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Losing Control

I had been doing so well.  I hadn’t thought about HIM excessively for awhile and then Friday night he hit like a ton of bricks.  I was out with friends and I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to lock myself in a stall and just completely lose control.  Racking sobs doubled me over – I was gone, back to where I had been so many months ago, and I had no idea where it came from.  The friends I was with were people I had met because of HIM, but I had hung out with them several times, at that same bar no less, but suddenly I couldn’t stand it.  Suddenly HE was everywhere.  And since then I haven’t been able to shake him.  I’m having dreams again.  Vivid dreams, where he makes me feel worthless, and says things to imply that he never cared for me.  I wake up feeling like it all just happened.  And it hurts.  And I can’t explain it.

I just…I miss him.  And I hate that I do.  I’m stronger than this.  I have to be – with everything that I have gone through and overcome, I must be.  Yet I can’t let him go.  I don’t want to.  It’s almost as though I want to torture myself, which is unfortunately completely plausible.  I thought he was my one, and I still do.  And maybe he is, or was.  I do want to love again but every time I try to get to know someone new it just isn’t the same.  Nobody grabs my attention.  I know it has only been a few months so it isn’t as though I will find someone automatically, but even before him nobody really drew me in.  Only him.

I want to have a companion but I don’t want someone to actually like me.  I just want someone to hang out with.  Someone who won’t fall for me.  Someone who will just be there.  Maybe someone as mixed up and confused as I am.  That would be nice.  Someone who I could just hang out with and not have to explain my random bouts of depression.  Someone I can lose control around and they will understand, and not ask questions.  Questions make everything worse.  “What’s wrong?”  I don’t know.  I wish I knew, that might make things much easier – or maybe it would make it worse.  I try not to think about it but it always seems to be able to push it’s way to the front of my mind.

I know I should be able to get over it, but when I think that it only gets worse; I get down on myself for one more thing I’m bad at.  So I try to just let it play out – I figure it is something I will learn how to handle eventually.

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…it just means it will get better.

The past week has been difficult in my head.  I have been depressed and seriously negative and it has been difficult to transform those negative thoughts into positive ones.

I feel like everything I do is wrong.  I don’t know what makes me happy.  I feel lost.

I know that it will get better, as bad as it may seem now I know it has been much worse; I know I will get through it; I know things will work out.  But it is always difficult to remind yourself of that when your mind keeps telling you stupid shit like you are fat, and incapable of doing anything right, and just all-in-all a failure.

When I realize that I am getting down on myself I attempt to turn my thoughts around – remind myself that those are just thoughts trying to pull me down.  That it isn’t me.  Unfortunately I have known negativity longer than I have known positivity (at least towards myself) that it is almost like I am not myself when I try to be positive.

So there I am, attempting to cheer myself up while at the same time feeling like I am losing who I am.  It is difficult but I know I am strong and capable and anything I do IS me, whether or not I feel like it is.  I mean, who else can I be but myself?  Right?

Sometimes, though, I wonder if maybe there are several different Sara’s in here trying to vie for the spotlight.  Seven to be exact.  All battling it out in my head, confusing me further every day.

I want to do something that makes me happy but I don’t really understand that emotion.  Sometimes I think I am happy and then I realize I’m not.  I know that I ENJOY gardening, being outside, outdoor activities, being around friends, doing housework (when it is my own house/apartment), reading, painting, dancing and various other sport like activities…yet no matter how much I hang out with my friends, or read, or paint, or spend time outside there is always something that nags at me.  I don’t even know what it is.

Today was a beautiful day and I drove with my windows down, listening to my music and still something told me that there was something to worry about – or something.  I can’t quite place it, it’s just weird.  It is almost as though something doesn’t want me to relax, doesn’t want me to accept things for what they are.  I feel on edge and antsy and anxious.  I hate it.

I dunno…and maybe I never will.  There is just so much running through my head that I feel like a runaway train – except there is a destination, I just won’t know until I get there.

Family, Food, and Friends

As this Labor day weekend comes to a close I keep feeling like everything is surreal.  After my first week at my new job I have a three day weekend – going from one day weekends to a three day weekends sure can throw a person off.  I keep feeling like I am going to wake up tomorrow morning and realize that the new job was all a dream.  Unfortunately this feeling of living a surreal life happens more often than not and I always wonder if I am real…if my life is real…if this is all really happening.  However I am not feeling very introspective today so I am just going to ignore the feeling and remind myself that no matter what, right now it is real so I will just enjoy it.  If I happen to wake up days from now in an alternate reality maybe I will re-evaluate the whole surreal thing…IF.

I’m not sure what other people do for Labor Day, probably go on vacation and have fun with friends or family, but this weekend I stayed inside most of the time.  Obviously I got my tattoo Friday night, then I went to my bar Saturday night to show off the beautiful artwork and I was reminded once again how much like Cheers my bar has become to me.  I don’t even have to worry if anybody will be there because guess what…I know someone there no matter what!  And everybody DOES know my name.  It.  Is.  Awesome.  And so are the people.  Maybe it isn’t always a bundle of excitement but it’s MY bar and I love it.

Yesterday I literally spent the entire day inside working on either my cross-stitch (because I am ridiculously cool and do silly crafty stuff like that) or my friends birthday gift while watching movies.  Lots of movies.  We started with Stardust and, if you haven’t seen this, you should.  It will give you a new respect for Robert DeNero.  Battleship was second since I hadn’t seen it yet, which seriously made me want to play the game because it was one of my favorites as a kid; I mean, who doesn’t like fake blowing stuff up??  Nobody I know.  Actually blowing stuff up is way more fun but generally frowned upon.  Then we moved on to Transformers 3- who wants to guess why?!?  And then, the brilliant idea of Lord of the Rings…the extended editions.  I have only sat through all the LOTR movies one time, and it was on TV.  But my sister likes the movies a smidge more than I do and has all the lovely four hour versions of the movies.  I still couldn’t tell you anything that happens in the movies, but I CAN tell you that Gimli is my favorite.  I want him to be real.

I can’t believe I will actually be admitting all this to people because reading it makes me realize just how boring of a person I am.  It also makes me realize that once I have saved up more money and have my own place there will be few of these days.  Hopefully most will contain an abundance of friends and activities that leave me exhausted and ready to go back to work for the rest it will provide me.

Anyway – today, being the actual Day of Labor (or lack there of) we came to our parents house to enjoy a feast of home made pulled pork, chicken, brats, and rolls.  Add some friends, and a little Shiner (because we are from Texas, people) and you have yourself an afternoon.

Pulling the pork is the best part of making the food. Some of the pork accidentally falls into my mouth before it makes it to the bowl. It’s such a difficult job…

I know it probably seems like American’s use “holiday’s” as an excuse to eat lots of food, but it’s just what we do.  Food brings us together.  Food is fun to make.  Food makes us happy.  Plus there are always left-overs and who doesn’t love that??

Once we finished lunch and were in a food coma Shrek was put on (another movie, yay!).  Now, I haven’t seen Shrek in years and I was blown away at how old the technology looked.  I used to love that movie!  It looked so cool!  Sadly it no longer looks cool, just old.  I can’t believe I am this old…my aging needs to stop, two years ago.  Especially since I realized earlier today that, as I put it, “I have had Nutz for over ten years!”  Imagine being next to me in the car when those words came out of my mouth…you might be confused, huh?  Nutz is my stuffed animal.  My dog, to be exact.  I took him to college with me and when my guy friends would mess with him I would say, “Stop touching my Nutz!”  I honestly never did it on purpose, I’m just possessive and always called him “My Nutz.”  It became awesome and now I am glad I was so innocent as a child and didn’t realize how fun it would be in my old age.

I hope everyone’s weekend was exactly what they wanted.  I can’t believe it is already September but I am excited to see what this month will bring!

Life is so confusing

Today was day three of my new job.  My DREAM job.  I should be all sunshine and rainbows, shouldn’t I?  But I can’t seem to get to that point yet.  I let things get in my way.  I let HIM get in my mind and stay there and fester.  It’s like I can’t make one single move without him popping up and reminding me that I have a memory stored away that relates back to him in some way, shape, or form.  It is quite tiring to constantly be running away from your memories.  They always catch me.

I feel like I should be further along in my “getting over him” process, but for some reason I feel stuck.  Like I’m on a treadmill running as fast as I can and he is just standing there behind me, laughing at my attempts.  It’s like he has me tethered to him and even though he doesn’t want me anymore, doesn’t care about me anymore, he wants to make sure I can’t move on.  Wants to keep me unhappy, confused, unsure.  And then I remember that he has no control over me.  In fact I am the one doing the tethering.  I am too scared to move forward just in case he decides to come back; decides he still wants me.

So what is it exactly that is keeping me here?  Why do I let myself feel so bad about myself?  Why do I let him get me down?  He did all those things, not me.  I am not the one to blame and yet it’s all I do.  I tell myself I am a bad person, that I don’t deserve – I believe he does, but I don’t ever tell myself that I do.  I constantly put myself down.  When I catch myself doing this I attempt to reverse it, I remind myself that I am a good person, that I am worthwhile, and that everybody makes mistakes so even if I had done something worth this much torture there was no way I deserved it.  I don’t think anybody deserves it so why wasn’t I including myself in that?

And then my best friend reminds me of just how freaking annoying she is by sending me this:

I swear, she pisses me off with how right she is.

Because she IS right.  I DO deserve better.  But the issue I have trouble coming to terms with is this:  Why doesn’t he deserve to have me?  The whole time we were together people told me that he was lucky.  That I deserved better.  But…didn’t he deserve to have someone who would put up with all his shit?  Didn’t he deserve someone who would overlook his anger and all his money issues?  Didn’t he deserve that?  And doesn’t he still?  I loved him for who he was – bad decisions and all.  Because when I was with him it was like the world fell out from under us.  It was like nothing else mattered, that if it was just him and me then nothing else mattered.  And I’m just supposed to give that up and move on from it?  I’m supposed to believe that there may be something better out there?  Well I’m sorry, but I don’t.

Before I was with him I didn’t want to get married or have kids.  When I was with him that was all I wanted…and now, again I am not sure if I want those things.  With the opportunities that seem to be coming my way I am beginning to think that maybe I should just be alone forever, maybe love isn’t my thing.  Maybe I’m too fragile for it.  I fall too hard.  I feel too intensely.  It hurts too much.  And quite frankly I’m tired of being hurt.  I know I do it to myself, but I don’t know if I could handle it again.

And then Mrs. Annoying sends me this…

Do I have to?

Give up??? Me?!?  Ha!!  I never give up!  I’m too stubborn!  And then I realize…haven’t I already given up on my future?  Haven’t I already told myself that if I can’t have him I don’t want anybody else?  Haven’t I said that I can’t imagine ever finding another man attractive?  (which, so far, has been true)

Basically I am saying I don’t want to give up on him, but I will give up on myself.  Why is it so much easier for me to root for other people’s happiness and just throw mine away?  SO CONFUSING!

It seems like I will say one thing one minute and completely contradict myself the next – completely on accident!!  And I don’t realize it until someone points it out for me or I am thinking on it too much and my fallacy becomes apparent.

Basically I am a contradiction.  Up and down and all the way across.  I can’t make up my mind, I have no idea what I want (really), and there seems to be a new opportunity arise every week that could lead my life in a different direction.  Maybe if modeling works out for me I should just leave Texas behind and move somewhere else.  Somewhere where every store, restaurant, and road doesn’t remind me of him.  Somewhere I can meet new people and start over.  I love my friends, but if they are really my friends they will remain such.  Right?

As always, I have hope that it will all work out and faith that I will make it.  I believe that there is something great in store for me, I’m just not sure what it is quite yet.  So, I will continue to do what I’m doing, go forward, and try not to look back so much.

Update:  I was sent another gem by the annoying one  ::sigh::  I love that girl.

Don’t you just hate it when people you love try and help you?
It’s almost as bad as admitting you’re wrong…

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