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The Relief of Pain

Yesterday was a Friday and good on all accounts.  With my new job I no longer have to work on Saturdays AND is is Labor Day weekend so not only do I get a two day weekend, I get to tack on a third day for good humor.  On top of that, yesterday was the day I got my dragon tattoo colored in – I got the outline in March of 2011 so this has been a long time coming and it is my birthday gift to me!

My initial outline – March 2011
Milo is naked and unhappy about it.

Getting the outline was not fun.  Everyone asks if it hurt…well duh!  It hurt so bad towards the end I cried.  Not hiccupping-dear-sweet-god-kill-me sobs or anything.  But my eyes were definitely leaking – kind of like dear-sweet-god-that-food-was-spicy leaking.  So when people asked me if the color would hurt I just said,  “no, it only tickles a little.”

Milo is colored and much happier now!
(Also an Ed Hardy design. In case you think he looks familiar, it’s because he does!)

Three hours of work and now Milo has color.  There is still about an hours worth of work left but it got to the point where I was trying to flinch, and that’s just no bueno. When that little needle is pressing on your ribs and drumming out a rapid beat over, and over, and over it does not feel pleasant.  Especially since he was doing the same area over and over again with different colors.  I had my fill and my body was protesting.  But even though he isn’t finished he still look way better than the plain ole black outline. (by the way my artist was Sneker One – if you live in Dallas you should check him out.  He didn’t do the outline but my ex informed me that I couldn’t go back to my original artist so…I had to improvise.)

While this was all going on I decided instead of telling myself that it would hurt I just told myself pain was temporary, and it worked for the most part.  When he hit on my hip bone or my ribs it was a little more difficult to let the pain go but instead of grimacing I just smiled and laughed – when I DID grimace I noticed that it actually made the pain worse.  It is amazing the power your mind has over your body.  I also took the time to practice my meditation and breathing, and let me tell you, it does wonders!  Except when you can’t breath in because your body is so tense from the needles poking your ribs – nothing took the pain away then.

Breakdown of this week:

  1. Started my new job and actually woke up not dreading going to work.
  2. Started to get over HIM a little more.  May even be able to start moving on…not on to a new guy but on with my life.
  3. Possibly found a roommate and apartment.
  4. Realized that I haven’t been this happy in quite awhile – I had forgotten what it felt like.
  5. Finally got some color on Milo

All in all I would say it was a great week!  And it will be a great weekend!

Candles in a Dark Room

This morning I woke up to a beautiful text from my best friend.  Most mornings start off dark and I have to push through to find this light.  I kind of look it like waking up in pitch black and stumbling around until you find a source of light, a candle, and think of a way to light it.   But this morning when I woke up in my Dark Room there was already a candle lit for me:

“I just wanted to tell you that I love you, and you are one of the most important people in my life.  You can never be replaced or forgotten.  You are one of a kind and my one and only soulmate.”

It was 7:30 and my first thought was, “who the hell is texting me this early?!”  As soon as I saw who it was from I softened, this girl could call me at three in the morning and I wouldn’t mind, she is irreplacable and keeps me going on my worst days.  A smile immediately stole across my face and I thought to myself, “this is going to be a good day.”  How could it not?  I woke up to the knowledge that there is a person out there who loves me, and is there anything else to be more grateful for than that?

When I finally got out of bed I was slightly discombobulated – I had had crazy dreams.  Beyond crazy.  Those kinds of dreams that you wake from wondering if they were real, or if the person you dreamed of is going to mean something to you.  Will I meet this person?  Is he real?  Why do I keep seeing my love in my dreams – keep seeing him just beyond reach.  What did this all mean?  Does it even mean anything?  Sometimes I like dreams that leave you wondering, but this morning I didn’t want it.  I have been trying to move on, stop thinking about him, but my dreams refuse to let me; my thoughts always find a way to remember him.

Instead of focusing on him and my dream I focused on the text.  On the day.  Trying to make a conscious decision to make today a good day.  What other candles could I light?

  • It is August in Texas and it is 70 degrees outside and raining.  Now, rain can make me go either way – sometimes it is incredibly difficult to be happy on rainy days because depression can creep in and make that rain cloud move over your head as well.  Eeyorish days can be difficult to escape from.  But sometimes rain is my favorite. I do some of my best writing when I am just sitting and listening to the rain pound on the roof, and drip though the trees.  So I choose to make the rain another candle, not snuff out my already lit one.
  • Over three weeks ago I went to an open call for a charity runway show and they said we would hear from them within a week.  I didn’t get an email or a phone call so I assumed I hadn’t gotten a spot.  It would have been a great opportunity and I was really hoping I wohad impressed someone enough to be chosen.  There was no pay but it was for a great charity and I would get pictures and a video from it plus it is an international show so I would get exposure.  And then last night at 11 I got an email from someone giving me the rehearsal schedule for the event and apologizing for getting back to me so late.  I had completely forgotten about the show, after I hadn’t heard anything I just believed that some other opportunity would come along later.  Recently I have been really trying to change my thoughts and maybe this had something to do with it, I don’t know, but I am going to believe that the good vibes I have been putting out there are returning to me.  Maybe things are really going to start happening for me.
  • I will be going skydiving next month.  I have wanted to sky dive for a really long time and I just happened to bring it up to a friend who is also trying to live her life for herself instead of other people and it just so happened that she and her friends already had an outing planned.  So I joined in.  And last night, when I saw the schedule for the rehearsals my heart dropped; there was going to be a rehearsal on the Sunday of the dive and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do both…I would have to choose the runway show or skydiving.  Then this morning I have an email from the group saying that the date has been changed from a Sunday to a Saturday.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  But…I don’t believe in coincidence.
  • This is my last week at this job.  There is really nothing better than knowing you are going from a job you dread waking up in the morning for to a job that is quite possibly your dream job.
  • Because of the new job I will be starting I will be able to move back into my own place.
  • I put down my deposit to get my dragon tattoo finished last night and scheduled my appointment for August 31st.  I think it will be a great way to end one hell of an August.
  • I start school again on Monday.  I have been out of school for awhile because I couldn’t decide on a major and didn’t have the money to pay for it.  But I have finally chosen (English and Computer Science) and I will finally get that degree I have so longed for.

Even as I write this negative thoughts are trying to blow out my candles.  But I will try to turn every negative into a positive.  Every “no” into a “yes”.  Every “I can’t” into an “I can.”  Every “you’re not good enough” into an, “hell yes I am!”

Perception is reality, right?  I have changed my perception and my reality.  Or at least I am trying to.

To add another candle to my Dark Room I will end this post with my favorite quote:

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” ~ Shakespeare

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