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Love Songs, Coffee, and Hood Rock. My Best Friend is Better Than Yours.

Seriously...how does she still love me?  She's a keeper!!

 

Thursday was an interesting day for me because it started out über depressing and then I hit a wall and went full on crazy, which is to say I was completely myself, and decided to text my soulmate every little thing that popped into my head.  I thought I should share with the world the shit this poor girl puts up with and still somehow stays my friend.

Me: I’m in such a bad mood today.  I thought it was Friday on Tuesday so this week sucks.  I am buying three bottles of wine tomorrow and killing them this weekend.

N: O.o

Me: I’m in serious I-miss-HIM mode and love songs keep playing.

N:  Grrr…NOOOO

Me:  I KNOW!!! But I can’t help it.  He is the only person I’ve loved.

Me:  Oh thanks Cheap Trick. You are so funny.  I Want You To Want Me just came on. Fuck you radio.

N: Calm down.

Me: I am calm.  I’m just sad.

(new song comes on)

Me: The Roots be all, “fuck yo bad mood! We gon’ make you smile, boo.” Thanks Roots, I love ya’ll too.

Me: We’ve got you surrounded!

N: Lmfao you crack me up

Me: 😀 I’m so ADD when I’m moody.  My negativity keeps multiplying itself into positivity. I can’t even keep up. I keep getting in line for the same roller coaster but I swear to god it’s a different ride each time.

N: Bahahahahahahaha

N: We should seriously work together Bahahahahaha

Me: I KNOW!!! It would be so bad it would be good!

Me: Mmmm bubbles!

Me: If you were a train I’d ride you. Choo choo!

Me: If the walls were padded I’d be bouncing off of them. But who am I kidding? I don’t need pads!!! FREEEEEDDDOOOOOMMM!!!! I need a drink.

Me: Or Xanax. Oh! Both.

N: Jesus Sara, no more coffee for you

Me: Oooh coffee! There’s more in the breakroom! Good idea! Wait…what? Pickles!

N: I has cuppy cakes 🙂

Me: I has…not 😦

Me: Cupcake! cupcake! cupcake! Bandito! Hwhhhhaaaattt???

Me: Back to the lab again, yo!

Me: My freewriting would be epic!

Me: I think if elephants had wings they would be like chickens.

N: You are so off of it today.

Me: Whatever. I am so on. Like a flickering lightbulb!

Me: If I was in a math problem I would be an imaginary number. You just have to accept that I exist. If you don’t try and figure out why I am then I make sense!

N: What is the District of Columbia. I understand it’s our capital, but why is it District of Columbia?

Me: Gooood question. Google that shit.

Me: I think it’s its own entity.

N: I figured you would know.

Me: Never took the time to look it up…

Me: If I was a rock and someone said “rock and roll!” I’d be like, “bitch I ain’t gots too.  I just am. AND I can roll. What now?” I would also be gangsta. Hood.  Hood Rock. Oooo! Like Hard Rock but different.

Me: I’d “rock” a bandana. Hahahaha Omg. That needs to be an adult cartoon.

Me: It could be like Schoolhouse Rock but in a really inappropriate way.

Me: We could teach “How to Perform Proper Fellatio” and “What to do When a Cop Be Trippin.”

Me: The cops would be paper. Hahaha

Me: And the rocks would carry around scissors

Me: When Rocks go rogue. The epic showdown battle begins! “Wanna dance?!?!”

M: You poor thing. I don’t know how you put up with me.

N: Lmfao I just picked up my phone and I had 11 text messages from you.

Me: 🙂 Sowwy

N: Lol it’s ok. I laughed 😛 you’re hilarious

Me: I’m now considering writing a pilot episode and giving it to the owner of the studio I work for to see what he thinks lol

N: lmfao

Me: The opening credit song could be “Rollin’ Dirty” instead of ridin’

Me: I’ll have to change my name to Shaquisha so people won’t know a white girl wrote it.

N: lmao

Me: -Dafuq’s a white girl doin in da hood?-I be straight pimpin!
-Bitch, no you ain’t! Go back to da mall.
-A’ight.

Me: You have been subjected to the inner workings of my mind all day. You deserve a medal.

N: I freaking love you

Me: 🙂 I LOVE YOU TOO!!!

Notice how most of the time she didn’t really respond, mostly just accepted it and went on with her day?  She is amazing.  Like, she should be canonized for reals.  Also, she should probably stop saying I’m funny, because I am going to start believing her.  I asked Mr. Perfect and he shrugged and said, “you’re amusing.”  Amusing is not funny.  Amusing is similar to going to the zoo to watch the monkeys.  Maybe I’m like a zoo monkey.

After all that madness the ADD continued and when I got home I almost jumped the curb and parked on the front lawn instead of in the street because I was distracted by some squirrels who were having way too much fun without me.

Sometimes I’m not quite sure how I have made this far in life.

I will leave you with my latest in brilliant realizations:

Life Lesson from Sara #25:
Sometimes getting the soap out of the dispenser is like giving a hand job. You just have to keep pumping until it comes out.
Just. Keep. Pumping.

Deuces ,ya’ll!

I shouldn’t be allowed in public. Or to think. Especially not both at the same time.

You know those conversations you have with people that get you?  The ones that are so good you don’t want to end it but you get to a point where you know it will only go down hill from there and you have to cut it off at the high point.  It just…it gets so good!  You know?  It…oh…  Oh God!  Yes.  This is amazing!!!  Oooooh!  CONVOGASM!!!  So you end it quickly cause nothing much happens after climax and it’s best not to make it awkward.

Well, I had one of these conversations last night with Mr. Perfect who, I now realize is just as dysfunctional as I am so it’s time to give him a new name:  Mr. Perfectly Dysfunctional.  Or maybe just Mr. Dysfunctional.  Yeah.  That works.  This is why we are friends.  Somehow he gets me and even when I’m annoying he puts up with me.  Yesterday he was being negative, which I hate (and don’t worry, no need to point out my hypocrisy because I am all too well aware!  I’M WORKING ON IT!) so I informed him of his impending doom:  “I’m going to stuff you full of glitter and rays of positivity until you explode like a fucking pinata being attacked by a five year old.”

He laughed.  And called me a jerk.  Much like me, he doesn’t want people to cheer him up.  We like to fester.  Especially me because my anger rarely lasts long and I can’t hold a grudge to save my life.  It’s not fair.  I would like to be mad every once in awhile.  But, no, people always make it go away.  Fleeting, that’s what my anger is.

*coughcough* Anyway, after informing him of his doom this thought popped into my head, which I, of course, shared with him since it would be rude to keep my genius to myself:

If I was a unicorn I would shit glitter.  And then throw it at people I don’t like.  It would be like monkeys throwing their poo except better because people would enjoy it.  And I would laugh.  Play with that shit motherfucker!  You have no idea where it came from…

Obviously I’m a disturbed unicorn.

The great thing about all of this is that he didn’t just laugh at me, he went with it.  Nobody can do that like my soulmate but he is a close second (for now).  Eventually the conversation devolved into this:

Mr. D: Make me a sandwich

Me:  On it.  Delivery time is…bout an hour and a half.

Mr. D:  Fail.  Make a teleporter first so I don’t have to wait

Me:  I’ve been working on teleportation for years.  The closest I’ve gotten is a cape.  That’s how far behind I am.

Mr. D:  Cape is definitely a start.

Me: I’m going to teleport myself to dreamland now.  Where unicorns shit glitter and people explode like pinatas.  And just for shits and giggles there will be a giant squid.  Reading eight different books.  At the same time.  I really hope I dream this…

I had already stayed up later than I intended because, after the catastrophic game that was supposed to be football, I stayed up to read…Let my mind simmer down….Be one with my bed.  Unfortunately when I finally did lay down to sleep I was awake.  That kind of awake where so many thoughts are bouncing around in your head you are afraid they will start spilling out of your orifices.  Suddenly I was thinking about unicorns again and before I knew what I was doing I told myself, “unicorns shit glitter and piss green tea.  Why green tea?  Because it’s THE SHIT!!”  Immediately I broke into a paroxysm of laughter that literally left me in tears.  Because, yeah, just said that.  What a fantastic use of a pseudo adjective that is a poor excuse for a word in the first place.  My shit patois is getting out of hand.  As is my fuck patois.  I promise I have a good vocabulary.  I DO! Don’t look at me like that!  I just…don’t use it in my vernacular.

Needless to say, I did NOT dream about unicorns, exploding people, or a giant squid…although there was a large swing in the living room.  And an aquarium.  Don’t really remember much else except that I got next to no sleep, woke up almost every hour, and must have awoken from some kind of bad dream at four because I was wide awake, panting, and covered in sweat.  So, naturally, I surfed Facebook.  Honestly, I have a problem.

I believe my lack of sleep might have lead to my being completely A.D.D. at work today and therefore having a normal conversation with my soulmate.  Normal for us, I mean.  This conversation I will relate to you later because 1) it is too long to add to this already lengthy post and 2) we shouldn’t be kept a secret.  Together we will take over the world.  And make it a better place.  But this conversation left me in stitches.  I was huddled over and shaking; from behind it might have looked like I was crying, which, technically I was, but only because I was laughing so hard.  Of course the lack of sleep probably also added to my inability to stay serious.  My mind kept wandering to the previous night’s conversation, the thoughts I had before falling asleep, and various other amusing memories.  One in particular that almost left me unable to stay silent was thinking about dislocating a hand and various other body parts – a conversation I had this weekend.  For some reason I still find this incredibly hilarious.  Add together running off no sleep, lack of concentration, insufficient amounts of caffeine, and no food and you get a Sara that can’t hold her head up and is crying/snort laughing at her desk that is less than private.  The only good part about all this was that the lady who works at the desk next to me had already left and if others heard me they were nice enough not to say anything.  Let’s just add that to the list of reasons my co-workers should think I’m crazy, shall we?

May unicorns shit on your day and piss in your cup.  It’s a positive thing.

-S

Barbie’s, Beer, and Best Friends

This morning I woke up to my alarm clock interrupting a dream about work.  I must admit, if I am going to be woken up it might as well be one that takes me away from work…because work should stay at work and remain completely absent from my dream land. Nightmares are one thing, I can handle that, but work??  That’s just not right.  Very similar to keeping coffee away from me in the morning.  If I walk into work and someone says, “good morning” to me and I’m not on my second cup that good better be rescinded very quickly.  Fortunately for them very few people actually say anything to me in the morning and it is usually just, “morning.”  Smart people.

On my way to work, I decided to take a new route and zipped my way through Addison Circle (YIELD signs are simply precautionary.  They’ll slow down once they see you!) passing a convenience store with a sign outside that said “BEER AND WINE TO GO.”  My first question is why did they feel the need to put the sign on the sidewalk literally two feet from the neon sign that proclaimed the exact same thing in much larger letters and in a much more obnoxiously glaring way.  Second, I know we have all seen those signs but why do they need the TO GO part?  We all know we can’t consume the product on the premises (they have signs saying it’s illegal or something. Jerks.) so of course it is TO GO.  Or do they mean you can drive up?  Because you can’t.  I’ve tried.  Nobody comes out to your car to serve you.  False advertising in my opinion!  Okay, maybe I was only stopped to let someone out and wait for them to purchase what they needed – so not the point!

Unfortunately I arrived at work much faster than I wanted so I took some extra me time in my car and decided to look at my eHarmony matches.  (If you would like to know more about my foray into eHarmony you can read it from beginning to end – my romances are short lived.)  I said I wouldn’t go looking for anybody anymore but since I have already paid for six months of the damn thing I figure I might as well.  The beauty of online dating is that you don’t have to meet them.  If you get to that point and you just don’t feel up to it is quite simple to say no.  If they ask for your number it is much simpler to type “no” than it is to say it to someone’s face.  Not that I have never done it, but I always feel bad afterward. So, last night I decided to get back into it after my one failed attempt – it being a new year and all – and responded to people that had been bugging me that I never had the heart to look at because I was still…hoping…I guess.  But now it is time to face facts and see if anybody else can strike my fancy as much.  Very highly unlikely though cause Mr. Perfect has best friend potential ya’ll.  We are way too alike.  It’s actually kind of nice.  Back to my point…on eHarmony the first step is sending your match five questions (answer choices provided) and hope that they will answer back.  I had never gotten this question before so when I read it I was slightly confuzzled.  It had to do with soulmates and whether or not I believed in them (let’s just set aside the fact that I’m a Ginger and do not in fact have a soul).  The answers ranged from, basically, “Yes, there is one person for everyone!” to “no, I don’t believe in that sissy shit.”  I wanted to answer honestly but thought they might take it the wrong way.

If you have followed my blog even slightly you will probably already know that I HAVE a soulmate. (Examples of how much I love her can be found with Vampire Worms and when amazing things happen) My best friend is my soulmate.  End of story.  Without her I wouldn’t be whole.  She completes me.  So, yes, I believe in soulmates.  But I don’t think that your soulmate has to be the person you marry.  Nobody will ever replace her.  I talk to her practically every day (there was this span of four days when we didn’t talk at all and I thought she was avoiding me and she thought I was avoiding her and…it sucked) and when I don’t talk to her I can feel her.  I literally feel her.  When she is sad, I’m sad.  When something is wrong, I get anxious.  And the same happens to her.  This happens maybe 50% of the time because the other 50% of the time we are in the same mood.

I don’t know, maybe a person can have more than one soulmate, but for now she is it.  So how did I answer that question?  Correctly.  I said everyone has a soulmate.  I just didn’t inform them that I already found mine.  Honestly people, how can she not be my soulmate?  Who else would be able to carry on this conversation with me?:

Me:  I wonder if Barbie ever gets upset that she can’t give Ken a blow job.

N: I’d be a little more upset that I didn’t have a vagina.

Me: How the hell did Kelly get in the picture?  It’s just impossible.  She must be asexual.

N: Why do you say that?  Barbie doesn’t have a vagina either.

Me: That’s what I’m saying, no way Kelly could be born.  There was no way to make her.

N: Oh, test tube maybe?  or maybe Barbie’s are pod people.

Me: Probably pod people.  They do always smile, and I’ve never once seen them blink.  Creepers.

N: It’s like the Stepford community.  They are probably plotting world domination.  That’s why they make them so pretty, so little girls will want them so they can be in almost EVERY HOUSEHOLD. And they are just lying in wait for the signal to come to life and kill us all in our sleep.

Me: OMG!  You are right!  We should probably warn people.  Or just make it our mission in life to destroy them before they have the chance to fulfill their destiny.

N: They have been making them for years.  They have people helping them.  Maybe the government is plotting with them.  Or the government is pod people too…

N: And they are using the Barbie’s to spy on people.  That’s how they ALWAYS KNOW. OMFG!

Me:  Dude I was going to say the government was behind it too!  They ARE pod people!  Big Brother in the form of Barbie.  Nobody would suspect it.

Me:  The government started it but Barbie got too smart and took them over.  The government THINKS they are in control but really Barbie took over a loooooong time.  They’re all pod people now, they just don’t know it.

N (actually her boyfriend): By pod you mean plastic, molded, easy to melt, can’t do anything.  OH…and fun to shoot.

N: Thank you [boyfriend].

N: He doesn’t understand…He will be easily taken down by Barbie and her clones.

Me:  Yes.  He will.  You just wait [boyfriend]!

Me:  They only LOOK plastic.  Obviously they are made of something different, indestructible.

N: Well duh, it only makes sense.  They wait until you throw them away and regenerate themselves and crawl back into your house.  That’s how you always end up finding them again…

Me:  Exactly.  They can change property like in Terminator II.

N:  OMG that Disney movie that makes so much sense now!!!

Me: Lol, which one?  Toy Story or Small Soldiers?

N: Small Soldiers!!!

N:  Omg what if G.I. Joe’s are behind it too?!?!?! They are made by the same company!!!

Me:  AND THEY HAVE WEAPONS!!!!

Me:  We’re screwed.

N:  I think [boyfriend] is a pod person…

N:  OMG THAT MEANS I’M PREGNANT WITH A POD BABY!!!

N:  THAT’S WHY MY PREGNANCY HAS BEEN SO HARD!! SHE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!

Me:  Barbie is in charge (cause women are smarter) but G.I. Joe is helping with tactics.  Barbie had to make sure they had eyes in every house so they recruited Joe’s.

Me:  She is confused.  She is only half pod.  Half of her wants to and half of her doesn’t.  She is like seriously bi-polar.  BUT I TOLD YOU SHE WAS A NINJA!

N:  Omg she is a hybrid!!! She could be our savior!!

Me:  Yes!!! WE NEED HER FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND!!  I’m godmamma to the savior of the world!

N:  Woohoo!!! Her big bulbous baby head is going to [cause me much pain coming out] for the greater good of mankind!!!

Me:  I’m glad we figured this all out now.  New we can make sure we raise her with the proper morals and training.

N:  Ninja training…

Me: She must be homeschooled.  Otherwise the pod people will sense her and recruit her.

N:  Omg I wonder who all they have under their thumbs.

Me:  Oprah.  For sure.

N: Obama.

Me:  Schwarzenegger.

N: The Queen of England for sure, possibly the whole royal family…

Me:  Definitely.  But Diana was on to them so they got rid of her.  Poor Diana.

Me:  Tom Cruise.

N:  Kristen Stewart.

Me:  Bill Gates.

N:  Taylor Swift, I hate to say it but she fits the bill.

Me:  Papa John.

N:  All those evil people from high school that were eerily perfect.

Me:  Fuckers.  Should have known.

N:  That’s how they make the “popular” group…They brainwash them.

Me:  OMG! Mean Girls…The Plastics!

Me:  The movie industry is trying to give us subtle hints.  Someone in Hollywood is in their ranks but looking out for us.  They just can’t come right out and say it.

N:  Omg it makes so much sense now!!!

Me:  Not I HAVE to make movies.  How else will we get the message out?

N:  We wouldn’t!!! Subliminal messaging!!!

Oddly enough this conversation occurred the night before our savior was born.  Coincidence?  I THINK NOT!!

When all else seems hopeless, when I feel worthless, or when life looks better from the top of a building all I have to do is remember her and remember that in all this chaos and hate and shit that makes up the world I have my soulmate.  And everything is easier to take.

Here is hoping you find your soulmate!  And that yours is as amazing as mine is.  Together we could rule the world.  And one day we just might with the help of our Ninja Savior!

-S

Candles in a Dark Room

This morning I woke up to a beautiful text from my best friend.  Most mornings start off dark and I have to push through to find this light.  I kind of look it like waking up in pitch black and stumbling around until you find a source of light, a candle, and think of a way to light it.   But this morning when I woke up in my Dark Room there was already a candle lit for me:

“I just wanted to tell you that I love you, and you are one of the most important people in my life.  You can never be replaced or forgotten.  You are one of a kind and my one and only soulmate.”

It was 7:30 and my first thought was, “who the hell is texting me this early?!”  As soon as I saw who it was from I softened, this girl could call me at three in the morning and I wouldn’t mind, she is irreplacable and keeps me going on my worst days.  A smile immediately stole across my face and I thought to myself, “this is going to be a good day.”  How could it not?  I woke up to the knowledge that there is a person out there who loves me, and is there anything else to be more grateful for than that?

When I finally got out of bed I was slightly discombobulated – I had had crazy dreams.  Beyond crazy.  Those kinds of dreams that you wake from wondering if they were real, or if the person you dreamed of is going to mean something to you.  Will I meet this person?  Is he real?  Why do I keep seeing my love in my dreams – keep seeing him just beyond reach.  What did this all mean?  Does it even mean anything?  Sometimes I like dreams that leave you wondering, but this morning I didn’t want it.  I have been trying to move on, stop thinking about him, but my dreams refuse to let me; my thoughts always find a way to remember him.

Instead of focusing on him and my dream I focused on the text.  On the day.  Trying to make a conscious decision to make today a good day.  What other candles could I light?

  • It is August in Texas and it is 70 degrees outside and raining.  Now, rain can make me go either way – sometimes it is incredibly difficult to be happy on rainy days because depression can creep in and make that rain cloud move over your head as well.  Eeyorish days can be difficult to escape from.  But sometimes rain is my favorite. I do some of my best writing when I am just sitting and listening to the rain pound on the roof, and drip though the trees.  So I choose to make the rain another candle, not snuff out my already lit one.
  • Over three weeks ago I went to an open call for a charity runway show and they said we would hear from them within a week.  I didn’t get an email or a phone call so I assumed I hadn’t gotten a spot.  It would have been a great opportunity and I was really hoping I wohad impressed someone enough to be chosen.  There was no pay but it was for a great charity and I would get pictures and a video from it plus it is an international show so I would get exposure.  And then last night at 11 I got an email from someone giving me the rehearsal schedule for the event and apologizing for getting back to me so late.  I had completely forgotten about the show, after I hadn’t heard anything I just believed that some other opportunity would come along later.  Recently I have been really trying to change my thoughts and maybe this had something to do with it, I don’t know, but I am going to believe that the good vibes I have been putting out there are returning to me.  Maybe things are really going to start happening for me.
  • I will be going skydiving next month.  I have wanted to sky dive for a really long time and I just happened to bring it up to a friend who is also trying to live her life for herself instead of other people and it just so happened that she and her friends already had an outing planned.  So I joined in.  And last night, when I saw the schedule for the rehearsals my heart dropped; there was going to be a rehearsal on the Sunday of the dive and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do both…I would have to choose the runway show or skydiving.  Then this morning I have an email from the group saying that the date has been changed from a Sunday to a Saturday.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  But…I don’t believe in coincidence.
  • This is my last week at this job.  There is really nothing better than knowing you are going from a job you dread waking up in the morning for to a job that is quite possibly your dream job.
  • Because of the new job I will be starting I will be able to move back into my own place.
  • I put down my deposit to get my dragon tattoo finished last night and scheduled my appointment for August 31st.  I think it will be a great way to end one hell of an August.
  • I start school again on Monday.  I have been out of school for awhile because I couldn’t decide on a major and didn’t have the money to pay for it.  But I have finally chosen (English and Computer Science) and I will finally get that degree I have so longed for.

Even as I write this negative thoughts are trying to blow out my candles.  But I will try to turn every negative into a positive.  Every “no” into a “yes”.  Every “I can’t” into an “I can.”  Every “you’re not good enough” into an, “hell yes I am!”

Perception is reality, right?  I have changed my perception and my reality.  Or at least I am trying to.

To add another candle to my Dark Room I will end this post with my favorite quote:

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” ~ Shakespeare

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