, life sucks sometimes, but when I get in that state of mind I just laugh it off and remember that life happens. All around us. Every day. Every moment, every memory, every experience is ours to keep. And we get to decide what we do and how we do it and what we take from it. We can take all the bad or we can take the good. Being broken up with sucks. Especially when you know they have gone back to someone else or are still in love with someone else. You tell yourself you aren’t good enough. You spend hours every day trying to figure out why that person is better than you when you KNOW they aren’t, when the person even told you that you were better! But you can’t change them. You can only change yourself. You can know that they missed out. Cry. Scream. Be angry. But don’t hate yourself. Because it isn’t you and you will never understand. You won’t understand because it doesn’t make sense. It just doesn’t. Love doesn’t come with rationale. Love is passion and stupidity and intuition. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. At some point though, you have to realize that you will be okay. You will! Your heart is broken, true. But it will heal. And that scar will be there to remind you that you hit bottom and clawed your way back to the top crying and broken and in pain and unsure. But you did it, and you can do it again. The best part? You have all those memories – the good and the bad – to remember forever. The bad you will learn from, the good you will smile from, and together they will continue to build you and mold you and create you. I always told myself that I wasn’t good enough. I always fell into that trap. But I am good enough. I’m perfect, in fact. Perfectly imperfect because I’m me and I make no excuses for it. Nor should you because you are also perfect in all your imperfections.
Every day is something new to look forward to. You get to wake up and live however the hell you want to. This morning I was down and struggling because of my inability to help out my friends; nothing I do or say seems to make them see anything in a positive light. But then I realized that all I can do is continue to be there for them, continue to shed that positive light on every damn thing, remind them that they are amazing and I am lucky to have them in my life and everybody else should feel lucky too. I can’t fix them, but I can be there for them every time they fall. And that goes for everyone out there – if you are the one hurting or if you are the one helping a friend out, always know that someone out there has been through it and someone out there wants to help. Whatever you can do is good enough. Right now I can’t do as much as I would like because, as I said earlier, I have given a little too much and neglected myself. I am grumpy and easily angered. However I have realized this and decided that this weekend I will go on a small trip (more on that in another post) just for me so I can recharge, refocus, and come back ready to face any problem that comes at me or my friends.
If you are stuck in a rut, unhappy, depressed, confused, hurt, or anything other than happy take a moment to reflect on what happened to get you where you are today. Was life shitty? Is life still shitty? Every day come up with one reason to smile. Mine is generally excessive amounts of coffee because no matter what I can rely on there being coffee somewhere. (Seriously, you have to start with the little things.) If you are mending a broken heart, start off telling yourself that you aren’t done forever, simply that now wasn’t ya’lls time. That one day you will be together again. It may or may not be true, you honestly don’t know, so why not believe that it will happen? That’s how I got over HIM. I started by believing that one day we would find each other again, and eventually rationality stepped in and I realized that HE wasn’t my one, but that meant my one was still out there and if that isn’t a happy thought then I don’t know what is!
Smile because you get to decide. Smile because you aren’t alone. Smile because you have friends. Smile because you are alive. Smile because…it confuses people. Just start with a smile. Then you can move on to turning one negative into a positive every day. I started out small and am now able to do it with everything while at the same time annoying the shit out of my friends with my unstoppable positivity! Soon I will have rainbows coming out of my ass. It’ll be beautiful!
Anyway, I will leave you with a few things to remember:
The thing about goodbyes is that it’s the beginning of a new hello.
Broken hearts mend and become stronger.
Scars are there to remind us of what we’ve been through and what we can handle.
A smile can fix your day.
Positive thoughts help not only you but the people around you.
Life is beautiful. Live it. Enjoy it. Love it. Because you only have this one, so why not make it great?
And, as usual, I have to sign off with something completely insane even though this was mostly a serious post…May your days be filled with syrup chugging contests and buckets full of water, glue, and glitter filled water balloons to throw at those particularly annoying people you may encounter. Remember to always sing in the bathroom, never let anyone see it was you who emptied the coffee pot, and keep glitter handy to throw at people – water balloon or not.
p.s. These photos came from another blogger I discovered via Facebook. You should check her out: A.D.D. Music Mamma
I’m pretty messed up. Some days I feel like I am completely falling apart and I can’t figure out how to put myself back together because I swear some of the pieces are missing. During the week I mostly feel lost and disconnected from reality unless I am talking to either my soulmate or – more recently – Mr. Perfect (because he has become one of my closest friends – seriously, people should break up more often!) since they don’t need me to explain myself, they just get me! Today was strange. Really strange. Especially after this weekend.
To give you a short and succinct recap of this weekend that will make absolutely no sense to you I shall make a list:
- I popped someone’s Freebirds cherry.
- Greasy guy throwing fire and creepy girls.
- Ferd F-teenthousand.
- Not being allowed to fight someone.
- UG and a leprechaun on a bender.
- Dancing like a fool.
- Strip club and vomit (not mine, mind you).
- Afghanie mating call and uncontrollable giggling.
- Ass biting.
- Traffic Control Tower.
Things that are on reserve for another weekend: Super Blow Pop, Capes, Supermarket Fun, and the Grim Reaper and Cupid.
This might have been the best weekend ever! Mr. Perfect and I have completely way too much fun together; even though we were hanging out with his friends, I think we were still having more fun by ourselves. But his friends are pretty awesome too…damn him for being awesome AND having awesome friends. It makes my life way too boring when I’m not enjoying their company.
Like today…being jolted back into reality this morning was much like being dropped into a pool of ice water. I was discombobulated and unhappy. After a weekend of feeling completely like myself I felt like I was suddenly transported back into time to a place of sadness and despair – a place I thought I had gotten away from. I feel stuck in the past right now and I want to make it back to the present but I’m not sure how to get there. I am doing everything I can to be able to move back out on my own but of course saving up money is not easy, it takes time. But I am impatient. And messed up.
One of the main things I really love about Mr. Perfect is that he calls me out on my shit when I am being stupid. I generally resist and tell him he is wrong, but probably about half the time I soon realize that he is right (BUT DON’T TELL HIM THAT!!!). Like this weekend, I was reminded once again about how much HE ruined my self esteem and self worth. Well, I suppose HE didn’t do it, I let him – but he contributed to it. I still feel unattractive, unworthy, useless, unlovable, and pretty much a pointless person. I have little mantras that I use to combat those thoughts daily but when they don’t work, I feel like shit. But I have no reason to. I have friends, people like me, everybody is worthwhile, and I suppose I’m not that unattractive. Unfortunately I still hold on to the belief that I can make one bad move, say or do one wrong thing, make one bad decision and everyone I love will leave me and all my friends will abandon me. I feel like I am constantly one step away from being left or unfriended or unloved. I just feel like everybody is better than me. Like all girls are more interesting and beautiful than I am. I somehow always end up in friend zone or the fuckable but not datable zone. There is more to me though. I’m not just a toy. I am actually kind of cool. Some may even say awesome. But never awesome enough. Or so I think from time to time….well, most times.
I just have to keep reminding myself that the best thing about me (about everyone, really) I am me. Through and through. I’m crazy and strange and awkward and intelligent and caring and funny and…ridiculous. I have flaws. Lots of them. I’m perfectly imperfect. I am worth something because I care. I care deep and love true. I am loyal and trustworthy and would drop everything for a friend. But one thing I am not, is two people. I get quite lonely. I love having people around that make me feel whole and like I have a place in this world. And when I’m not around them I feel lost and unsure and confused. Because, for some reason, I am scared to death that when I am not around they will forget about me, or decide they are done with me. Every time I leave I am afraid it will be the last time I will see them. Every time I end a conversation I’m scared it will be the last.
I’m sure I will get over this because I know, deep down, it isn’t true. But I am tired of battling it. I am tired of having to remind myself that I am worth something. What gives me hope is that I have been far worse than this before. Back then I wasn’t even capable of saying I was worth something. I wouldn’t let myself. I know everything will be okay eventually. On my good days (which are becoming much more frequent) I don’t constantly have to battle negative thoughts. I even have confidence on those days. And those are the best days!
Today should have been a good day by all accounts – but I found you haunting me all day. When I am alone you enter my mind. When I try not to think about you, you appear. Tears well in my eyes and I have to brush them away before they are allowed to trace tracks down my cheeks, giving me away.
You are probably fine. You probably don’t care about me anymore. Maybe even hardly remember me. But I remember you. I remember your laugh, and your hug, and your touch. The way you would make me feel calm with a hug. Turn a moment of sadness into hysterical laughter.
They say I will get over you. I will forget you. I will move on. But I still don’t want to. I still believe. I still hope.
Is it stupid? Is it in vain? I don’t care.
I’m tired of being told what to think or what to do. I am dealing in my own special way and I will make it. I try to focus my energy on myself and what I want, but that doesn’t mean I can’t keep him in my meditations. I still send him good thoughts, hoping he is okay and well and that he will get everything he wants in life. I don’t care if he doesn’t wish the same for me because I don’t know, maybe he does. All I know is that I can’t send him negative thoughts, I can only think good things about him, no matter what he has done to me. People may think I am wasting my time and energy, but I don’t think I am. And I think that’s all that matters.
I don’t do angry well. I can’t be mad at him. I can only ask “why?” I will never know, but I will always know that through it all I never lost faith in him. I always believed in him. And that is more than I can say for most people.
I will continue to do what I am doing. I will still cry. But I will also still live. I will keep going forward and living for myself and hope that somewhere along the way something will change. Maybe I will finally be able to let go. I don’t know what will happen, but neither does anybody else.
Tomorrow is another day. Next month will be full of them. Next year as well. I have a lot of days left to take on – but I will manage. And every day I will remind you that I love you. I will hope for your happiness, and continue to work on mine.
Sorrow can be found in the most unexpected of places. Out with friends to but a difficult weekend behind us I found it. Sitting next to me. I had only met him once before and…this time he was different.
Drunk with sadness, despair, suffering, and longing he said, “I shouldn’t be alive.” I hardly knew him but he explained that it was the anniversary of his best friends death. They had been in the army together and he was the only one who made it home. When I heard this my heart broke. I had never been in the presence of such sadness from someone else and I felt so helpless. I wanted to do or say something to make him feel better but I knew I had no comfort for him. He was in his darkest place and he wouldn’t be coming out any time soon. I sat there passivly as two other guys tried to console him, agreeing with him, understanding how difficult battle is. But I couldn’t get what he said out of my head…”I shouldn’t be alive.” It jolted me back to the times when I have thought that; thought I didn’t deserve to be alive, that it was all pointless, that nothing would change, that only sadness would be present for the rest of my life. How did I get past it? Have I gotten past it? How selfish I had been!?! This man, this lost soul, had actually been through hardship and devestation. He had truly suffered. But me? No. Not like that.
As I sat there many emotions ran through me. I would be a hypocrite if I told him not to think that way when I myself had been through that. And I didn’t have any experiences to relate to his so how could I possibly give him any insight into moving on? For the first time in a long time I felt completely useless and unhelpful. Usually I can offer something, but this time there was nothing I could do. I wanted to take all his pain away but I knew I couldn’t. I wanted to help him, but he couldn’t be helped. He didn’t want to be helped. Just like I didn’t want to be helped when I was in that place. Death seems like a relief when you are in that dark place, and I could see it in his eyes. Read it in his face. Feel it in his presence.
Here I am, trying to better myself, trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, trying to change my thinking and look at all the beauty in the world and there he is…defeated, unhappy, and lost. I have come leaps and bounds from that place and it was like I was staring into the face of the old evil I used to deal with every day. There it was. Living in another soul. Destroying it. Tearing it down. I can’t help him, but I can do everything in my power to save myself from ever being there again. I can only hope that I will meet him again, and…who knows, maybe something in me will pass on to him and help him in some small way. I don’t want to make everything better for him, but I want to show him that you can move on. It is a slow process, and while I know I have never been in his situation I know that he should be alive. He is here and life is ready for him. We are all damaged. Some more than others. But there is a strength in us that we are unaware of; a strength that you only recognize once you have picked yourself up and set yourself back on your path.
Even if life doesn’t seem worth it, we can find something out there for us. For me it is always the small things – the old couple still enjoying each others company, the used book you find speaks so loudly to you it was like someone wrote it with you in mind, a soft breeze on a warm day, a summer storm. Connect with yourself. Connect with the world. Let yourself be. Stop holding yourself back. Go for it. Do it. You’re ready.
This year has been strange to say the least. I have gone through more depression than I thought possible. I discovered I have PTSD from events in my childhood in addition to my clinical depression. I have lost love – a love nobody will ever understand or accept – a love I hope I can get back one day. I have been to the emergency room, experienced psychotic episodes, and most recently I have had my first allergic reaction to medication in the form of a seizure. It’s been scary, but I fight through it because I have to. Because I can’t show that I am weak. Because I have to be strong.
Everybody wants you to be happy. What do you have to complain about, right? What do you have to be depressed about? Which really only makes you feel worse because sometimes you can’t put your finger on it, sometimes you just are. Depression can come at you out of nowhere. You can wake up crying for no reason and have to pull yourself out of bed, remind yourself that you need to look presentable, talk yourself into getting dressed, convince yourself that it will get better even though you feel like you are in the deepest pit of despair and would rather hide in a small dark space than face anybody. But you do it because you are told you have to. Because they say it is what’s best for you. And maybe it is, but in that moment, it isn’t. It is so exhausting having to put on a happy face for the world; having to interact and pretend everything is just peachy; having to hide the fact that you are ready to burst into tears any second.
But what if I don’t want to be happy? What if I would prefer content? Because happy seems so far out of reach…so far removed from what I know that, well, it’s depressing. I don’t seek happiness, I seek contentment; peace. I want someone to understand that I’m okay being sad – it is something I can deal with because I have had to since I could count my age on my fingers. To be honest it is a comfort. A crazy, psychotic, can’t-understand-it-myself, cozy little comforter that I can hide under when things become overwhelming. Why? Because I don’t understand happiness, it honestly scares the shit out of me. It is this strange emotion that I have to ease myself into and if I don’t realize I am there and then it suddenly hits me, I panic. What am I supposed to do with happiness? There are people in this world who aren’t happy, who need help, who are suffering, so what right do I have to be happy? I don’t like it. I can deal with contentment. With being at peace. But happiness is just fucking scary.
When I had my love happiness wasn’t as scary because it was our happiness. As dysfunctional as our relationship was, it worked. And it is the only type of relationship I want, damn it! I am by no means normal, so why in the world would I want a cookie-cutter relationship? Very few people understand this…actually…I’m not sure anybody I know understands this, but I honestly don’t give a shit. I am not widely accepted as it is so I don’t expect my relationships to be either. Losing that love has been the most difficult, unbearable pain I have ever have to experience. That was months ago and I still cry about it. I still miss him. And more than likely I will never stop loving him. He fit. He made sense. Very little in this world does so, to me, he was perfect.
So yeah, maybe I shouldn’t dwell on the past. Maybe I should be grateful for everything I have and focus on only that, but I’m sorry, I can’t. Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful, I am, but I am also human, and feel emotions very deeply – so I won’t be able to just get over it. I won’t be able to say to myself, “hey, get over it, move on, stop being sad,” because that’s my fuel. It is how I drive myself to do more, do better, do anything. I feel stronger when I make it through a day without crying. I feel stronger when I force myself to do something I don’t want to, which is pretty much everything. If I let my depression take over my life I would be in bed right now, crying, wondering how to move on with my life. But I’m not, I’m here at work (obviously working very diligently) and I go out, I make friends, I live. And it isn’t the hope of happiness that drives me, it is more the wonder of the world that I am able to see because of my depression. I love observing people who seem happy, alive, wonderful. I will never be like those people, but I’m perfectly fine with that because I love being me. I will take my depression, my psychotic episodes, the friends that don’t understand and don’t care – because everything I go through, and have been through, make me who I am. And I’m pretty weird, thanks so much! But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Who wants to be normal, anyway? So. Boring.